This year has been very unexpected and one that I would have never planned. A year ago I moved in with my brother across town with a meager job as a craftswoman. I was awaiting to hear from graduate schools and still shedding lots of tears over the end of 2010. I was scared to see what awaited me in the coming 12 months; wondering if I would see the new person on the other side of me. I signed a 6 month lease because of an idea of not knowing what to expect. This year has been one that was full of pain, joy, new experiences, and life. I couldn't think of a better way to communicate what this year has meant to me other than to write a letter to 2011. Next post, I'll list some of the top experiences of the year and end it with a letter to 2012 that I am sure will sound nothing like the letter a year from now because isn't that how life is supposed to be? Expecting the unexpected.
Dear 2011,
As I sit here and listen to the songs that carried me through your lowest blows, I can't help but think of the biggest hills that you had me climb. I was directionless and living on a tiny budget that looking back makes me smile at my resourcefulness with it. In January, I was wrestling with a lost view of my whole self. I saw only what people would point out to me. I saw an uncertain future ahead that I had accepted would include some sort of hard journey. Moving in with Nathan was quite the surprise, but we defied all concerns and have now been here in this apartment for a year.
Speaking of the apartment, we moved in here in hopes of finding a different place, but I am so glad we didn't. It has its quirks and neighborhood grace, but I wouldn't change it for anything. We painted, arranged, and fell in love with the space. We can see all of Antioch from the back of the building and a beautiful sunrise and farm from the porch. My job here across the parking lot was so incredible and healing. I prayed for more colorful people in my life and I received just that. I also had bosses that taught me, extended grace to me, and shared their brave lives with me over 6 months of leasing work. I loved it.
February rolled around and I started going to counseling in hopes of restoring my own view of myself. I needed to start seeing the whole me and living by the real truth God had to offer. My truth turned out to be no truth at all, but the consequence to my own independence. I was able to talk about Mom for the first time and maybe even grieve her absence in a healthy way.
In March, I witnessed life at its fullest. I was able to go meet our little Julia Grace. Though she is no longer with us, her heart is a part of our family. The people that we proceed in growing into are much stronger because of her presence in our lives. She was beautiful and quite an astonishing testament to God's generous gifts and plans. We lost her at the end of this year, but she will not be left behind for she has become a piece of us as people.
April sailed in with acceptance letters. UT or Alabama? Big changes or the pursuit of the changing? I chose UT and anxiously awaited the lessons graduate school had for me. my doubts were significant and the "what ifs..." were in full swing, but the better side of me was beginning to win out and I decided for myself that I would live the moment. I started to run. I thought I was doing it for exercise at first, but I think I was really doing it to literally practice the mindset of running towards God's provisions in full speed rather than hesitancy. I began to live in the moment and live for that satisfaction. I shared one of the most profound moments that month in crossing the finish line with my Daddy in tears at my first 5k. I had done it all because God and I agreed I could.
May through June was a whirlwind. School started and I was reading about 8 hours a day. But it is here that I learned to ask for help. I had almost no money. I don't write this to you 2011 for pity or apologies, but rather a thank you. I wasn't sure if I would financially make it. Yet, God provided. I learned that others could be,if not more, dependable than myself. I owe those four people so much and I pray to God that it comes out through my career.
Fall hit with a bunch of new classes and a new internship. I was so full of fear in starting that internship because I had selected it on the fly because of the supervisor I would have. After four months, I can truly thank 2011 for placing her in my path. I have learned supreme professionalism and social work skills from her. She trusts me more than I trust myself and it is so evident through the responsibilities she allows me to take on. I have seen the underbelly of healthcare in TN, but I have also seen the heart of it as well. I met incredible girls in my program that have encouraged me to practice social work with a God directed heart and his provisions on my lips. Without them, the harshness of this program would be impossible.
This year has been full of learning curves. It has been marked by climbing the mountain only to jump off again. Yet, each time I jump I have learned to anticipate the wind to catch me. I can't see it and sometimes I can't feel it, but the evidence of my surroundings tells me differently than those limits. I am a more whole person than I was a year ago. No. Than I have been in the last 14 years. I trust the me without God less and less thanks to 2011. 2011 you were more than I bargained for. I think I can mark you with the word "Deliverance". You delivered incredible experiences, but it was also the year God delivered me from 2010, from myself, from materialism, from dullness, and most of all from the gap between my sin and God himself. The biggest obstacle I faced was the other side of me. The me that has been hurt, that has lost, that is so unsure of itself. That side of me will be fought for a lifetime, but there is more to life than me. This life was never about me and that is the life changing truth. The sunsets on our porch, holding Julia, laughing with Nora, Sydney, Eli, and Isaac, crying with my parents, sharing the journey to Fellowship with Nathan, Heather's visits, Betsy's move to Nashville, interning at TPCA, sharing life with my siblings, running my 5ks, living resourcefully, traveling, and being blessed with so many friends is not about me. It's about my chapter in the big story of this world. The one I only hope to be a character in and not the author. Thank you 2011 for teaching me these things. Here comes 2012.
In God's hands,
Jenn
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