Growing some Obedience...

A few days ago I spoke with my best friend of 10 years, Heather, on the phone. We get to talk about once a week if we are lucky, but I think about her everyday and share spirit jokes with her that I know she would laugh at if she were with me here in Nashville. We talk about a lot of things during our weekly conversations from what we've done for the week to what is going on in this life and the desires we have in it. One of the things that we shared this particular evening was our desire to truly be a trust worthy follower of Christ; reckless obedience.

This is something we have always shared, but we have realized the complexities of this commitment as we have gotten older. Responsibilities as an adult complicate this desire quite a bit. Adulthood always seem to enjoy putting a new twist in obedience to the Lord. One of the things that I am currently exploring is what real tangible obedience looks like. I am convinced thanks to Oswald Chambers that obedience is the willingness to be on the journey and not one act or the next. The choice to be on the journey is enough for Him and that choice makes the other acts of obedience seem natural.

I wish I could tell the creepy crawly monsters waiting for me on each day of a new week this philosophy. Maybe they would decide to walk beside me rather than jump out in front of me if they knew this age old wisdom. My obedience to Christ looks more like my decisions in the moment and in the day than what I should do tomorrow or the next. What can I do to obey the Lord today or right now and not a day I have yet to see? So what did I do that day in obedience? I got up and participated in His community. Then I went to study with whom He provided to prepare myself for Friday's big test. I then chose to take a break that evening in obedience to Him so I don't put myself in an exhausted place to mistrust Him in this journey of today.

Obedience tells me a lot of things and so does the other side of me. They argue a lot and sometimes have blowouts that create weekends like the last. I think that Christ has given me several fair warnings throughout the years about the toughness of obedience and advice to stay in community. The conversations between obedience and the other side of myself sound a lot like this:
Obedience: Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Me: But I can't wait till to tomorrow to do this! I have to do it and worry about it today so that I don't have to do what I am doing now tomorrow!

Obedience: The ravens do not reap or sow, yet even they are fed by God.
Me: Not eating? I am not only thinking about whether I will eat or sleep. I am also thinking about possibly failing my test, having a clean home, and if I slipped up and said the wrong thing earlier without knowing it. How can you know about me when there are so many things to think of?

Obedience: Be still and know that I am God. You need only be still and He will fight for you.
Me: This should be in my hands. No one else should have to worry with this! Rest who has time for that?!

They go on and on. Sometimes they are not as simple as these thoughts, but even in this I must be obedient. Sometimes this is the hardest part. When I feel at peace about something in one minute and become tempted to feel otherwise minutes or days later, I must stand in obedience in this way as well. This for me is the most practiced and failed act of obedience in standing by the original feelings and thoughts God granted me. I so long to be a spirit of peace and stillness, but that just hasn't come yet. If I would just stop pushing back on the things that seem unnatural I believe I would find unturned truths in myself. I only push back because it hurts and it hurts because it needs to grow. So today I choose the journey out of obedience in hopes that all other things will make sense. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

P.S. Wish me good luck on my test on Friday.

It's going to be an adventure and I hope to accept the outcome just as excitedly as my best friend Hannah Valls accepted her Oscar:

*Photos courtesy of Betsy Dell at Oscar party 2009

Growing out of Fear....

In 2011, It seems to me that I grew by leaps and bounds. The marks of my growth were ever so obvious and I enjoyed getting to spot them when I stepped outside myself. I am sure that I am growing in the same way in 2012, but those marks seem to be much smaller and less noticeable. One small thing that has become more obvious to me is that I am learning to recognize the ebs and flows of my relationship and communication with the Lord. The following is a great example:

I had a great week this week. I realized I was ahead in all my classes which left me with little to do other than my up and coming project in the evenings after coming home from my internship. I had some inconvenient things happen to me that ended up getting good laughs and relayed as great stories. I got to wear rolled up jeans and go for a walk with old friends. I went to Lipscomb on Thursday and heard a wonderful chapel speaker followed by reading in the sun. I was able to go to a movie alone for $2 and then eat Chuy's off of some dollars I found in an old wallet.

On Friday evening, I headed over to Court's. We had a lot to go over and a lot to process for the next two weeks of school. We will be taking our comps in two weeks that will allow us to graduate and a major research project due on Tuesday; a method of social work that neither one of us ever hopes to have to do again. All this among the regular things we always have going on. As I drove, I praised the Lord out loud on that drive to Court's for such a great week and acknowledged that I knew this weekend would be a rough one. I knew in my heart of hearts he gave me this last week so I could fuel up for my heart to be harvested this weekend. It would be a weekend full of pressure and unrealistic fear in dealing with the weeks ahead. Guess what?! That's just what happened. Yesterday, He got out the biggest tiller he could find and my spirit totally collapsed.

I may have never mentioned this on here, but I have struggled with severe anxiety most of my short adult life. This is something that I have been working on in 2011-2012. I haven't had a panic attack in months until yesterday. Bless the Lord for bringing a blessed person like Courtney into my life and by my side to do all things difficult with grad school otherwise I think it could have been a lot worse had I been doing this project alone. It's a doozy, extremely delicate, and the project itself sent me over the ever lovin' edge yesterday. I hate having these reactions to life. They are embarrassing, vulnerable, exhausting, and dominating. I always have to reach out for help in the post-event as I recover in a fog with no energy to even smile. Reaching out for help of course always hits the pride.

Yet, the Lord surrounded me in that moment. Even now as I still sit in the wake of my emotions. Nathan made my favorite dinner and literally didn't leave my side. Meghan came over just to make me her grandmother's apple pie, Heather prayed over me, and my incredible parents sympathized with me on the phone and gave out free advice as I processed my fear of potential failure. I didn't sleep at all last night and have been sitting at my computer waiting for my professor to email us hopefully offering some clarity and help. I cried a little more this morning, but the thing I find true and comforting anyway is that God is still God. He's the same one that gave me all the beautiful moments this week and the one that held my hand through my own fears. Fears. The fears that covered up my ability to see his strength and valiance.

God filled me up this week so that I could be depleted and learn something this weekend. Only He knows that about me. That I can't see my learning curves while looking at the roses. I am still in the middle of that learning and the anxiety, but it won't be with me forever. This project will get turned in regardless on Tuesday and Thursday will bring a break. I will get to go to the Hill Tues and Wed. Ashley, Rick, and I are having dinner on Tuesday night. Life still moves even though sometimes my emotions make it all stop in my spirit. God is still God even when I am learning to put my fears in their proper place. I do long for a day when I can look back on my struggle with anxiety as only a memory, but until then I'll keep trying to stick my next out where it belongs and recognize the familiar feeling of growth. I will ask for grace from those that love me the hardest, and continue to trust in my Jesus as he has proven himself to me over and over as the Lord over fear. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute, hope to catch you on the next mile!