The Bamboo Shoot

Growing a Stone Hold....

2012-01-15T17:04:00.001-06:00

The semester has officially begun, I have had my traditional three breakdowns, and have sufficiently filled my planner for the next 3 months. Thursday was a world wind of tears and papers thrown up in the air. I wasn't sure that I would be able to ever have a mental strong hold on all that needs to be done this semester. I tried to draft almost three or four different peace treaties between my brain and the work load, but it just wasn't happening. So what else did I do but seduce both with crafting. I made a stellar weekly schedule (days, times frames, and subject) to go on my bedroom door. That's right I needed something to remind me that there can be a potential romance between my schedule and time in the day. This schedule gave me a signature on the bottom line of at least a temporary peace treaty agreeing that there is time in everyday to do what needs to be done.

The realist in me is soothed and the pessimist in me is also satisfied to still have room for mishaps along the way for the swaggon-waggon to break down and my hairs to get cut. I know this schedule will not always hold up , but I also believe it will hold up my mental end of the deal 75% of the time. It has worked well for me since Thursday. So well in fact that as a gift of ceremony the schedule gave me time to revamp my Toms pictured above. I found a tutorial on Pinterest and decided to give it a good go. My Toms are very special to me. A mother and friend of one of my long time students, Gracie, gave me these shoes in 2009 as a reward for graduating college.

At the time I was having quite the intense relationship with my Chacos, and then she offered me an alternative. She sold me when she exclaimed she just wanted to give me a winter version of my relationship with Chacos. Well, it worked and she was right. Because these are so special to me I didn't just want to up and replace them so I gave them new skin. I am so excited for my feet to retreat into their winter home while my Chacos go on vacation to Colorado to get a little work done.

Anyway, on the side of my schedule I wrote my song of the semester. I know, I know. You're thinking, "She has a word of the year and a song of the semester?" "What else does this chic prescribe to for coping?" I like symbolism...so judge me. The song lyrics are from a wonderful old hymn I grew up singing and have, just like my Toms, given new skin. "I heard my Savior say, thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness watch and pray. Find in me thine all in all."

This song has new skin in my life. This schedule alone will not save me from mental and physical stress. I also have to pray each morning for God to take on my day for me. I must agree to live on his strength and in His time regardless of my schedule. I must find my all for this semester in Him and with that will come peace and strength. He is so faithful and with that peace always follows. I know this semester is going to be hard. Doing what we are called to is NEVER easy or sexy as the call itself. I also know I won't be able to accomplish all that my heart desires, but more than that I hope I accomplish all that God's heart desires. Now if I can just ignore my own thoughts and human heart. That would be a great place to start in peeling off my old skin and designing my new one. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Goals for the Semester:
Read 2 non-fiction books
Have lunch with 3 admired professionals
Learn chess from brother bear
Have New Experience Fridays

Growing the Trees....

2012-01-08T21:20:00.001-06:00

This is what 750 pages of paper looks like and this is how I feel about them. They are going to grow quite at home over the next four months. They will be found on my sewing machine, in the printer, in between the sheets on my bed, crammed in the couch cushions, on the floor of my car, at my desk in TPCA, by the stove in the kitchen, and definitely on the back of the toilet. These are the sheets of paper that will be providing form to my articles, papers, and research for the last semester of my academic career ever!

I have the first school day jitters. Marci and I were in the car tonight on our way to meet brother bear when she looked me square in the eye and spoke sweet relieving truth. You have the first day jitters don't you? Yep, she knows me that well. My quiet mouth and twiddling thumbs just couldn't keep their minds to themselves. This will be my 15th semester and I still have the same doubts that I got as lanky little 14 year old 9th grader. I still look at the syllabi four nights before and have a pep talk with my planner about how to get it all done in record timing of 7 days.

Well, you know what 750 pages of paper? You want to know the truth, last semester? You want to know what I really think of you overindulgent life sucking projects? I am going to speak my mind. I think that you are bullies. I think that you must not have anything nicer to say or do so you just throw your weight around. You better watch your back. I am going to surprise you and sometimes even enjoy you. I am going to rock your world and I am also going to be the one that leaves YOU with paper cuts and spilled coffee.

I have my A-team at the ready to keep me sane while you are in my life. I have running, books on tape, cooking, small group, and sitcoms. I have Courtney and Nathan which should have you shaking in your boots, partner. I have the ability to ask questions, take breaks, and drink coffee with the big boys. So paper, projects, and syllabi you just go on back to your little corner and wait for me to be the one to hit the bell. This just ain't over till I say it is. May 5th, you just hang on because I am coming for you with a sparkle in my eye.

What I have to tuck in the back of my satchel is that there is something bigger than every project happening this semester. There is something bigger waiting on the other side of my diploma than all the meetings, research, and breakdowns. There is something more important waiting to be a product than the times I get angry, discouraged, or disappointed. There has always been something bigger than these things. I am not sure what that bigger things is, but I think I will know it by the looks of the Spirit. This semester will be a doozy, but it's nothing I will do alone, leave unfinished, or by my own strength. God is on my side and has already offered me tremendous endurance to take on day at a time. So for now I will just be thankful that God made the trees that made that stack of paper. I will be thankful that I have the time and resources to spend in class. I will sing praises that I made it to this semester by going through all those other 15 first day jitters. These are the things that matter today and might just help me through. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing into THE New Year...

2012-01-03T15:44:00.000-06:00

Some days I am not sure who reads this stuff that I write. In some ways, I have gotten comfortable with no one reading because I am around my computer more than my journal so it is here that I speak with God and proclaim honesty. There are many times that I go back and reread my posts because of the uncertainty that is faced when being honest about oneself. These last two posts are the most vital that I be completely clear. This letter is for the year 2012 and of course a tip of the ole hat to some fond memories I gained.

Dear 2012,
I have thought of communicating with you a lot lately. I have planned out my conversations with you and tried to guess your reactions. I have practiced all my charming jokes and looks in the mirror all leading up to this letter. So I decided to be honest at the open. YOU SCARE ME! The feelings I have toward you mirror those that one feels when preparing for a blind date. Is he attractive? funny? successful? Will he hurt me? befriend me? marry me? Of course I can't answer any of those myself, but that doesn't stop me from asking them and imagining the worst.

You might know 2011. We had quite the go of it, but in the end I think fondly of it. I am trying really hard to look at you with the same sentiment. With all that I have accepted, tried, and been through in the last 2 years, I still have some real fears with a new year. I anticipate really difficult learning curves unlike before. I anticipate failing only a dozen bazillion times and looking around in tears for some glue to fix it all. I worry that I won't find a job. I worry that my car will quit before I can afford it to. I worry that I will be hurt or lose yet again. I worry that I will go backwards and fall into my old struggles. I fear the new struggles that you will bring my way. I fear forgetting the things I have learned in the last 2 years, but I think even more than that I fear having to practice those lessons in full swing. This means hardship, anxiety, stress, and tight living. Will I deliver myself back into those habits and hard places? Maybe.

But here is what I know for sure. The God I knew in 2011 is so much bigger in 2012. I know that I am loved by family and friends, but even more by the Lord. He will provide when there is no other option emotionally, financially, relationally, and professionally. It scares me to type those things, but He knows that too. I love that is a fact. He knows my fears about you and what you will offer me in the coming year. He also knows the beauty that awaits. There are some great things in you that I am already grateful for.

2012, I will be the first one to receive my masters on my father's side. I will welcome a new niece or nephew, I will run/walk the 1/2 marathon with my Ameya group, I will grow closer to my small group at Fellowship being challenged the whole way, and lastly I will try and fail everyday to live in the moments that you and the Lord agree on. I anticipate scary, hard, difficult, and changing things, but I will also anticipate the beautiful, rewarding, and unexpected things too. They come together and compliment each other as best friends.

I have a lot to learn this year. I have a lot of false gods, personal short falls, and even more past to address. 2011 has set you up well for me to look them square in the eye, sometimes right past them, or at their feet, but either way there will be something to learn and talk about this time next year. I accept with anxiety and tears that I will cry out a lot with tears and with my voice. I accept that I will fail and succeed in my career and personal life. I accept that I might find a dark hole this year, but I also accept the light that is always present in hope. My word for this year?
Attentiveness.

Top Experiences of 2011:
Being an extra in a movie with Cynthia (ask me sometime:})
Working at Joann's
Working at the Summit
Moving in with Brother Bear
Meeting Julia Grace
Beginning graduate school
Being placed with my NOGS (FBC small group)
Running the Music Row 5K
Trips to Huntsville
Scratch Cooking
Scholarship from UT
Discovering Mckay's/WhichWhich/City House/homemade Chuy's sauce/Pack-way Handle Band
Harry Potter Premiere with OCYG
Birthday with the Belchers
Girls Day Out with Cynthia
Dinner Clubs
All our house guests
Buying my first appliance
Trip to Memphis to see Jocelyn
Ticket fights with Jonathan Woods
Meeting with the Gang Unit of Nashville
Meeting with the CEO of Agape
7 Days Together-Friday
Harry Potter surprise with the Bennetts
Sledding with the Surdacki girls

Growing into a New Year....

2012-01-02T09:34:00.000-06:00

This year has been very unexpected and one that I would have never planned. A year ago I moved in with my brother across town with a meager job as a craftswoman. I was awaiting to hear from graduate schools and still shedding lots of tears over the end of 2010. I was scared to see what awaited me in the coming 12 months; wondering if I would see the new person on the other side of me. I signed a 6 month lease because of an idea of not knowing what to expect. This year has been one that was full of pain, joy, new experiences, and life. I couldn't think of a better way to communicate what this year has meant to me other than to write a letter to 2011. Next post, I'll list some of the top experiences of the year and end it with a letter to 2012 that I am sure will sound nothing like the letter a year from now because isn't that how life is supposed to be? Expecting the unexpected.

Dear 2011,
As I sit here and listen to the songs that carried me through your lowest blows, I can't help but think of the biggest hills that you had me climb. I was directionless and living on a tiny budget that looking back makes me smile at my resourcefulness with it. In January, I was wrestling with a lost view of my whole self. I saw only what people would point out to me. I saw an uncertain future ahead that I had accepted would include some sort of hard journey. Moving in with Nathan was quite the surprise, but we defied all concerns and have now been here in this apartment for a year.
Speaking of the apartment, we moved in here in hopes of finding a different place, but I am so glad we didn't. It has its quirks and neighborhood grace, but I wouldn't change it for anything. We painted, arranged, and fell in love with the space. We can see all of Antioch from the back of the building and a beautiful sunrise and farm from the porch. My job here across the parking lot was so incredible and healing. I prayed for more colorful people in my life and I received just that. I also had bosses that taught me, extended grace to me, and shared their brave lives with me over 6 months of leasing work. I loved it.
February rolled around and I started going to counseling in hopes of restoring my own view of myself. I needed to start seeing the whole me and living by the real truth God had to offer. My truth turned out to be no truth at all, but the consequence to my own independence. I was able to talk about Mom for the first time and maybe even grieve her absence in a healthy way.
In March, I witnessed life at its fullest. I was able to go meet our little Julia Grace. Though she is no longer with us, her heart is a part of our family. The people that we proceed in growing into are much stronger because of her presence in our lives. She was beautiful and quite an astonishing testament to God's generous gifts and plans. We lost her at the end of this year, but she will not be left behind for she has become a piece of us as people.
April sailed in with acceptance letters. UT or Alabama? Big changes or the pursuit of the changing? I chose UT and anxiously awaited the lessons graduate school had for me. my doubts were significant and the "what ifs..." were in full swing, but the better side of me was beginning to win out and I decided for myself that I would live the moment. I started to run. I thought I was doing it for exercise at first, but I think I was really doing it to literally practice the mindset of running towards God's provisions in full speed rather than hesitancy. I began to live in the moment and live for that satisfaction. I shared one of the most profound moments that month in crossing the finish line with my Daddy in tears at my first 5k. I had done it all because God and I agreed I could.
May through June was a whirlwind. School started and I was reading about 8 hours a day. But it is here that I learned to ask for help. I had almost no money. I don't write this to you 2011 for pity or apologies, but rather a thank you. I wasn't sure if I would financially make it. Yet, God provided. I learned that others could be,if not more, dependable than myself. I owe those four people so much and I pray to God that it comes out through my career.
Fall hit with a bunch of new classes and a new internship. I was so full of fear in starting that internship because I had selected it on the fly because of the supervisor I would have. After four months, I can truly thank 2011 for placing her in my path. I have learned supreme professionalism and social work skills from her. She trusts me more than I trust myself and it is so evident through the responsibilities she allows me to take on. I have seen the underbelly of healthcare in TN, but I have also seen the heart of it as well. I met incredible girls in my program that have encouraged me to practice social work with a God directed heart and his provisions on my lips. Without them, the harshness of this program would be impossible.

This year has been full of learning curves. It has been marked by climbing the mountain only to jump off again. Yet, each time I jump I have learned to anticipate the wind to catch me. I can't see it and sometimes I can't feel it, but the evidence of my surroundings tells me differently than those limits. I am a more whole person than I was a year ago. No. Than I have been in the last 14 years. I trust the me without God less and less thanks to 2011. 2011 you were more than I bargained for. I think I can mark you with the word "Deliverance". You delivered incredible experiences, but it was also the year God delivered me from 2010, from myself, from materialism, from dullness, and most of all from the gap between my sin and God himself. The biggest obstacle I faced was the other side of me. The me that has been hurt, that has lost, that is so unsure of itself. That side of me will be fought for a lifetime, but there is more to life than me. This life was never about me and that is the life changing truth. The sunsets on our porch, holding Julia, laughing with Nora, Sydney, Eli, and Isaac, crying with my parents, sharing the journey to Fellowship with Nathan, Heather's visits, Betsy's move to Nashville, interning at TPCA, sharing life with my siblings, running my 5ks, living resourcefully, traveling, and being blessed with so many friends is not about me. It's about my chapter in the big story of this world. The one I only hope to be a character in and not the author. Thank you 2011 for teaching me these things. Here comes 2012.

In God's hands,
Jenn

Growing Together....

2011-12-24T12:20:00.001-06:00

Christmas at home in Dothan has always been a special time of the year for our family. With a family of 15 people it has become quite a challenge for us all to be together at once so Christmas is about the only time we are able to accomplish such a feat. We have oreo balls, chex mix, red velvet cake, and a full frig already. These are a few of our favorite things With 14 people it can be hard to find things that we all love, and these are some of the things we share.

This time for us has always been seen as a culmination of things we like to share. We love to share jokes, funny teasing opportunities, new music and books we've discovered over the year, and sometimes games. We tag team playing with the children and laugh a lot. I love our family with all of our quirks and learning curves. I love that we are big and provide plenty of people to hug. I love that we are different and experts in all different types of things from teaching to theology; it makes trivia very interesting. I love that we are a family. This is what community should be like. I have learned the most about community from my family. Community is messy, it's diverse, and it's needed. Community is family.

I know that our Christmases together are getting harder and will one day become fewer. It makes me sad to think of this potential future. I am the "littlest" sister of the family and have cherished these times very much for the last 13 years. I hope to one day invite someone into this special time before they dissolve, but only the Lord truly knows the future of that. Until then I intend to continue making memories so that if they can't be experienced first hand they can at least be retold. I don't think most of my family reads my blog, but if they did I would tell them this:

Family,
We are the finest recipe of sorts and the biggest musical orchestration. We could make a slow game of scrabble be the most exciting word game in history. We are the family with the best and most loved children that influence laughter approximately 24 hours a day. We are forgiving, loving, and most of all we are unique to the definition of family itself. I love you very much and wouldn't trade our years together for anything not even a Red Ryder BB Gun. You've always made my life full and strong, but especially in the last year. Thank you for defending me, telling me the truth, and remaining empathetic when it hurt. You are the muscles to my heart and I look forward to years of building that up and growing more together than before.

In God's hands,
Jennifer

Growing Diversity...

2011-12-11T22:13:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking quite a bit recently about when I first learned the concept of diversity. I'm not sure the exact point at which this became a reality for me, but I could certainly tell you times when I was reminded of it. One of the more profound moments that I realized diversity was when I was asked one day why I daily choose Jesus. It was asked by a very wise and invited mentor in my life at the time. My first response was the "right" answer concerning eternal life. He asked me again and I replied in a modified answer, but for some reason I knew and so did he that this answer would not sustain me much longer in my relationship with Christ as it related to those around me.

He asked me a couple more times in a more poignant tone and I broke down in tears when the reason rushed into my heart. My answer was so hard to share because it not only answered the question, but it also revealed a lot about my heart, my worldview, and my battle in life. I choose Jesus on a daily basis because he loves people that don't look like me, live like me, or talk like me. I can't love everyone, help everyone even if I tried. Most days I am so selfish that I sadly choose not to love others. Days even when this is the sad case Jesus will love them. He loves those that are like me and those that are not like me. No one falls through the cracks with him and no one goes unnoticed. They all get lovingly gazed upon and loved just like me.

Today in service a powerful testimony was given by a former teen in our our church's youth group. This student went to Peru last summer and gave his testimony to a group of local children with special needs. He then delivered his testimony on camera for all of us to be blessed by. Did I mention that this student has down syndrome? One of the most profound things I have heard on diversity was stated by this young man, "We are all different, but God made us all the same because we need his love." I have NEVER heard diversity put in a more beautiful way than that.

I am different from everyone in some ways, but I wrestle, I need, and I breathe for life just as anyone else I pass by and may not notice any given day. I appreciate diversity because it is what my profession of social work is based on, but when it comes to my personal and spiritual life this should be the same. I must begin by honoring diversity in these realms and pointing out the ways that God has made us all to need him and that we must work together to obtain a life in him. Diversity is a beautiful thing. It is what gives us color, creativity, food, and love. It causes us to appreciate, celebrate, and acknowledge the truly awe inspiring aspects of this life that God has given. I hope to continue honoring my differences with people and to be thankful for them when i can.

Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing Observance...

2011-12-10T14:42:00.000-06:00

The other day I had some time before going to counseling and found myself downtown at the library and near the restaurant that serves my favorite thing to eat in all of Nashville. So I decided to take advantage of both and read my books that were on hold at Puckett's. I went a little after the rush hour and the crowd was dwindling.

I like to try and go to restaurants after these hours of busyness because it's then that I get to people watch those who are worth observing. You see the man in the corner reading the paper and sipping his third cup of coffee. I am able to see what section he is interested in and wonder what he does with the information he absorbs. I witness the true camaraderie or tension between staff as they all gather behind the bar to talk since their customers have lessened their demands. I am able to really take in the essence of the restaurant.

Pucketts is one of my favorites to do this in because it is downtown and has some of the best skillet apple pie to people watch over. There is another location in Franklin, but that one isn't right off the corner of the library and the true state of Nashville's citizens. Many of the homeless in Nashville spend their days in these two spots either inside or on the corner. I like this location because it tells me the truth of some people's misfortune and it also gives me a taste of diversity in a way that Franklin tries to avoid most days.

I love going to places that touch my favorite things in life , but also adds a sobering twist to the experience. I enjoy people watching more than most other things in life. People are my experience and so to wonder and sometimes create relationship with passerby's is really fun for me. Call me crazy or call me unique either way it is these ways that I learn. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; catch you on the next mile!!

Growing Womanhood....

2011-12-01T09:04:00.001-06:00

I am now officially on break! I turned in my last project on Tuesday and haven't looked back since. We also celebrated, my niece, Julia bee's first birthday yesterday! Our 10lb miracle baby is so precious and so loved. Nana planned a birthday/cupcake party for her at our home congregation in AL that I was so lucky to come to thanks to my supervisor letting me out of a training I was supposed to have today.

I just wanted to take a post to talk about growing into womanhood. I am not anywhere near the real version of womanhood yet, but I hope to get there someday. I grew up in a place where when there is a crowd of four or more the women are in the kitchen and the men are elsewhere. Even when the women aren't cooking in the kitchen they seem to just relax in there. {Maybe that's where I got my love for social food events?} I am reminded of this cultural act every time I come home and I appreciate it.

Dinner was served yesterday at Julia's party and I spent a few minutes in the kitchen with all the women. It was such a warm feeling to watch these women that have actively participated in my physical, spiritual, and social growth give back once again. They are some of the ones along with Neva that taught me how to be a proper woman. Throw them in a kitchen and in a matter of minutes something is getting cooked, washed, dried, or organized while laughter and stories are shared the whole time. I have learned over 21 years to just watch these women and answer politely when spoken to. I have also learned to ask questions when you want to know how to make something because otherwise you won't get the real secrets.

I also got to see a beautiful reminder of the incredible women that my stepsisters, Jenny and Jodie, are. There have been so many moments of us being family that I have prayed to be women like them someday. They are loving and willing mothers learning along the way. They are both still in love with their husbands and lean on them with so much trust. They are also intelligent and trusting women of God. They would respond to all these praises with humility, but I also see that as a gift of acceptance to be imperfect and to try again.

Then there is Neva. She has been such a tremendous example of womanhood in the Lord. She serves Him so diligently by loving us a family and giving what she can to everyone else. She is patient, kind, and all the following virtues of that great passage in Corinthians. I have no better example of a loving helper than her.

I hope one day to embody all of these women the best that I can. I want to be who God wants me to be as a woman even now as I struggle, misstep, say the wrong things, take on the wrong attitudes, and sometime don't admit my need for help from the lORD. I so long to grow up one day , and to grow up into these women would be a dream come true. I have so many things that I just need to give up on so that God can take them away or make them into something better.

lORD, please help me to give over the things that hinder my growth. Remind me of the tender path you have led me down and show me the one you are leading me to. I pray that the spirits in each of these women would encourage me to continue walking and trying in your strength.

Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!q

Growing a Holiday...

2011-11-21T06:52:00.002-06:00

So I am awake without hesitation for the first time in months. I promptly arose out of bed this morning before brother bear at 6:10. I was pretty thankful because when brother bear wakes up he gets the one bathroom for 30 minutes and did I mention ONE bathroom (which means one throne). It was so nice to be awake early this morning especially with the rain that I woke up to.

Today is my last day of interning for the semester and I am down to the last project for class. Thankfully I met with my professor last week to find out exactly what this one would entail and I learned that it requires excellence, but not slavery so tonight is the last of my up all night exertions to get school done. I counted this morning and this semester I have had 336 hours of interning, 13 gang related blog posts, 14 discussion boards, 11 (8 hour each) worksheets, 13 non-profit financial activities, 13 surveys, 2 books, 6 projects totaling to almost 328 hours of work alone, and an average of 5 hours of sleep a night. All this over the last 4 months. Can you believe it!?

I am SO growing towards a holiday! This last project has proven to be a booger to get to working on. A)it's my last one, B)I keep daydreaming of decorating the aptmento for Christmas, C)I keep daydreaming about visiting my family. I am looking forward to my nice long marathon break approaching me in three days. On Wednesday, brother bear and I are hopping in the old swaggon-waggon to go see our grandparents in NC which is about a 10 hour trip. We will be there till Saturday and heading back that morning. Sunday we are going to pick out a tree from one of Nathan's customers' farms and decorating the aptmento in such a way that would make the Grinch's heart grow a few sizes. Then Monday morning I am hopping in the swaggon-waggon alone to go visit the parents, Johnson family, Wakefields, and the sweet kiddos for a week! We are going to celebrate Julia's birthday on Wednesday with my home church. I can't wait for that special day. I am not surprise it's been a year because we serve a powerful God, but I am so very very thankful.

Then I am headed back to Nashville and crafting it up for three weeks till Nathan and I hop back in the car and head to Virginia to spend Christmas with our ENTIRE family! God is the soil, my family the water, and lately school has been the roots to my growth, but not in the coming weeks. My car and my craft room are planning to uproot my tree and give me new life and space for a time. I can't wait. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot, growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!!

Growing Tunnel Vision...

2011-11-03T08:25:00.003-05:00

My free time is slowly coming back to me. I traveled to Searcy this past weekend for Homecoming and enjoyed a long weekend of public speaking about social work, hugging familiar friends, having reunions,
and spending time with little brothers and sisters!

It was such a full weekend that restored my every fiber of energy and reminded me that God can literally create moments of breathing out of nothing. It was wonderful. I enjoyed a wonderful ride there with Betsy and Marci and a great ride with just Marcmellow on the way back.

Two days ago I turned in the biggest assignment yet of my graduate school life. I reached out for prayers in every outlet I knew just trying to tame the beast and I did! I got it turned in on time and feel really good about the fake grant application that it was. My eyes are starting to wander back to crafts and I am wringing my hands over some books sitting on my shelf right now waiting for me to put down my social work texts (this one in particular). I ran my whole mile yesterday with a smile on my face because I just haven't had time to even get out from under my Mac to do anything physical. Free time is at hand people and I am a frenzy of "to do for fun" lists!

God is being so faithful to me in ways that I didn't even know that I needed. He is also giving me glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel. This is what I need to stay motivated and to keep going. When I spoke this weekend, one of the classes I spoke to was a group of senior social work majors. They all had the look of drool, weariness, and lack luster on their faces. I just told them the best I could that graduate school was a great option and they should all consider the impact of it on their careers. I had coffee with a group of them later and come to find out that I was their light at the end of the tunnel. The evidence that there is a life after this whole project and research laden world. How ironic that God knew I needed to know that there is the same life waiting for me after graduate school and he is showing me through short amounts of time I can devote to other things. Thank you so much Lord for your compassion and loving heart on me. I don't deserve it, but Jesus allowed me to taste it. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing to Make Noise...

2011-10-15T21:09:00.005-05:00

"The hardest part is letting go and not taking part. That's the hardest part." "And I tried to sing, but couldn't think of anything. That was the strangest part." "Silver lining the cloud. Oh and I wish I could work it out." These beautiful lyrics are by my FAVORITE band of all time. They are my answer to any music finality themed question I get. If I couldn't listen to anything else for the rest of my life then what would I listen to? Coldplay. If you could only hear one sound then what would it be? Coldplay. If you could meet a famous musician and eat dinner with them then who? Chris Martin (Coldplay). What band sings your life in theme? Really people? Do I need to answer again?

These lyrics really stuck with me a year ago and still resonate with me as I continue to heal, grow, and plant my life over again. Some days it is uncanny to look over my shoulder at October-December 2010. It blows my mind that God cares for me that much and that He has given me the most unpredictable journey I wouldn't have known to ask for. These lyrics truly spoke the tough beginnings of last year. Moving forward from ministry for now. That was the hardest part. Then there was the restart button in front of me including so many things grad school, new job, new roommate. That was the strangest part. Then there was that the silver lining that at least this might work out with this person and then I had to let that go too. That was the hardest part.

Now I see the hardest part is not really moving forward. It's the constant temptation to look back and beckon some of that towards the now. That is DEFINITELY the hardest part. God has been so faithful and loving. Yet, I have also seen him in harshness and discipline. I have had a lot of hard things to learn and deal with over the last year, but the real toughness comes when it comes to being mindful of not dragging the past into the wrong chapter of my journey. It seems that the recent theme with my friends and I is to listen to the truths. In those truths lay love, honesty, and God's faithfulness and forgiveness. Truths are what we can live our lives by and determine who we are. Truths are the telescope unto our paths. Truths are the band aid, the ointment, and the scar. "Instead, speaking truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From him the whole body joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" I have grown in hearing the truth and will continue to do so, but in being part of THE body I must also learn to grow into making noise.

It is my turn to make noise by speaking the truth of God and his word to others around me. Everyone struggles in listening to the wrong truths. They are the truths of their past and not the now. Listening to the lies that never tell the whole story. We are listening to everything, but the faint noise of truth that should be loud. Therefore, if I had to sing one thing for the rest of my life? Truth. That's my answer.

The picture above is my sweet best friend Rae who I was suppose to go see Coldplay with three years ago and I ended up having to sell my tickets. So she called me at the concert and let me listen with her. Why wouldn't I do that for those around me? Why wouldn't I hold up the phone for my friends to the truths that they are loved, forgiven, wanted, and accepted in Him? I hope to be able to grow into the one making the noise this next year around and moving forward from the one behind. I hope to continue and listen to these same truths that have become the year 2011 for me. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing Availability...

2011-10-06T17:33:00.003-05:00

I teared up today maybe more than once over the word "no". I wasn't being told no, but rather I was saying no quite a bit. It has been a crazy week at school and in life. Ask Nathan how many mornings this week I have run out of my room with my hair reaching for the sky and wearing a panicked look on my face. It's been three so far. My alarms are either not going off or I'm not acknowledging them. I have had to be somewhere 30 minutes away at every rush hour in the day so far this week. I have an extra little body to take care of in the form of a cute puppy for a friend. I had a policy related letter to send to TN representatives. Oh yeah, and Jonathan is getting married tomorrow!

It's been crazy and I have had to say no more than once which is so unlike what I would rather be saying. My friends and family have been so gracious towards me as I have tried to accommodate my new word. They have loved me and worked around my word's context. They have encouraged me to say it even when I don't want to. Though I have also learned the opposite as well. I have learned the art and beauty of saying yes. My parent's and best friend came to visit Nathan and I for a wedding and it was blissful! I said no and yes in the same weekend and I am still kickin'! I said no to homework for once and said an absolute yes to everything that my family wanted to do. It was great! It was a perfect reminder that I should practice saying yes too. Nathan is really good at getting me to say yes even on my darkest days. It isn't an overnight thing ya know!

I am learning that by saying yes I can call upon the Lord for strength to help me do it with joy and when I say no for that to be a reward in the end. He is giving ALL the strength I am using to do everything I have to do on a weekly basis. He is watching me make mistakes and miss out, but he is also giving me new opportunities and helping me succeed. It has been quite the journey and I have loved it so far. Things are still changing all the time. Jonathan is moving to Jackson with his beautiful new wife to be a youth minister (So jealous for all those students down there)! Nathan is almost done with his first semester of school! Go Bubbaroo! Heather is teaching and exploring our hometown more than ever and I am almost half done with my biggest bucket list item yet. I can't believe it, but then again I can.

Because almost exactly a year ago I learned to say no to one thing and yes to another. God gave me strength and hope where they should lie and here I am doing the mysterious and looking to bring God the glory. Thank you Lord for being faithful and for always guiding me to live with the end in mind! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing Joy...

2011-09-13T08:58:00.002-05:00

I miss doing crafts whenever I please. I miss spending a whole day cooking. I miss sitting around and sipping coffee. I miss running around with brethren and laughing at the stupid comments I come up with. I miss dropping into Betsy's whenever I am in the area. I miss watching movies at length and college football until my nerves just can't take anymore. I miss reading the word for 45minutes without looking at the clock. BUT now I get to...

Wake up at 6:00am and do some crafting before I hop in the shower for my day. I get to watch my brother put goodness into a crockpot and prove to me it still tastes like he spent hours on it. I get to sit for 30 minutes at the end of my day with a water jar. I get to make these dumb comments on the way to church, while we are both studying, and when brethren comes home from work. Funniest to date? "I almost can't wait to be old." (While gazing at an older woman driving to church on Sunday. I love hearing him laugh at my silliness). I get to scare Betsy as her Mac, 20 minutes away from me, rings with my face! I watch movies and football while reading my research out loud over the wanted noise. I read the word now for 30 mins instead and it is still just as wonderful.

I don't get to do a lot of things just like I did before graduate school became my literal bedfellow (I almost always have a document open or papers next to me at night), but now I get to practice creativity and fight for the small things that make this chaotic life worth living. I am growing by leaps and bounds and show no end in sight...thank goodness! Get out there and decide what makes your life more full of joy and thankfulness. Do it at whatever it costs. Need a trip to see that one person? Take it! Need to see that one movie? Go for it! Want to make that one craft that completes your sanctuary? Craft it! For God gives us everything we need for enjoyment...including time or so I like to believe (2 Timothy 6:17). Well I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!!

Growing...

2011-09-05T13:44:00.002-05:00

Fall is definitely here! I walked outside this morning and needed to retreat back in for a sweater. The weather is coming with rain, but that rain is also caroling me inside to do homework on this one day off until fall break. It really is astonishing at how much is changing around me along with the weather. Babies are being born, marriages are set to date, new jobs are opening up, relationships and friendships are blossoming, people are growing, and all reminding us how much God really has control.

I am thankful for this reminder so that I can loosen my grips on projects, grades, internships, and relationships. These things remind me that God is in control all the time whether I let him be or not. I imagine it as a tug of war and God is simply smiling at me with affection waiting for me to let go, stumble backwards into his arms, and then to set me upright. I can feel him in those moments telling me for us to try it again together. Suddenly, all the things that I fear in change come forth and he tells me that those are not significant and have nothing to do with the path ahead.

This is how change works for me. It makes me thankful for this season of the year because it gives beautiful reminders of change and the curious lead that it presents to move forward. I am witnessing some incredible changes around me and feel the same happening for myself. Yet, why can't I look at them the same? Why do I not feel as lucky as everyone else? It's because I am scared. I am scared of my future changing to my past. I am scared I won't recognize myself on the other side. I am sure though that God has a beautiful picture in mind for the next year that I need only be excited for.

I have been through quite a bit of change in the last year. Every step just as painful as the last, but every realization as astonishing as the first. God is changing everything because this is how we learn new things and sometimes old things about who he is among us. I love him for that. I serve him for that. He is the one mystery in my life that I can always count on. So here I go holding on to him in the next stroke of my painting. Lord, thank you for never leaving me. Thank you for grieving beside me and anticipating what's ahead. I am no longer growing in the church, but into the church. You are peace everlasting!

Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing a Sweatband...

2011-08-15T09:08:00.002-05:00

Whew! Life is definitely got some hydrolic engines strapped to its boots right now, but I couldn't be more satisfied with how it is all going. Everyone is out of my apartment. No more roofing, no more windows and doors being placed, and no more drywall! The aptmento certainly needs its 6 month carpet clean, but I am going to ride that one out until we are all done painting. She is beginning to come to life for the brother and I. We are finally on the same page of love for her and getting all the attention at the moment. There are certain things that I really love about living in the aptmento. It has brought out that my brother deserves 50 points for his Hogwarts house for the creativity he uses to load our tiny dishwasher good and tight. It has brought out that craft rooms really are the end all be all in a home. It has brought out my true age of 80 something because I sit in my same recliner just about every time I walk into our living room. It also has shown us what one can really do and not do with 850 squares.

Anyway, I just got back from what seemed like a whirlwind trip before the fall semester starts. There are moments I feel as though my head and life are on the chopping block of time. I know that a week and definitely a month from now that my life will look completely different. So because of that I wanted to take one last hoorah. I drove down to Albany, GA to see one of my mentors. Her husband was on a mission trip so we spent the day together just catching up and me soaking in advice along the way. Then I drove home to see my first student go off to Auburn. I met Gracie when she was 11 and she has been with me all the way to be a little tiger herself beginning Wednesday. I am so proud of her and grateful for all the wonderfully hard things she has taught me. While at home I got to see the other half of my mentors. I also was able to see Nora's excitement for her first day of school for myself. On all accounts she went in fine, but my stepsister is being a wonderful mom and missing her.

It seems as though everyone is doing something new. Tammy and Matt have new ministry partners on the way, Gracie is starting college, Nora is starting school, my sister is buying a new house, my parents are living the debt free life, and I am about to start the marathon of graduate school. Four classes were a challenge, but doable. This semester is one big blind spot.I can do no planning and in fact my placement will be unknown until the day we start. I just have to go with it and in the history of myself that has never been good. Yet, I know and have peace that God has been preparing me for this for quite some time now. I always know that, but rarely do I accept, absorb, and live with it. This time my whole worldview has changed and I can feel it.

I have two days left before the madness of learning begins. So what does one do two days before her life is essentially given over the authorities of the DSM and social theories? Well, she bakes a cake that tastes like the essence of fall to remind her in the overwhelmed states that help is on the way. She finishes painting the aptmento so she has somewhere to come home to. She finishes that book her students gave her so that she can know the whole story and not mix it up with her research. She gets her car fixed so she can get to school without panic. She buys a new computer so she can have all the best resources to get this journey done right. Lastly, she cooks dinner for all the ones in the same boat. I am having some pretty sweet cats over tomorrow night that have made me feel more normal in this grad process than anyone could attempt. They stress like I do, but they also care the same. I need to grow me a sweatband to keep up with these ladies, but especially the next two days as this chick has strong ideas of a blowout summer. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Just Growing Up...

2011-07-26T15:05:00.002-05:00

I had an interview today in downtown Nashville. I paid an absurd amount for parking, pulled on my stilettos, stuck my head up with Daddy's old briefcase of 20 years in my hand, and walked a 1/2 mile to my interview in 90 degree weather. I walked in the building handed the sweet building guard my license and he made me a temporary id. I went through the glass doors and had my interview. This interview was not for a job, but for an internship which at this point is just as important. I felt grown-up doing these things. Walking in between such large buildings and passing such expensive suits I thought to myself how much my professional life had to catch up to.

Sunday night I got a renewed sense of what I really hope to do with my degree. I was casually doing some current event research between NPR and HuffingtonPost.com and stumbled across a load of organizations and uproar over the very thing I was considering doing my Master's thesis on over the next year. Up to this point, I had really thought that I was shooting in the dark with my hopes and dreams. I was becoming discouraged at the lack of awarenes and research being done on my area of interest until Sunday night.

What is that focus? I want to develop mentoring programs that will lower high school drop out rates and thus at-risk behavior in low income youth. This is it. This is what I have been so interested and captivated by even in youth ministry all these years. The rabbit hole that lead me to discover the unturned rock of outside interest was a documentary called The Interrupters. It is a non-profit agency in Chicago set on Evidence Based Practice to lower teenage shootings. It was inspiring and I hope to get the full film through Netflix soon. Then I stumbled on a program in Washington called Friends of the Children. This former CEO founded the organization with people who are committed to the program for at least 12 years. They are trained and paid as full time employees to mentor up to 8 children starting at an early age all the way through high-school graduation. I was astounded!

This is what I would like to be a part of. This is what I would eventually like to bring back to my home state and use it to address the dropout rates in AL. I felt so alone before in the idea that I was conjuring, but not anymore. I can look up and out with relief that there are others that are just as interested in the power of human relationship as I am. One person can change another person that could change the world in which they live. Not every life will be completely altered, but they may be forever a bit different because of that one person, that one moment of investment. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing the Warm Fuzzy

2011-07-21T09:23:00.002-05:00

There are several things that give me that warm and fuzzy feeling. The feeling that I get to just sit and remember the things that once made me so incandescently happy in that very moment. I love talking about those moments and memories with the Lord especially since he is the one that gave them to me. They make me want to sit in those memories with a cup of chai tea and a blanket, but also to throw of that blanket and get out and feel more of those feelings. Think you've never felt those warm and fuzzys? Oh you have. Ever laid in the sun strip that comes through your window in the afternoons and teared up a bit at the comfort? Ever witnessed such a funny moment that you laugh about it that afternoon and then that night as you crawl into bed? Or what about that sweet sentimental word that someone shared with you and you now associate with that person every time you see them? The feelings of laughter, smiles, and tears are the warm fuzzies. For example, I get them everytime I travel to Memphis. It makes me remember my drives back to Harding around this time to start a new school year. I just wanted to list my warm and fuzzies for nobody's benefit except mine and maybe those that these include. Thank you those of you below that have allowed me to feel these feelings of love and happiness, but above all thanks to the Lord for using them to remind me of his faithfulness and playfulness. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Meeting Hannah Valls at Honors Symposium
-becoming her roommate in 2005

Pulling into Searcy
-my years at Harding

Walking on the Westgate trail with my family and Heather's family
-This is where we have our needed talks

Hoping on 82 in Albany
-going home to Mama Judy and Sonny's or the other direction to Westwood Church

Drinking peach lemonade
-afternoons spent at the Valentine's in Searcy

The trees on the front lawn at Harding in Oct/Nov
-fall is most beautiful in AR and the way Rae and I would call each other when we could finally smell it in the air

Watching You've Got Mail in bed

Eating Matt's burgers and drinking passion fruit juice
-Matt grilling with Tammy at Greg and Sandi's on my first weekend back at my internship

Waffles with chocolate chips
-insomnia during my internship at Judy and Sonny's

Watching Hocus Pocus with pumpkin latte in hand
-Rae and I loving Halloween with other evidences of fall

Blueberry picking
-a much needed day off at OC with the Bennett's

Tears in the Valentine kitchen
-so many lessons learned in this house

Tinkerbell and bedtime
-watching tinkerbell with nieces in nephews in their pjs

Harry Potter marathons
-OCYG lock-in and last Harry Potter premiere ever

Peppermint patties
-Jonathan's surprise to me on my last week in the office at OC

Spontaneous Sonic runs
-Rooming with Betsy

Trips to the lake
-family time at the lake house

Corn dogs and roasted corn
-the peanut festival with my parents

Mute Math
-spontaneous concert trip with Tess and Jedda to Memphis and back

Piercings
-cartlidge piercing in Searcy Walmart with Marci

Strawberry cake and Percy Jackson
-birthdays and meals at the Belchers'

Growing a Script....

2011-07-12T21:32:00.003-05:00

So some of my best friends, Marci and Betsy, and I are learning scripture together. We chose 10 scriptures to learn over 10 weeks. As we spent a snuggle weekend together as we do every now and then, we just looked at each other in the different and drastically changing phases of life that we are in and decided we need to mark this time by memorizing scripture.

First, learning this practice is exactly as hard as I thought it would be. Second, it is remarkable how scriptures applies to all time. It has been uncanny how God has decided to show me that learning his words of wisdom to me is going to be useful. I love it! I love scripture even though I wrestle with it and often struggle to recall it in the worst of times. It is the breath of God to my dry being.

It is scripture that reminds me that I am doing better than I deserve because of a great love someone has for me. That someone being the Lord. This week's scripture is one I have used as a prayer for all six of my nieces and nephews. It is the thing I want for them now and as they grow. It is something I hope they gain as I try to love them and give them advice when they are older. It is something I hope they gain from each laugh I try to get, each tear that falls on my shoulder, and each "love you" that's passed on before bedtime. It's what I want for them as a result of being a good aunt.

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you maybe able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-to the glory and praise of God." No I didn't write that whole thing from memory, but most of it did come from the heart and well on its way to coming from both! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing an Education....

2011-06-30T08:14:00.003-05:00

What a whirlwind! I have just completed my first round of classes in grad school. I got an A on my first paper and played a game of darts in my first presentation to make an example and scored big points with my professor (seriously no pun intended). It has been a bit challenging not to be living my typical summer life like I have for the last six years, but it does feel great to be moving forward knowing there is a reward in the end.I have forgotten how wonderful it is to learn. To take things and apply them to the chaos around you is such a treat and peaceful feeling in many ways. It means that nothing is a waste!

I am learning that I receive great love. Even though I live with my brother I don't see him much literally and then when I do it is mostly laughing with him over highlighters, paper cuts, and deafening key strokes. He is a great sport about it though. He knows when I need space and quiet to take a quiz. So he'll go on our balcony and read. He knows when I need a break so he'll casually turn on a movie. He also knows when to turn my writing questions over to an expert; the thesaurus he has stowed for me on our bookshelf. He's been a great support.

I am learning that we live in the best place on earth. My boss at my job is wonderful. She pushes me professionally while I am at work, but she also is rooting me on in my education. I spend a lot of time in our aptmento alone studying. I see these four walls too much sometimes, but I still love where we live. I still find our aptmento charming and cozy. When I need human interaction, I just walk out of our front door across the parking lot to work. I see supporting neighbors, residents, and a couple treadmills beckoning company with my feet. When I need a sunset or time with the sun, it is all out my patio door on the top of our hill at The Summit.

I am learning that Jesus drank coffee and forever blessed the drink for his brothers and sisters. There is not a morning that goes by that I don't think to myself, "Thank you Lord for this coffee and the comfort you provide in this cup." Seriously! Try reading three 30 page articles in 6 hours and not pick up this liquid gold. It takes me back to the mountain views in Honduras and sharing a cup with Matt. It takes me back to the mornings in college I would wake Betsy up with our firing coffee maker just in time for chapel. It takes me to the tears that rolled into my cup on the day I drank one last refill with my parents before I moving to Nashville. It takes me back to when I would meet Ryan at the crack of dawn at a nobody cafe across Searcy to talk about where God was in our little worlds. It is my best non-talking friend.

I am learning a lot and I won't forget it either. This is such an inspiring time where I am aware of just how active God really is. He puts on his wind-suit every morning with me and sprays me with water whenever I'm over heated and holds my hand when needing a break. He is so loving and THAT is what I am learning. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing Contentment....

2011-06-22T09:42:00.002-05:00

I am sad. I am sad because two of my dear friends stopped through on their two week road trip and now they are leaving. Can I be honest? They are leaving without me. Isn't that sad? So much change has happened in the last month. Normally when this much change happens I get the urge to go travel and see the world so that I can appreciate what is at home. Not this time. No money, no time, no travel buddies all because of school. I know that school is where I am supposed to be. I know that I have a million reasons to be in a loving relationship with Nashville. I know that I have people who love me here and I know that these things that make me sad or fearful too shall pass. I just wish I could pass them literally in a car with my old friends.

I just wish I could be in a car with friends who knew me in my embarrassing stages and the ones I am learning to deal with now. I wish I could have the western winds blow through my hair, and that desirable book next to me in the back seat, but alas I am in the apartment, alone, with neuroscience articles all around me on the floor. I am learning contentment. Remember my last post about losing balance? This is what it feels like and I don't like it right now. I might feel differently tomorrow or next week, but today as my friends wave bye to me out their windows...I'm sad.

I hate losing balance because I also lose contentment. I have so much to love and live for right now, but in this moment I just want to glaze over that. "Mama said there'd be days like this. There'd be days like this my Mama said." I just need to be making my own adventures and finding the balance in the things that I allow to bother me and throw me off. Regardless of that though, Meg and Heather, have a great time! Laugh a lot, search for unseen gifts, and enjoy each other in these times. I hope you get lost and then find. I hope that you document everything for all of us to be inspired. And give some hugs to those we all wish we could see. Love you two!! Well, I'm just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing Balance....

2011-06-08T09:43:00.003-05:00

Note: this is just a reenactment and not reality. I love this picture because it is the perfect reminder of one of the worst weeks in ministry in my measly five years. It brings laughter and a plethora of stories to go with the reminder of a serious lack of balance I was experiencing at the time of this actual story. The two youth group moms and I were on our way to a site for one of our youth activities. On the way there, we got in a wreck (the other person's fault), but I happened to be in the back seat with no headrest. My head got whiplashed and I was strapped to a board with a tall glass of embarrassment. I was fine and able to walk around, but I had seen too many Grey's Anatomy episodes to know things happen later if not properly dealt with in the beginning. I was so embarrassed in fact that I had the EMT's and my OCYG moms cracking up and taking pictures.

The truth behind posting this picture is that I am reminded of the future of balance that I was thrown into several months later. I was thrown forward to realize that I had no balance and desperately needed to hunt some down. I lost balance after resignation, relationship change, and potential family loss all in one month span. I had severely lost balance in the middle of that time and in trying to cope with all the change. I don't deal well with change in the first place so this was a big undertaking. My best friends became those that had addresses on the local cable shows and any alone time given to me was drowned in food and cooking.

Then the sun began to shine through the cracks and I began to find my balance. I started running out my thoughts and feeding others my anxieties. I changed my address and forgot those of my new best friends. I would say the biggest improvement and constant battle is my practice for meditation with the Lord. That above all these changes is what makes the improvements worth doing. I have found a balance that I enjoy and find challenging. I have mentioned here before that I love the movie and book Eat, Pray, Love. I realize the controversy around Elizabeth Gilbert's story among my peers, but what I relate to and find universal truth in is her search for balance. She goes far and wide, sacrificing relationships once thought desired and gaining those that were needed to find her center that explains who she was and who she must become. She puts herself in impossibly uncomfortable positions simply to find balance. Then she finds a road block at the end of her search.

I am not claiming to have an ultimate balance maintained, but I do acknowledge what it will take for me to have it at this season in my life. I find myself defending that balance to the point of sacrifice. It makes little changes and investments seem like high stakes. New things are great for me, but if I see any indication of threatened tipping I want to walk away. Relax and enjoy yourself, my friends and family tell me, but what I want to say is how? How do I do that when the opportunity to do such threatens my balance. How much work will be needed to regain it afterwards? So have I really learned anything then? Have I learned anything when I am not willing to step out and take personal risks to add to my balance? I don't know yet. I am trying, but it is such a constant war inside of me what is worth adding and what is worth ignoring.

Lord I am learning to grow balance with you. You have taught me that balance does not eliminate stress or mistake, but it does give me perspective and to accept that I am a part of something larger. My balance reminds me that I am not here for me, but for anyone around me. You are teaching me that balance is heavy and not easy. You are teaching me that you can balance me on my one foot and use both of yours to keep me steady from within and out. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing a Purpose....

2011-05-17T09:31:00.003-05:00

So I go in to my new school today for the first time and meet with my professors to discuss the purpose of me receiving my degree. It is an exciting day for me. Not as exciting as this photo will look fast forwarded in 11 months, but excited to look back on my last 12 and shoot finger guns and wink and laugh at them. I am finally somewhere where a group of unknown people said I deserve to be and now expect me to prove that.

I spoke with one of my mentors on the phone this morning randomly and he encouraged me to keep my head up and keep moving forward. This is exactly how I plan to enter that office this afternoon. I may have a complex about what my intentions are with my degree, but it's not marriage were talking about here people! I can do whatever the Lord leads me to do, but I still need to realize that I have a purpose and intention with receiving this very expensive piece of paper over the next 11 months that I need to come out with.

Between now and 2:30 I must dig within me and find why I wanted this degree exactly 2 years ago to the day of taking the photo above. But can i really look at my future education without shining the bulb of the last two years on it? I have found something to be installed in me to work with teenagers that is not going to be turned off even if I wanted it to be. So what do I do with that in a degree that will be teaching me to work with organizations and communities rather than clients and patients? I'm not sure yet, but I deserve to walk into that office everyday for the next 11 months because I have tried to get here once before, gave up, had some adventures, got hurt, and here I am again knowing this is the purpose I have been watering and trying to nurture the last two years.

I am ready to relearn why I love social work and where it fits in my purpose. I'm growing people! Better look now because in a blink the Lord is going to have me look quite a bit different very soon. Thank you God for having patience enough to walk through this with me and to love me through asking all the same questions and getting very different answers. Thank you for leading me here and taking me in to the next destination. You provide all experiences and all opportunities and it is in this soil that I am growing a purpose. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing Courage....

2011-05-09T20:04:00.002-05:00

When I have internet access, I usually do one of two things; browse blogs or get lost in the Facebook world. I wish I could sincerely relate with all the people in my life who say they don't use it that much. I cannot and if I ever do agree with you then I am lying. I often find myself looking just to catch up with friends then I find myself looking up people I don't really talk to, but find interesting. Not long after that I find myself looking at people's profiles who are living the lives I think I want. You know what I am talking about. You end up looking at those adorable engagement photos and wondering why you aren't the other person in the photo...even if you don't know the other person!
Or the acquaintance that got a new job and as you begin exploring their new occupation you find yourself analyzing your own job and wondering why you don't have a career path like that.

This is the crazy downward spiral. If I'm not careful, I find myself doubting the exact place the Lord has placed me. If I'm not careful, I quickly forget that most the time I LOVE the place God has put me because it is what is best. Satan wants us to long for things that are not upon us or for us at all. He wants us to second guess the already sufficient blessings that the Lord has given us. Sometimes I find myself on a fast track to self-doubt and fear that I will not gain all I desire in life, but the truth is that is the fear. Gaining ALL I desire in life is what I should fear. It takes great courage to not gain all our own desires in life because all we desire 9 times out of 10 doesn't match the greatness God has in mind. I am learning to grow a bit of courage to embrace and chase the life I have right now. To have that bit of courage that will push me to seek the mystery of my future in the Lord.

I pray daily that the Lord gives me the contentment and courage I seek in the reminder of his faithfulness. I pray He forgives me when I miss the mark and desire other people's journeys or just a different one from my own. He has all we need already in mind. My counselor tells me every time I go see her, "The Lord is rarely early, but NEVER late." Amen sister! Now Lord grant me the strength to grow courage in my personalized path in you and to sit in the in-between. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing a River...

2011-04-27T16:07:00.004-05:00

If you ask anyone what one thing I do really well and do a lot, what do you think they would say? Crafts, cook, read, think? Probably, but most likely not. They would probably say that I cry A LOT. I often affectionately say when someone comments on the abundance of my tears that I cry for recreation. I am not sure where this trait of myself comes from. Don't get me wrong I write this out of my journey to inner self discovery and awareness not self-centeredness. Ever since I have left ministry, I have had more moments to myself to look at me alone and through two pairs of eyes; mine and God's. I no longer have to look at myself through the eyes of elders, partner, interns, parents, or students. Though these sets of eyes often still influence what I do I no longer let them tell me who I am.

In the last six months, I have spent a lot of time looking at myself through blurry and wet eyes. I have also spent time looking at myself through the forgiving and loving eyes that look upon me; those of the Lord. I have changed and matured quite a bit in the murky lessons of the last year or so, but I by my tears have never been stronger. Josh Graves once told me that there is something holy and cleansing about the shedding of tears. I just hope that in the last six months and six hours that each tear I let fall from my face will be honored by the other set of eyes that look upon me with influential weight.

I agree with the weight of truth in Josh's comment to me. Each time I cry I feel a bit of the human brokenness I carry lifted from me and replaced with a bit of joy in a laugh at my silliness and blessing. Tears have meant a lot to me in my lifetime. Most of them have been shared over hurts for myself and those around me, but others were through inexplicable joy and opportunity. One comes to mind immediately. This summer was absolutely exhausting. Fun, but exhausting. I was working my second 80 hour week in a row at Impact youth camps and just at an utter loss at how to be refreshed. During some free time in the afternoon, I happen to walk downstairs into the student center of Lipscomb and turn left with a fellow youth minister friend of mine. I stopped in my tracks immediately at a familiar and out of place face in the crowd of hundreds of teenagers. It was the face of a sweet friend from Harding, Michael Wright. He has been living in LA since 2009 and I had not seen him since my graduation. I gave him a surprised hello and then accompanied him on a short walk.

Half way through our walk he turned to me and asked if I had a few minutes and would be willing to walk a bit further with him. Umm...duh! Of course, I can take a walk with an old friend of mine I haven't seen in a few ages! We walked across campus, past my students playing frisbee, past my partner running around like a mad man, past my equally exhausted and busy interns, and around the corner from campus into a neighborhood. We talked the whole way and I willingly followed. Desperately hoping this was my refreshing moment for the weeks behind and the long ones ahead, he opened the door to an unsuspecting house on the street. I walked in and immediately knew that we were in no home, but a recording studio.

Michael is one of the most talented vocalists and songwriters I have ever had the pleasure in knowing. I went to all his shows in college not just out of friendship, but out of the blessings I would receive from the lyrics he would compose about the journey of faith he was on. I have been touched a lot spiritually by Michael's gifts and here I was standing in the building where his purpose was coming to pass. I met his producer and took a seat on a soft couch in a very quiet room. A type of quietness I have only experienced in the presence of the Spirit. He asked Cheyenne to play the track he had just finished the day before. The music swelled with piano, violin, guitar, and his honest lyrics about making life a liturgy to the Lord.

I cried. I cried ALL over myself. I was so tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of compromising, but mostly I was just physically and spiritually wasted. This was exactly what the Lord ordered for me that day. I became healed by the tears caused by that beautiful music. I remember looking at Michael the way I am sure the Lord looks at me through blurry and wet eyes and told him how proud he should be and how gifted God had made him. He was my singing hero that day. I don't know that he will ever read this or know what that song and that walk did for me on that day, but if he doesn't the Lord does. Thank you God for such a refreshing time to share tears with someone. I am learning to grow a river with the healing you offer us all. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!!

Growing into a Friend...

2011-04-19T18:21:00.004-05:00

Yes. I am still alive after running my race two weeks ago. It was a sweet time for my Daddy and I to spend even though he totally could have smoked me had his daughter not been huffing and puffing the whole way, but he stayed with me, talked, and reminded me to take my time. I did learn, however, that my body doesn't do well with water in it in the middle of racing. I stopped to take a water break in the 80 degree weather, but the last half I thought I was going to heave. NOT. GOOD. The best part was the last .10 mile. I was dying and tired. As soon as I turned the corner with Daddy by my side, I saw the finish line. All I could do was pick up my pace and begin to cry. That almost made me hyperventilate, but I just took off with Daddy at my heels. I tore out my earplugs and grabbed my Daddy's shoulder and bawled because I had done it. I had crossed the finish line doing something I never thought I could do and flushing out all the voices I had the last six months telling me I couldn't do what I knew I could. It was great! I came in 13 out of 22 in my age category. Pretty good for a new born.

Then this past weekend I got to go to Huntsville for my quarterly girls weekend with some close college friends of mine. It is always such a great blessing to spend time with these homies because they all still posses the encouraging and fun spirits that made me fall in love with them in college. We have all added and let go of different relationships since then. Tried different jobs and moved different locations, but we are all still drawn to the holy spirit lit in each of us. We catch up, cook and eat, read, and antique most of these famous weekends. It is a time that is hard to miss. I get so encouraged being with girls who honor their hearts and lives with the Lord above all else we are persevering at the time. I love the honesty and tough love that we give each other when we are together. I love the laughs that we share till the wee hours of the morning. They sure can make a girl grow into a great friend and person with such a supply.

People always find themselves shocked when they hear me say, "It sure is good to get away from Nashville for a bit." Weekends away for me are a reminder of where I am and where I want to go without the influence of Nashville's ambition around me. It is a breath of fresh air when I get to live in another world for a few days and to be absolutely 100% known by the friends surrounding me. Girls: You are the very face and heart of God to me and each other. This is something we will have to fight for more than once, but celebrate each day. Seeing your hometowns and the lives you have built pushes me to improve and appreciate my own that the Lord has blessed me with as well. It is also a blessing to see fruit to my prayers for each of you and where he has placed you at this time. I luves yous!!! I am growing into a friend daily and am thankful for the grace given to me by those in which I practice on. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*Picture compliments of Betsy Dell

Growing a Bit of Patience....

2011-04-05T18:00:00.002-05:00

I stand up, let out a big sigh, and walk over to my closet. I pull out my time travelers and my foot sleeping bags. I put both legs into some shorts and pull my most worn out shirt over my head. Then I secure my travelers to my feet and put my hand on the door knob. I head down the stairs and sigh one more time before I begin putting one foot in front of the other at snail speed. This has been my routine every other day for the last two months. This Saturday I am running my first race.

It isn't a major marathon, but it's no sprint either. I am running my very first 5k. Ever since, I moved back to Dothan two years ago I have wanted to accomplish this one thing. I knew I wanted to do it because I would secretly get jealous of the routine my dad had of getting out the door with his travelers on. I am in the de-constructing and redesigning part of my life trying the one thing I thought I would never do. Daddy is coming up on Friday to run it with me. This is to me is the most exciting part. I have fond memories of traveling to watch Daddy run his own races throughout my childhood. We would wait for what seemed like hours at the finish line to watch Daddy run across the line with a big smile on his face. This time I get to do it with him. Neva will be waiting on not just Daddy, but me too. I am super proud and excited for that moment.

Granted I am sure Daddy doesn't have to give himself several self-motivational speeches between the bed and the door, but I am doing it anyway. I always wonder and get discouraged seconds before I start running whether this is going to be a good run or a bad run, but then as I hit "play" on my iPod and take my first stride I remember that it all counts good or bad. This part has taken a great deal of patience on my part. I have to have patience with my body and my life. It is not all going to be good or bad. It will be both and it will all count in the end. By the time Saturday rolls around, I may never listen to some songs on my playlist ever again, I will never have the first race high, and I may not have a massive cheering crowd waiting for me. But I will be touched by the words I have been using in those lyrics to keep me moving, I will try again for something more, and I will have Neva waiting on me with Daddy by my side.

All this is worth growing a bit of patience. Well, I am growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Growing a Life....

2011-03-23T21:55:00.003-05:00

I am a HUGE fan of the game twenty questions. I could play it for hours and hours with anyone. The most informative question I ask is, "What are the top 10 things that make life worth living for you?" I always preface it to say that the answers in no way have to reflect values or obvious things. There are things that give us obvious life, but then there are things that make that obvious life worth living and worth telling about or at least giggling to yourself. A lot of my things are ones to giggle to myself about. Like the birthday that Jonathan, my intern and friend, bought me my own 8 pack of Sharpie pens, and all I could do was laugh and pull them out all day to show some unsuspecting stranger my bundle of joy. Or the time I teared up at the thought of not packing my Chacos to go to rafting. Then there was the one year I kept a sweater every couple of feet in my house for days in October hoping I might "get a chill".

God gives us a lot of hope when he allows us to wake each day, but boy is he something else when he gives us things to grant us joy and laughter on top of that hope each day. Do I think I would live without these top 10 things? Yes, but do I really have to? No. Today I didn't and tomorrow, for now, I won't either. Maybe one day I might, but I also hope and pray to change over the course of my years and when these things aren't accessible or reasonable anymore that I have grown to change my list.

In change, boy can it hurt and it always forgets to order a tall bottle of neosporine and case of band-aids, but without the change the things below would have no joy in them. They may have no need through the rest of their existence, but to me they have a purpose right here in my ordinary and mundane life.
My Top 10: (in no particular order)
1. Chacos
2. Clorox Wipes
3. Mornings with a Sweater
4. Pumpkin Lattes
5. Sharpies
6. Auburn Football
7. Laughing with the Giggleboxes
8. Airports
9. Photographs
10. Cooking with Friends

These are the things that bring life to my life. These are my peanut butter to my already very satisfying jelly. They are the chocolate to my ice cream. They are the blue in my expansive sky. I like them and hope to share them with others along the way. I also would like to hear others' 10 worth it items and add an 11th listing to be 11. Making those things happen for others. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

More Than 2 Money's...

2011-03-10T21:47:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I get asked what is the most scared you've ever been. My survival instincts don't record those moments in great detail. That is until my moment on Monday afternoon. I boarded my second train and fourth mode of transportation that day to get to my stepsister's house in Virginia. I was super excited because it has been over a year since I have been able to spend any significant time with them and I have yet to meet Julia Grace. I am sitting on the train and minding my own business when I double check my bag for my train ticket (a nervous habit of mine). This may have been the third check and so I finally decided to take them out of my bag to ease my nerves. **side note: You should have seen me on the way to the DR. I counted the tickets over 20 times.***

As I pull it out, I read the fine print on the ticket, "Insert this way to validate." What. Validate? I immediately begin to text those I trust to pray for me and not laugh at my bottled up panic. I could a get a serious fine for this and even be arrested. Three stops in and two to go. No conductor to check the tickets. Here she comes. What am I going to say. I go with the flushed, brim teared eyes, and the obvious explaination that I've never done this. She looks at me over the rim of her glasses and scolds me like a five year old who forgot to go to the bathroom. She disappears and never comes back before my stop. I was terrified so I darted out the train. Anyway, just thought i would share that beloved memory maker to say that I am in Virginia visiting with my stepsister, brother-in-law, nieces, and nephew.

It has been a blast. I wake up very early every morning and walk Sydney to the bus stop and mingle with their neighbors. Let me tell you that this neighborhood is like one you would dream up for a novel. It's beautiful, friendly, and full of heart. Then I spend the morning playing with Isaac. At least once a day, he carefully ponders several questions and asks me with all eagerness for an answer. "Why did you move away from Nana's? Me: "So I could work a job and try something new." Isaac:"I think she misses you and that it would make her happy for you to move back to her house." My brother-in-law has pointed out that he has an uncanny bond with me to be honest. He likes to admit to me at his four years of age that he chooses certain tracks on Mario Wii just to beat me. Or that my hair is crazy and he doesn't like it, but more often than not he just admits funn things that he thinks and we talk about them.

Sydney is so full of curiosity for learning. She soaks in every moment she has to learn something new and understand it. She talks about Julia going to heaven and wanting to teach her new things while she is still with us. Julia sleeps a lot, but she does it with flair. Making faces and capturing our attention is the thing she warms our hearts with. I love this part of my family. They add love and acceptance to my life where my insecurities mock me. My nephew told me today that if I moved here and made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies everyday that he would pay me two of his moneys and that if I went away I wouldn't get a thing. Of course, all this is worth way more than two moneys. It is worth so much that there is nothing you could give me to do anything for them. I love my nieces and nephews. All six of them and I will be a much more rich woman in the remainder of my days if I just continue to give much to their futures and take nothing for my own. They are our futures. The children in your life, whether family or not, are the world you will one day live in and be loved by. I give much and gain much that I could never count unless you wanted to limit it to six little humans. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The Things I Would Have Said...

2011-02-27T08:52:00.002-06:00

It is almost March and it has been about 4 months since being out of youth ministry. My life has changed quite a bit without the fish bowl of ministry in which to be stared at and swim circles in. I get more sleep, I think less about who I should be, and I get to think a lot about the future and the past at the same time. Most of youth ministry, for those of you that have never tried it, is in the moment. Phone calls and texts to hang out are minutes before the opportunity occurs, the crisis of the opposite sex happens and needs immediate attention, the funny moment that they want to share with you will only be funny for the next five minutes if they don't tell you that story RIGHT NOW. This doesn't leave a whole lot of room to think about the five minutes behind you and in front of you.

Youth ministers attempt to plan and some are very good at it and others don't know what planning really means and make it work. I was a planning youth minister. Which means I tried to think ahead and behind the best I could and keep it together without really knowing what was happening in the now. My planning skills were very much needed and I do not regret having that style, but now that I have stepped into the first pant leg of changing my outfit away from formal ministry I am getting to think with a clear head about the six months behind me and the six in front of me and two of the things I wish I would have said to my students.

Before I explain what I would have said I in no way believe that what I did teach or show them wasn't part of God's plan in some way. Though I might go back and change what I would have said does not discount what God actually meant in the real incidence. So what are the two things I would have said and driven home to my students? One, I would have dwelled in the text of my best friend, Luke's, second chapter. I struggle with this man, but I appreciate the spunk of the spirit in him. I would have told them this...Jesus had imperfect parents and turned out more than ok. I went to church last night at Fellowship Bible Church Nashville and this was one of the points made from this text.

In this part of his story, Jesus is a teenager and almost an adult by culture's standards and headed to his version of church camp. I imagine he is excited, singing all of his favorite chants, building altars at craft time, and cannonballing in the consecration pool while he is there. Towards the end of the story Mary and Joseph begin to walk back home and realize neither one of them are aware of where he is. No one has seen him and Mary begins to panic. They turn around and walk all the way back from where they started. Where is he? We find him hanging out with a safe crowd, but not his typical hanging buddies and quizzing them. Mary has her best mother moment and begins to fuss at Jesus that he made her panic.

Did she forget who her son was? Yes. She was driven by fear. Fear that he was hurt, alone, starving. She feared she would never see him again. She feared all the things my students' parents fear everyday. Jesus then responds to his parents by saying that they should have known he would be here...in HIS father's house. I would have told the story to my students. Jesus was misunderstood by his parents and did no wrong even by causing them to panic, but at the end of the story he LISTENS to them, OBEYS them, and we assume he returns home with them to grow in "wisdom and stature" with having no imperfection himself for 18 YEARS! Jesus was fully human and divine at the same time. He was perfect and his parents were not, but he listened and obeyed them with their imperfections anyway.

Mary struggled with the thing that all of my students' parents and I as an adult struggle with; fear. Fear makes us do crazy things. Sometimes it makes us do things as adults that we regret. We forget who our God is just like Mary forgot who her son was. Yet, even when Mary did something I am sure she regretted by fussing at Jesus he responded to her with respect and obedience. This is one of the things I should have said to my students. Fear sometimes mingles with love too much, but we are all learning how to let one out win the other as our students grow and learn. And even though this learning process causes us to be unfair, misunderstanding, and sometimes irrational we must be reminded to love our parents despite their shortcomings because Jesus, the perfect one, did and he turned out strong, wise, and loved.

What is the second thing I would have said? With a clear head this is what I would have said. Though I am clearly not a parent I am, however, a mentor, sister, and disciple that is too often driven by fear now and six months ago. I would have expressed in this class how I am driven by fear ALL the time in my ministry, my life, and my relationship with the Lord and I am learning just as parents are what it looks like to let love take over these areas. Maybe, I wouldn't have said all that out loud, but it sure would have changed a few things to accept my learning curve in my heart. I am thankful for these passages, but even more so I am thankful for God's grace and redemption for whatever I did or did not do or whatever I did or did not say God is already redeeming all things in memory. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Road Trip!!!

2011-02-21T21:07:00.002-06:00

Holy Toledo! I am going to visit the University of Alabama tomorrow! I somehow have managed to distract myself from the impending decision that awaits for me in about a month of where I am going school for the next year. I can't wait to be back in school again writing papers, reading books, and conducting well-rounded debates on today's latest ethical social issues. These are the things that got somebody I once knew out of bed for class. These are the things that have restored my relationship with that someone over the last few months to develop back into someone named me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will still be able to effectively state my passionate profound comments anymore. I wonder if I still feel the same about the issues that are up for debate. I wonder if I will even still feel about the whole social work world like I once did. I have to just trust my past in this case. I am going to visit Alabama's program tomorrow and I am a bit nervous. I know the stereotypes that walk that campus and I do not fit any of them. I will inevitably try because to fit into those stereotypes because is what I grew up in and it is what my insecurities instruct me to do when returning to my culture of origin.

It doesn't matter. None of those thoughts above matter. There is something bigger at work here with me going back to school and where exactly I decide to go. Until I get to see that bigger picture I am just going to go tomorrow and see an old friend, Chris, and maybe make a few new ones along the way. No doubt I will be different in many other ways as soon as I set foot into that Social Work building. I am sure the assumptions that are made in my Harding social work program of conservatism will be the present at the Alabama program with a liberal mask. I am sure that my opinion will be the most unpredictable and my reasons for my perspective even more unusual, but maybe that is all a part of the bigger picture that I don't feel a part of right now.

Who knows what the next two days hold for my upcoming four months, but whatever it is I am putting on my biggest sunglasses and coolest blazer to find out exactly what educational car I am buckling up in. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

My Life Raft Recipe

2011-02-10T20:11:00.003-06:00

Have you ever seen Eat, Pray, Love? You know the part where she submerges herself into an Italian vocab book? Her best friend casually says to her as they walk down the sidewalk..."I get it. It's your life raft right now." Heather or my five other best friends have never quite chosen those words, but I'm sure now that I have typed them they will be quoting them to me in no time about food.

Food is my life raft right now. I am finally through with some of my toughest choices in life yet and now, as my brother puts it, I must learn to live in light of those choices. The light not the darkness. So I find my light in food. Food does not keep me afloat as in over consumption. It keeps me afloat in knowing it from every angle. Researching, trying, writing, and learning about food is what keeps me in the light of living with my choices. I dream, talk,and yes even read about the neatness of food. I have read several books about food, I read blogs constantly in search of recreating some of the best recipes loved by some of the best people in the best of times. Deep dish pizza; Chicago with Heather, York peppermint patties; last day in the office with Jonathan; savory sauce; Audrey and the meal with her dad, Chicken Marsala; Daddy and Neva on my emergency trip home.

Food is my life raft right now because in this deeply stirring and recreating season all those bad memories and tough choices want to impose themselves on me. I want to shun them and relive in the beautiful and fun memories that come with the particular food I might be trying. I not only share that connection with food, but I also just love learning to use each part of every grocery item I buy. Trying new ways to preserve food and making it stretch. Or finding that one recipe that will make the picky eater put their fork in their mouth with their eyes closed. Mostly, I want to just put something together that can't fall apart as long as I do it just right.

It is the one thing that seems strong and reliable enough right now to be my life raft. Don't worry. God and I talk a lot about what I am learning about myself through the however odd gift he gave in the last year. We laugh and relive all the fun times he has so graciously guided me through and the cool people that he has led into my life. We hope together while I do the dishes and he reminds me as I rinse them that he forgives me and is making all things good for me and one of his own hopes is that I will see THAT one day. I ultimately hope that one day as he pulls my stained, tweaked, and overused recipe of life out of the book that he will generously use it to pass on to someone else in need of a life raft. Well, I'm just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Blizzard Week

2011-02-05T10:40:00.005-06:00

I woke up rather early this morning to the wind whipping around the outside of our apartment. It sounds very much like the winds Nathan and I are used to in the hurricanes that frequent our hometown in the fall. But, of course, what am I doing despite the "blizzard" that apparently is upon us? Blog hopping and recipe researching.

When you don't have cable, there is very little about the outside world that you are aware of and thanks to my blog obsession at this season in my life I have been thoroughly updated on what is coming our way. I want to do something crazy today regardless of the warnings because I have a bone to pick with this blizzard. My parents were supposed to come visit Nathan and I this weekend at the new aptmento and this blizzard is keeping them from that. You big bully! So I want to do something unusual today.

I do plan on making a homemade deep dish pizza. My best friend Heather is coming to visit in March and I wanted to make something native and sweet to her heart so I have begun researching pizza recipes. For the last four years, she has lived in Wheaton, IL and home to some of the world's best pizza. So I have found what I believe to be the best homemade version of Giordano's deep dish pizza. This will be my first time using actual yeast in anything so we will see how it goes and find out if it is a repeat for the month of March.

This week has been one of those weeks that goes up and down on the rector scale of life. I got some very exciting news from one corner of the world that I am not allowed to share just yet and had two rambunctious nights with some of my friends. Nathan and I had all of who I affectionately call my "married friends" over for dinner to thank them for all their help in moving us to the new aptmento and played the board game Quelf. It was a blast and half. Then on Thursday night we had dinner club at the Bennett's and played Just Dance 2 on the Wii. Again, blast and a half! Then there was counseling and facing some pretty deeply wounding issues, missing my best friend, Heather, to pieces and seemingly not having the same time schedule to talk to her, my parents not coming, and overall just kind of longing for my past lives as I wait in limbo for my future.

In all of this blessing and learning, I am realizing that regardless of how I feel on certain days and in certain moments God is still faithful and blessed. Regina and I had lunch this week (three cheers for BFFs reuniting)and one thing that we talked about was how God is blessing us and remaining faithful to us when great things happen in a pinch and when painful things happen in the safe. He is the same ALWAYS regardless of how I feel things are turning out. That random check in the mail around bill time and the expensive part in the car that has to come from savings has the same God existing around them both. I love him and choose him this day as I learn to wade through the blizzard that is upon us all of the thing called life. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Be a Movie Extra....Check!

2011-01-28T10:11:00.002-06:00

I know I never post pictures. Don't get me wrong...I would LOVE to post pictures, but I hate my current camera and just don't like taking a picture, plugging it in to my computer, organizing the photo, and then posting it on here. It is more steps than I have time or patience for right now. Soon though. My friend Regina is a photographer on the side and has yet to see my new place so maybe I can convince her to come and take pictures of it for all you out there who may never see it in person.

I will have a picture soon enough of yesterdays excursion for certain. This picture will be worth all the time and effort to get it on here. Tuesday night I got a text from my dear friend, Cynthia. First off, I met Cynthia while being a youth minister on staff at OC. She is a youth group mom that completely took me under her friend wing from the start and has been my adventure buddy ever since. I like the adventures I take with her because they are obtainable and always turn in to great stories. As we all know I struggle to be spontaneous anyway, but Cynthia's adventures are with the role of being a mom in mind and are often totally obtainable in my world. She often tells me how she wants to experience all that she can in life, but without being careless due to her love for her family. I can cash bank on that and often I do!

This text was definitely one of those adventures. The text said this, "Do you have plans on Thursday? Do you want to go be in an extra in a movie with me?" Of course I do! So Thursday morning I met Cynthia and my friend Julie from work and we traveled to downtown Nashville underneath a bridge to an abandoned Tire and Rubber Co. Factory. We knew that this movie was going to be a suspense thriller of sorts, but knew really nothing else beyond that. We stood around for about 2 hours after being asked to add worn out clothing and dirt to our outfits. We then got sent to makeup to have dirt applied to our face. Where it went from there is left for the minds eye, but we thought it an interesting experience and one we may not repeat. Our parts in this film for a film student's graduation project was interesting and just not up our alleys in category. Intense and a tad bit strange. I am not sure how actors do it, but kudos to them for being able to be in two different worlds at once.

I nonetheless can cross being a film extra off my list. I love trying new things with people who can teach me how to embrace an opportunity and become a more interesting person for it. That was certainly yesterday's experience. I don't know if the film will ever be watched by the public and be made "famous", but I guess we will wait and see. Embrace the unexpected wiser things that come along. Some may be those you walk away from laughing about and some you may want to tell everyone you come into contact with. Regardless, take up the opportunity it will give you great pictures. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The New Aptmento!!

2011-01-23T18:39:00.002-06:00

That's what I am going to start calling my brother, Nathan and I's new pad. The aptmento. Nathan and I looked countless hours crammed in just a few days to try and find a place for me and him to share for the next six months. Aptmento is quaint and our community is packed full of charm. We have a neighbor across the hall that wears a paperboy hat everyday as he frequently takes trips to Lowes. Our neighbor downstairs is a war veteran and in a wheel chair, but talks with tons of spunk. Our aptmento's personal consultant is across the parking lot in the clubhouse/workout area. We love it so far.

So far Nathan and I have only had two disagreements...who gets the bigger bedroom and are we really going to go without internet and cable? Obviously, we didn't have to fight the no internet very hard b/c we secretly get the internet from the main clubhouse, but the bedroom that was an interesting one. We both just realized that I was a bit too excited with my new found space that I have been lacking the last few months at the old house and he was feeling just a bit too overwhelmed with moving everything at once.

This is going to be an interesting journey for the both of us. We have not lived in the same house for close to ten years. I was still in middle school when he moved to Auburn and haven't really lived life side by side as grown adults since. I am excited to relearn my brother and sometimes I think I catch small glimpses of him feeling the same way. Being a dude he is a bit hard to read sometimes. It is certainly different having a boy roommate. For instance, as I type in the living room, I can hear his drill going with rock music in his room. He eats his breakfast standing near the sink and I sit on the couch with a book. He fiddles with his books about zombies while I fiddle with all my picture frames holding snapshots of our nieces and nephews. Dude roommates are different, but they add fun and variety to life.

The aptmento has some theme to it, but has become quite the eclectic abode which of course I love and he deals with. He is contemporary and I am vintage chic. It works and will continue to throw its charm toward me, friends, and family over the next 6 months I am sure. It is going to be quite the journey! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Snow Days

2011-01-10T11:27:00.003-06:00

It's snowing outside. I can't even see the street. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! One thing I have noticed about snow is that it not only brings its looks, but its personality too. It is always so quiet outside when it snows. It's as if it commands reverence from our normal everyday activities. One of my friends just called and asked as if I was being a snow bunny and my reply was absolutely. Of course, I meant the breed of snow bunny from south Alabama. I learned the hard way last year that I do not own the proper clothing to REALLY play in the snow.

Last year, I got out in two pairs of tights and a tight pair of jeans with my lined boots and ski jacket. Of course I got soaked immediately when I started out in my snow bunny activities making a snow angel. I had to go inside and take a shower to warm up. Today, I just enjoy watching it and thinking what a beautiful creative God I am trying to get to know.

It is days like today that remind me of the little joys that can come from HAVING to stay inside. I have cooked up a storm in the last two days and gotten a good deal of my crafts accomplished. I made the most wonderful lentil soup from www.goodlifeeats.com with the best smoked sausage in the whole world made in my hometown of Dothan. I was feeling a little homesick and knowing that the snow was going to keep me trapped for a couple of days so I decided to make it. This sausage is my family's absolute favorite food item in the world. When one of my sisters went to visit the other one in Virginia, she took 4lbs of the stuff to cook over the Christmas holidays. My nieces and nephews eat it with both hands and hurridly ask for more while chewing on their last serving. It is wonderful and so reason #1 this soup was great.

I love cooking! I know that I have mentioned this several times and even have a whole other blog with Emily Rhyne about it, but it just brings me satisfaction to know that it is going to come out just the way it should. No unexpected outcomes unless you didn't follow instructions which sometimes happens to the best of us. I needed a day like today to have everything turn out just as it should. Warm, comforting, and full. So those of you back home that are still sleeping in from having things cancel and close because of the "wintry mix" you are getting today...eat your heart out b/c I have four inches of the real stuff just outside my window. But nonetheless, cook something and marvel in it that all things just turned out as it should be. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Hit the Road 2010!

2011-01-01T20:36:00.003-06:00

Welcome 2011! I pray and beg that you bring hope stashed in your bags along with a little joy, excitement, and of course the unexpected. I hope to breathe with fresh air, but also fresh lungs. I hope to glimpse the heart of your Maker this year in the plans he has been so wildly been crafting with you. This has been a hard year 2010, but one I will never forget because I lived through it.There are a few things in this tough last year that I would like to tip my New Years hat to and I will give you those kudos.

Top 5 Coolest Experiences:
5. Sondre Lerche Concert with Rae
4. Bennett Dinner Club
3. My second tattoo
2. Visiting Michael Wright's music studio
1. Dominican Republic with my OC students

Top 3 Movies:
3. Harry Potter 7.5
2. Everybody's Fine
1. Eat, Pray, Love

Top Books:
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
The Art of Eating In by Cathy Erway
Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl
The Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney
Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott
It Seemed Important at the Time by Gloria Vanderbilt

Top Eats:
Frito Pies in Smyrna, TN
Mac and Cheese at the Firefly
Boom Boom sauce at Chuy's
Southwestern Quiche at Puffy Muffin
Refried Beans at SATCO
Beans and Rice in DR
Lasagna at the Belcher House

Cool People I Met:
Jonathan Woods
Andy Pickle
Amy Surdacki
Abby Jackson
Heather Nelson

Top Songs: (no particular)
Christmas Lights-Coldplay
You and Me-Rosie Thomas
Gone, Gone, Gone-Newton Faulkner
Ooh Aahh-Grits
All I Can See-Brendan James
Communion Hymn-Michael Wright
Same Changes-The Weepies
Voices-The Wailing Jennys
Funny the Way it Is- DMB
King of Anything-Sara Barrilles
See the World-Gomez

Top 10 Adventures of the unusual kind:
Flying to Wheaton to see Heather graduate
Driving to St. Louis with Cody King and Jenna Lupo
Hilton Head Vacay
The Renewal capture
Ocoee with OC students and Jonathan Woods
Youth Minister musical chairs at Impact
Conquering fears of church camp
Being in a documentary trailer
Meeting Sondre Lerche
Diary of a Wimpy Kid signing
Moving on from OC

So not all was lost I suppose, but this next year needs a heart lift and I hope you are feeling creative 2011 because I am in to getting to know the creator. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Craft Land...

2010-12-16T18:13:00.002-06:00

I am just getting worse and worse at posting these days. I have been spending most of my time doing crafts and giving them away to people who I know will offer a smile at receiving them. I have done earrings, wreaths, mantel decorations, collegate sweatpants, ornaments, and magazine trees. I have a long list of things that I want to try so I guess I better tighten up the budget and find people needing a smile.

I love crafts! I always have and remember doing them as a child with my mom. The more I relearn about her the more I realize where I get all the things I enjoy. My mom used to be super crafty, but especially around the holidays. I still have a necklace she made for herself out of clothes pins. She turned the clothes pins into rudolph the red nose reindeers and gave them a home around her neck.

The one story that someone has shared with me that I think most defines the kick I get out of crafting and surprises happened the week of Christmas during the year she was sick. I was in the fourth grade. She had arranged for all the kids at our church from Kindergarten to the fifth grade to go caroling to our congergation's shut-ins. She began feeling really weak the night before so she rallied up some parents and had them take us instead. Right before about 20 of us left my mom slipped one of the mothers some money to take us to TCBY to get each of us one scoop of ice cream. When we arrived at the TCBY, there were bags of candy and fortunes waiting for each of us with our names on them.

We all began asking who they were from and all the store owners would tell us is that Santa dropped them off for us after he heard what we had done by caroling. In each personalized bag, there was a personal fortune that wished each of us future achievements of the past year and encouraged us to dream of what we would later actually receive for Christmas. The real story behind those fortunes is that my mother had called each parent of the children going and asked them one thing that the child had accomplished that year and one thing that they would receive from their Christmas list in the next few days. She then left our drop off location and gave these bags to the store owners to give to us.

For example, my childhood friend, Troy, had hit his first homerun in basball that year and was getting a puppy for Christmas. So on his fortune it said that Santa congratulated him on his homeruns that year and that he wished him puppy kisses this Christmas. I was reminded that Troy was so flabergasted that Santa knew about his homerun and a few days later remembered Santa's wish of sweet affection from the puppy that was now under his tree. My mom did that for each child that went that night. She did one of the things that she was best at even in the midst of her illness. She brought joy with her creativity and heart.

I hope to be like her someday and think of similar surprises to give the people around me. She is remembered for a number of things like that and I hope to leave the same sweet memories in people's minds, but especially around the holidays. I miss her tremendously especially now that I work at a craft store. I check people out and sometimes it gets really hard on the weekends when girls my age come through the line with their mothers laughing and talking about the projects they are going to work on together. I often wonder what kinds of things my mom and I would have built together in my adulthood, but I am just simply blessed to have an ounce of her creativity in my blood. I hope to make her proud this year by giving all homemade gifts to my friends and family. So if you get one...enjoy it and know it was done in love!

Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Letting Go

2010-11-29T22:08:00.002-06:00

I guess it's been a while since I last posted. Sometimes I think that this blog is just for my sanity rather than everyone elses entertainment. Does anyone actually read my grasp onto reality up here? Anyway, Thanksgiving was great. I worked a lot at a transition job around it, but I am sad to see it go.

I have recently have been faced with a lot to let go of and kiss goodbye. I don't really want to do it and therefore I am faced with a lot of grief most days. I still wake up and have a good cup of starbucks coffee, but by the end of the day I continue to count my blessings and my losses.

It is hard to let go of things. Things you thought were so sure and other things that weren't so sure, but maybe sparked a tiny bit of hope into being something great. That is where I am. I don't find myself in the transition of being out of the comfort of college. I find myself in the dissmal abyss of finding what it is I am meant to be.

I have been hit hard the last couple of months with realities that certain people won't be joining me on this journey and that other things aren't even on the path. These things are hard to accept and wave goodbye to as I saunder down a completely different trail. I stand at a fork of letting go and holding on or maybe a little of both.

I realize that I will be fine, life moves on, and oh my personal favorite welcome to life, but honestly I just need some time and a little good news before I can face the new blindness ahead. If you journey back to my posts a year ago, I was in a similar debaucle, but now I am little bit shy on the next leg of the journey. It will all become a part of me one day so that I can just add it to my backpack, but until then I am just standing here and admiring the beauty God has given me to look back on. He is so good even when life isn't. For that, I love him because he offers everything I can't see. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Win, Win, Win Auburn Tigers!

2010-11-16T14:50:00.003-06:00

I don't know what it is about Auburn games. I have been a lifetime fan and squeal everytime I am able to purchase something in my team's color palatte. I don't know what it is about them that makes me tear up. I feel like such an emotional moron when I go to Auburn games or watch clips of the entrance of the team on YouTube or College Gameday as I tear up and reach to wipe this wet stuff off my face.

I think part of it has to do with the way it makes me feel about home. Since I was 18 I have spent the majority of my time away from where I grew up in other states and cities. It becomes a proud moment for me that far away to proclaim that I grew up in Alabama and have known this part of our culture for a long time. It becomes a small inkling of the way I feel when I am sitting at home on the couch and watching football with my parents, brothers, and sisters. It reminds me of the moments that I felt a part of something bigger than myself. Though it may seem silly to all you non-football watchers, but for me it is a chance to feel connected to a community of 30,000 people all wanting one thing to occur. An Auburn victory!

I contemplated on going to the Auburn/Georgia game this past weekend, but decided against it because the bro-han was working and I literally have no money. So I tortured myself and watched a video of the stadium cheering when they saw our #2 Cam take the field after wondering whether he would be allowed to play this week and of course I teared up wishing I had been there to be a part.

I LOVE Auburn football. It IS great to be an Auburn tiger because for me it is a large touch of home. WAR EAGLE!!! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Memories of the Mental Health Expert

2010-10-31T22:14:00.003-05:00

This post is dedicated to my bro-han. He really is the coolest of the cool in the land of brothers. I was thinking about our mental health weekend almost a year ago. We went to an Auburn game on Saturday night and then drove to Atlanta for my first Braves game ever. It rained both days and had one win and one loss. An upswing to the day of the loss, was a discovery of $1.00 sushi rolls in Atlanta that were totally worth every penny.

A lot of my awesome stories that are worth sharing from my childhood circulate around this guy because he is very good at creating story for himself and inviting me along. On my 21st birthday, he asked me to take off work, dress nice, and to meet him at his house almost 2 hours away. I decided I had no other plans for that day so I did. When I arrived, we climbed in the car and he handed me an envelope. The envelope was filled with gift cards to all my favorite places like Starbucks, Target, and Itunes. Underneath the gift cards, were tickets to my first Off-Broadway show, Sweeny Todd. It was perfect! I loved the show. It was so well put on and I got to buy a new dress for the whole thing. On top of that, I got to choose a restaurant not far from the Fox theater with authentic italian food, my favorite!

We have shared many story filled moments that were not so fun, but are still worth sharing. Have I ever mentioned he pulled out one of my loose teeth with his fist? Not one of our more charming moments as brother and sister. I was annoying as all get out and he had a momentary lapse in giving me what I probably deserved in that 30 secs. Regardless, of all that Nathan is one of the most talented and well rounded people I know. He is one of the few people in my life that can play soccer, build a deck, and read a science fiction book like those individual things are the only thing he does with his spare time. I am convinced that he some how stole the only spontaneous bone available in our mother's womb four years before my arrival. I am terrible at moving with the wind and he is an expert at it.

I love my brother. He is very caring and honest with me. It took quite a few years to see those and other things in each other as siblings and friends, but I believe that it is part of growing up. You not only have to learn to be friends with your parents, but also with your older siblings. The main things that my brother and I share are as follows:
1. Auburn football; I have numerous pictures of Nathan and I at the games, outside the games, or watching the games together. He has lived there for nine years and it is still THE favorite place for me to visit.

2.Lord of the Rings; This one is a compromise. He loves the books and I love the movies. In reality, there are probably only a few accurate things that we can talk about on this subject, but they are totally worth it.

3.Cooking; curiously enough we both love to play in the kitchen and buy all the cool gadgets, but have never actually cooked a meal together.

4.Theater; Though his resume of theater experiences stomps mine, we still share it in his experience and my dreams of it.

5.Barnes and Noble; Any city, any time, any reason we could wander around in there for hours. Recently, Nathan came to visit me and just keep me company so we went to B&N to wander. We sat on the floor together in the isle and looked through craft and woodworking books together just ooohing and ahhing.

6.Nieces and Nephews; we love our 5 nieces and nephews. We both think that they are the cat's pajamas and no one else can make us laugh harder regardless of where life is.

7. James and the Giant Peach; I have not been able to read this book in a long time, but when we were in grade school Nathan got to ride the bus long before I did and I thought it was super cool. So I would wake up at dawn just to go wait on the bus with him. While we waited early in the morning, mom would read us this book in the car.

8.Niffers chips; Only our most favorite snacker of all time in Auburn of course!

9.Nose piercing; I know this is a weird one and no he doesn't have one, but when I got mine a few years ago he was the first one to think it was the coolest thing I had ever done.

10.Hugs; He gives the best ones around. I love getting to hug my brother because he never wastes a hug. Like I am with my laugh he is with hugs and I welcome them!

I love you Nathan! You have been wonderful lately, but really my whole life. Oh and WAR EAGLE!!
Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The Hooded Philosopher

2010-10-29T19:33:00.003-05:00

Recently, I have just taken a step on a journey out of youth ministry. I haven't written much about it just because I don't really want to unload here all the inner gizzards of how it has been for me, but it is a part of my journey in growth and adulthood. If you could only see me right now, you would probably pop a bowl of popcorn and sit down as if to watch a life comedy. I am laying in my bed adorning my favorite Auburn sweats, hood up on my Washington hoodie, and $3.47 worth of mascara running down my face as I nurse a headache from backed up tear ducts. I spend my spare mental and activity time researching and dreaming of crafts that I want to do something with and recipes that I haven't tried and probably will never actually eat in real life.

It has been a weird week. This is my first local week to not be working in the office and it is certainly strange not seeing those I love pass by my doorless and roofless office. I miss it a great deal and wonder some of the last few days what could possibly be next that is different or better from the last. Those days or evenings in this case are hard to face with full heart and courage. Don't get me wrong. I LOVED youth ministry. Every late night, every tear, every laugh, and every stressful sigh. I loved it all, but this phase of life is just awkward. Most people say that it is exciting and freeing. Could those of you that think that come hang out at my house and tell me why again?

We are never told as young sprouts at university that what we decide to do with our lives affects so many people even though you aren't married and have not had a situation of immaculate conception. My decision to ask the questions that this culture has laid out specifically for 20 somethings does not just affect me. Well, really these questions I ask I get to ask and answer all by myself, but the moment I go to act on them or explore them it incorporates other people that I didn't account for in the original questionnaire. Freedom is no fun when you have no one to share it with. I am not alone by any means, but my day to day basis of human contact has lessened quite a bit lately and the extra time makes me think of everything that is actually going on. I know it will go up from here, but right now it just feels like bowls of ice cream and solitary walks are going to be the only spoonful of medicine for a little bit longer. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Humanity

2010-10-14T15:10:00.003-05:00

I love a good quote. I mean the ones that make you stop and ponder for about 15 secs to understand what it means. Quotes are an artsy verbal puzzle for the mind and I LOVE them. The other thing I love? Laughing. No one enjoys laughing more than me. I cherish every kind of laugh between a chuckle and a belly grasping episode. I gave up the manners of laughing around the age of 10. I quit looking around to see who heard me laugh obsenly loud at that comment or joke. I have ceased bottling the joy of a laugh just because those around me might be too stuffy to let it be contagious. I just find the expression way too valuable.

My best friend of four years, Betsy, still shushs me when we go out to eat because she doesn't want others to hear me and I always give her a loving smile and remind her how much I don't care and that they shouldn't either. Get out of your skin a little people! Let a stranger's giddyness crack you up every now and then. When was the last time that you laughed until you couldn't breathe or until you had a strange water droplet be emitted from the corner of your eye? I wanted to share a quote with you that perfectly discusses the gift of a laugh.

"Laughter and tears are a good indicator of being human. Crocodiles look as though they're crying, but they're not sad. You can program a computer to say something funny, but it will never get the joke."
~N.T. Wright author of Simply Christian

Laughter is a great dose of an alternate reality sometimes. Laughter can also be a great reminder of the truth that lies in a life with the Lord. For me, it alternates violently. For those of you that may not know, I am beginning a new journey away from my job as youth minister. I am not sure what to expect on this journey or really what is next, but I am trusting the Lord along the way. I will be straight with you guys in that this week has been as difficult as I could have predicted. It is tough being in the office and being keenly aware of the final interactions I am having. It proves my humanity by way of crying on a daily basis when I exit the office, but there have been other gifts given this week that I have been able to enjoy. I have shared a lot of laughs in this office and in this job. This week has been full of laughter as people around me have allowed me to unfold sweet memories in a very packed year.

I have shared a few meals this week with people I have come to really care about and it is around those meals that I have been able to laugh a lot. It is a real gift to not only be able to laugh, but to laugh with those you share a lot of love and memories with. I have a couple of very special meals left to share and one in particular to share with some people who have been able to make me laugh the most. In fact, they are so good at it that sometimes they like to team up on me and keep jokes going absurdly long just to make me lose control.

The memories I will look back on in the last year are mostly going to be the ones that I was able to share laughter. The funny comments teens would make in class or the stories that we shared at Impact or camp. Who can forget the funny songs that we sing at camp that I can never finish because of how hilarious we all look? I can't wait to laugh at those unfolded memories after shedding yet another set of tears over accepting God's confusing plan. But as I have also learned that laughter is earned in many ways by knowing when laughs are needed.

Now, go YouTube the Mary Poppin's song "I Love to Laugh". It is a guaranteed laugh for the afternoon, but whatever or whomever gets you chuckling, do yourself a favor and do it or talk to that person. It will be totally worth it I promise! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*photo compliments of Jenna Anthony

A Pinch of Friendship and a Dash of Happiness

2010-10-07T12:45:00.002-05:00

I am so excited to announce that I am exploring new grounds in the blog arena. My friend Emily (pictured above) and I have started a dinner club on Thursday nights. With suggestion of our patrons we started a blog together to document our experience and experiments. Emily and I pull together recipes that we love and want to try and cook them for a family that we both know and love. We invite guests that we each care about and may or may not all know and invite them to partake in food and friendship around the Bennett family table. We then have each person present rate the various dishes in a scale from 1-10 to see if they are redos for the Bennett family themselves and for our redo night we will have once a semester. We have yet to accumulate enough recipes for that yet, but it won't take long.

It has been a blast so far. We are having our third installment tonight and I can hardly wait. I have invited my two dear dudes, Jonathan and Andy, as my guests and Emily has invited two of her dear sweet friends from dance. Our menu is a bit unconventional, but I think it will please our diverse crowd. Some are picky, some are vegetarians, and a couple are up for anything with our names on it.

I have enjoyed this new event a great deal. It has become something I most look forward to each week. No matter the stress or joy it is all taken out on food and produces the hope of something extremely satisfying. Not to mention watching the office after dinner. If you have any suggestions for recipes, let me and em know on our new blog, jennandemdinnerclub@blogspot.com. We will also post pictures and possible recipes of our own along the way. Did I mention that as we get to know our recipe palate that we are getting to know each other as well? That is another very unpredictable and exciting part of this too. Emily and I are getting to know one another around a kitchen island each week as we cook. We met through a mutual friend at a movie that teaches the art and wisdom that can be wrapped up in food. Concidental, eh? I will be sure to post pictures of our guests and food sometime in the next week. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

It's Time...

2010-09-23T12:40:00.002-05:00

It's time for a lot of things right now. It's time for me to write another post. It's time for me to begin writing letters to long distance friends. It's about that time for pledging at Harding to start. It's is totally time, dare I say, for me to buy a new car. It's time for the weather to start changing along with the leaves. It's time for me to be adjusted to Nashville and my job. It's literally time for me to be working on next week's class.It's time for me to embrace the now, but alas I can't seem to stope either looking back at what was or looking ahead at what should be.

Sometimes I think I just need a dog to ground me in the now. My daddy often comments on how our pup, Holly, is a reminder of staying in the now. Early in the morning, the only thing that matters to her is whether Daddy or I (on special occassions) come and wake her up and sit with her while drinking our coffee. Why can't I think of my life like that? Only looking forward to and basking in the fact that the Lord woke me up this morning and I want him to sit with me as I drink my cup of coffee.

In exloring the now, I have become really grateful for things like libraries, cupcakes, kitchens, organizational magazines, sweet spur of the moment friends, nursing, and car trips. These among many other things have taught me how to set aside the planned and go with the unplanned. The majority of my friends in Nashville are nurses or soon to be nurses. I have found that it is the only profession with professionals who's hectic schedules match mine. Since my free time is random and against the 9-5 culture, I get to spend time with my nursing friends because they are in the same boat. Their lives are the now because in the "just a minutes" or the "one times" they are all full of stuff.

I am grateful and frustrated with the current state of my precious car that I love. She is also teaching me the now concept. I am grateful because I am learning true community and care. I have people who are willing to leave work and come get me, hear and sympathize with my car ordeal, and I have friends who grieve with me at the slow passing of my sweet car. I am grateful for the memories she has given me, but here's the frustration: I just can't keep putting money into you without return. I know that doesn't sound full of compassion for all she has given me, but I just can't afford it anymore. I need to start focusing on putting money into my body (wisdom teeth removal) and not the car. She is not the only one getting older around here.

She has been one of the bigger things that has kept me in the now. I have spent a lot of time in her focusing on the now and dealing with the state of now for me. Crying, laughing, and talking to God about my nows. But as my roommate just texted me, it is time for a funeral or a revival to someone else. It's the bug's choice. Anyhow, I need to start appreciating my now and give up my binoculars that draw my heart away from the present into what has not occurred.I need to start living and savoring those long dinners with my friends because as my friend Sarah Frasier posted the other day on her blog, "In the last few months of goodbye’s, I have come to realize that my worth lies in my relationships, not in my productivity or righteousness as I previously thought." How true! Focus realigned. Thanks Sarah! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

What is my word?

2010-08-21T22:41:00.003-05:00

So I confess the title of this blogpost is not a Jenn original. I just got back from watching Eat, Pray, Love and fell in love with the wisdom and truth of adventure that bled from the screen. My head is swimming and my heart is searching. Can I just take a minute to say how much I LOVE movies? I never learned to appreciate movies until I met my best friend Rae. When we were in college, she taught me ever so gently and consistently how a movie can speak a person's life in an objective way. I struggled to believe her until we began investing a lot of time into movies that we felt like came out of our own worlds. A lot of movies have borrowed from my life. So if you like movies like You've Got Mail, Family Stone, or Everybody's Fine then you can thank me for them because there are things in those movies that help explain parts of who I am to those around me or really maybe just myself.

Movies can teach you things that you are otherwise too stubborn to learn or realize first hand and they can also help you accept the hard things that you have chosen to ignore. Movies can teach you creative and spirit-filled habits and perspectives that make all the previous results bearable. They can bring your heart to celebration and laughter when nothing else seems worth expressing. I LOVE movies!! So resulted my love for Eat, Pray, Love tonight. Liz travels to three spots across the world to find herself, forgive herself, and finally love herself. She finds that in finding yourself you end up finding everyone because they are the people that make you yourself. She says toward the end of the movie that we should accept every being in our lives to be a teacher of some sort.

I love the wisdom in that! I wrestle to accept it because that doesn't just include the people I like and exclude those that I find annoying, hurtful, or plain. It encompasses all people on my island of life yesterday, today, and tomorrow. One of the things that the characters in Eat, Pray, Love talk about is using words to describe who you are. The character, Liz, begins to use words that describe some of her roles and then struggles to find the one that describes her without those things. My initial reaction to that question would be similar right now. Minster, friend, roommate, sister, and daughter, but those things are not who I am when all things are set aside. So what is my word? My one word. Not several. Not even a few. Sometimes it might be broken, lion, young, or stubborn. Today I would say that my word is .....well I just don't know. This movie has got me thinking for sure. I hope to have an answer someday when I have more of this side of life under my belt. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Dominican Republic

2010-08-11T14:11:00.008-05:00

I realize that I haven't written much about my trip to the Dominican Republic this summer, but I have just been able to take a breath of fresh air and exhale a bit. I now have time to think about all the things that I got to do and that God did this summer. I wanted to start by debriefing on the Dominican Republic. It was an unbelievable trip. It was not just the beaches, the food, the quaint hotel we fell in love with, it wasn't even the kids.

I had seen it all before. Please don't take this as a downplay of the poverty and anguish that resides in this ironically beautiful country. I had been to a third world before. This was nothing new, but for my students and most of my chaperones it was new territory for their eyes and hearts. We traveled down there to meet up with TJ, our singles/young married, minister who was once a full-time missionary there. We then set up a three day VBS with some children in the area. The children were chosen before hand so that we could truly develop relationship with the children instead of serving and losing the faces of each child.

The best part of the whole trip was watching my students remain confused as to who Jesus truly was. They had traveled all this way to be Jesus to these children, but they ended up being served and taught much more than what they had to offer. I loved watching them become aware of their own gifts for language, engagement, and just plain caring. It was tremendous to see them want to give more and not have anything left to dip into in their pockets or their bags, but have endless room to dip from in their filling hearts. I loved it and would die to do it again. I have been a part of mission teams before, but I loved being an observer and a leader. I learned far more than I would have being otherwise.

Jesus certainly revealed his prescence to us and taught us a lot about what he truly looks like. For the portrait of Christ I received by watching my teens serve the Lord and be served by the Lord, I would give anything to portray to you as a reader, but it would be an understatement. I would just challenge you to ask them when you come around and I promise you will not be disappointed. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope you catch you on the next mile!

Just Letting it Happen

2010-08-05T16:40:00.004-05:00

Just letting things happen is definitely NOT my forte. Some would say since the occurrance and nature of my moving to Nashville thatis something that I could be good at, but I am certain that if you asked around you would find that your assumptions might be a distant past. Ask my partner in ministry, ask my interns, ask my best friends, and definitely ask my Dad. These are the ones that see me in the dirt the most fighting my tendancy to guide every outcome of what I do. Especially my Daddy. He gets phone calls all the time from me in a fluster of tears, anger, and somtimes just absolute appaull.

He always gently reminds his one daughter with her head in the clouds of expectation that it will all work itself out. My response is always I know, but what if this and what if that? He then lays his firm Daddy voice down and says to just relax and watch how it will happen. My partner in ministry also reminds me of this same virtue, but sprinkling it with humor. I often don't find it funny to be frustrated, but I know that when he is laughing that it means I am about to learn a very valuable lesson about what I do for a living.

You can't plan people, you can't plan weather, you can't plan life in general.This has been my greatest struggle since my birth into the new world a year ago. Nothing that has happened is what I planned. I have loved every adventure and lesson that I have learned, but couldn't it be written for me a bit clearly like a prescription or a living manual? I know with a whole heart that if I tried to control the outcome of Christ's prescence in my life that I would be lacking a great deal of storyline in my movie of a life.

This week has been one of those weeks that is unpredictable and unpreventable. I have been planning a trip for my teens and it just utterly has not gone the way I had hoped thus far. By nature, this trip is laid back once we get there, but leading up to it takes A LOT of work and A LOT of planning. I was looking forward to it because that is what I do best, but what I have been slapped in the face with by the nature of life is that I can't even do that sometimes.

My intern took some of our older guys today early in order to set up camp for us tomorrow night. It is a three hour drive and they left close to ten oclock this morning. I just got a text saying that they still aren't there yet because of traffic which makes this their sixth hour on the road. I wanted to call the campsite before they closed to persuade them to stay open. I wanted to find them an alternate route to avoid the wreck. I even thought what about them going and spending the night here and then going tomorrow. I finally gave up to the Daddy, David, and Doug voice in my head and thought let them have an adventure and you just let it happen.

I truly believe sometimes that I prevent myself from having many many adventures just because I can't let it happen. Doug, one of my co-workers, has gently reminded me this week to just let it happen. I know the end and I have created a successful beginning so just let the middle happen alone. Leave it alone. I am still cringing to think that there is nothing I should do about this, but I also know that they will have a great story to tell and never know to thank me for it. I am learning so much about the power of failure and glitches on storytelling. I can't wait to be more like David in that way. BUT baby steps people! So for now, I am going to finish this post, turn off my computer, and go home to dream of all the stories they will have for me when I get there tomorrow. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!
*picture kudos to Doug for taking it and Grace for prettying it...

My Third Place

2010-07-15T11:33:00.005-05:00

Ok,Ok, for those of you that actually look at my blog, I owe an apology. For those of you that are my non-existent readers that I make up in my head to continue the want to write, go easy on the quality of this post because it has been a while. Since our summer kick-off, I have had a week of Nashville Workcamp, 9 days of Jr. and Sr. Impact, and 9 days of Jr. and Sr. Otter Creek Camp. Approaching this Friday is my trip with my 10th and 11th graders to the Dominican Republic for a mission trip.

I have loved every second spent with my students so far this summer. There is just something truly sweet and special about the season of summer. Students not having school, the weather wrangling everyone outside by water, and the need to travel all over is infectious. I have also enjoyed spending time with our interns and watching them grow in their relationships with our students. They are great at what they do.

I am approaching my second year out of college and it just seems like an April Fools joke. All those REALLY important papers that I wrote are becoming less and less like a necessary memory and all those late night crying sessions seem like sessions spent crying over spilt milk. Life is beginning to make seperations for me. I do still miss the classroom a great deal like any self-respecting nerd, but with all I have tried this summer and last year I start thinking that if I were back in the classroom I would miss the rhythm of actual life like any self-respecting and self-discovering wanderer.

In a thousand and one ways, I am still in the classroom to be unoriginal and poetic with my thought. I have learned a ton about myself and what it is like to have a full time job. I have learned my limits as a person, but I have also learned my deep waters. I have learned that the library, which was once my disdain, is now my third place. You know what I am talking about. Everyone must have a third place thanks to the theories of You've Got Mail. There's work, home, and that third place (ie. Starbucks, Waffle House, a park, or the library).

I have had the chance to hull myself up in this marble floor mansion and read about all the people that have made our society what it is. I have made time and joy out of walking through the kitchen with Julia Childs, looking through a camera lense with Aaron Spelling, flying on a plane with the three Lost Boys, or tasting food with Ruth Reichel.

My third place is not only a building, but a transport to all the places I dream of during the week when I have to be behind a computer communicating with about 300 people. I have loved learning through the pages of a book and not the lecture of a stranger or the wounds of my own mistakes. Though I have learned significant lessons from both of these methods and have a grateful category for both of them, I have loved the search and success of finding my third place. I have an open question for everyone peeking at my blog as a return faithful or as a curious onlooker. What is your third place? What do you learn there? What is it that takes you there?

Well, ironically enough I need to wrap this update up because I need to go to the library and return some books I finished earlier than expected. I hope to take you all to my third, fourth, and fifth places of rest and adventure some day. Till then escape to your third place today, close your eyes, sigh, and wander a bit! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Collision

2010-06-01T21:23:00.005-05:00

Some exciting stuff has started happening here at the old Creek. OCYG had their summer kick-off this past Sunday night. It was full of "big top" acts and spirits. It was a great excuse to dress up in childhood dream costumes and create a sparkle in some teenagers eyes as we unveiled the summer calendars and t-shirts adorned with pictures of their stunning interns. Sounds like a teenage dream doesn't it?

In some ways, Sunday was a teenage dream for me, but also found itself with an interesting collision of those teenage dreams and adult realities. Of course, I am a great sentimentalist at heart. I love to dream backwards and have those dreams replay in my head and heart scene for scene. I had a lot of those moments Sunday night. It was about four years ago when I helped plan a summer kick-off in a backyard in Albany, GA. It was great fun and I uphold it with dear affection and standard. It was there that relationships made all the fun and excitement. It was about ten years ago when I walked into my first real youth group event in Dothan, AL. I felt like I owned the place. I had been waiting for that moment my WHOLE self-aware life! It was there that leadership became a part of me.

Now I find myself sitting at my desk and replaying the scenes of my first summer kick-off for my own students. I try really heard not to continue to play into the "I am a youth minister!" mindset. There are some days that I still can't believe that all those worlds and lives before have collided to this. It's not over by far, but it has certainly continued in suprising fashion. I miss days as a youth group member. I miss being able to just take it in and be on the receiving end of someone else's dream for me in God's kingdom. I also miss interning a GREAT deal. I miss having that first opportunity to dream of adventures for my girls and then to have the strong guidance and gentle criticism from some of my most valued mentors.

All those things have brought me here standing in a trapeze costume and white gogo boots looking out into a sea of teenagers all searching for understanding and love from a Lord they MIGHT want to give their lives to. It is unbelieveable what God has in store for them if this is what he had for me. I am thankful for my journey thus far and the sweet and precious memoories I have that keep me going day in and day out. It is those memories that keep me hanging onto the present. Ironic isn't it? The past keeping me grounded in the present. I am very thankful for each memory God grants me that disguises itself as a gift. Even the hardest of memories. So I am going to close out listing my top ten (in no particular order) youth group memories just for fun! Well, I am a bamboo shoot growing a mile minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

10.Mission trip to Mexico (2005)
9.RV Trip with Westwood to Washington D.C. (2007)
8.Hargis Retreats (2002-2005)
7.Westwood VBS worship! (2006-2009)
6.Westgate Girls Basketball League
5.Day at Turtle Grove Park in Albany,GA (2006)
4.Wiregrass Workcamp (2000)
3.Bigstuf Camps (2006-2009)
2.Mobile Mission Trip (2002)
1.Sunflower Field spotting with Gracie (2009)

Meet Sweet Grady

2010-05-04T22:17:00.005-05:00

Tuesday night at our house contained energy that could rival Christmas Eve. Everyone was anticipating the arrival of the third addition to Jodie's family and my new nephew, Grady Edward Sekeres. Jodie, Press, Nora, Eli, and Grandma all came to spend the night at Nana and Grandad's while having an aunt available, me! It was a wonderful time of being together one last time before we opened our arms to welcome our newest member.

I can't wait to giggle and laugh with him like I do his older brother and sister. Tuesday night Nora, Eli, and I were just laughing, hugging, and smothering each other with our excitement and love. I can only imagine how God is going to grow my heart for this extra hug and kiss! Grady is adorable in all his 8lbs. and 3oz.! So far he has been the most chill baby I have ever seen. Yesterday we changed his clothes, diaper, and weighed him and not a stir was to be had from that set of lungs. He slept through most of the day yesterday and that was with lots of noise and activity. Jodie hopes that this part of his developing personality is going to stick.

It is times like this and sweet faces like that that make it hard for me to want to live in Nashville. I love being around my family with no walls and no mysteries. I also love playing with my niece and nephew until we all definitely need a nap. I have enjoyed being home a great deal. I have enjoyed it not only because of Grady's arrival, but also discovering more of who I am through my family has been so important to me. I have also been recognizing some things I didn't realize I missed that explains some of the more difficult adjustments I have had in Nashville.

Dothan is much less marginalized than Nashville, has a lot less choice, and way more memories. There is more of a chance in knowing the person I am driving next to down the street here in Dothan. In addition to that, there is just more personal life happening for me here than I currently lead. I know it will get better over time as most people like to throw out consistently, but until then it will remain a bit challenging and sad. So have I been homesick occasionally the last six months? You bet, but thankfully I am just now realizing it. Grady was a success at making me want for home, but I must remember that on some level what I am doing in Nashville is indirectly for him and his future in the body of Christ.

Well, I have less than 24hrs before I need to leave to return to Nashville and hop a plane to Chicago to see the other half of my family. So I am going to speed out the door and enjoy my incredible family here. I will be sure to post pictures of Grady soon, but until then be jealous you don't get to hold him in person! By the way, did I mention there will be another similar post sometime in December? Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*photos taken and compliments of Jodie Sekeres

The Lord's True Gifts

2010-05-01T16:28:00.004-05:00

*Heather and I at my graduation party last May

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." God has given me a lot of things over the last year and in life, but fear and a timid spirit was and are not some of them. This has been a crazy and unpredictable year. In exactly a week, it will have been a year since I left my safe haven of college at Harding. It has been over a year since I began writing all my post-college experiences here on my blog. God has given much, but the spirit that often over takes me is not one of them. That is a poor gift I sometimes give myself, but God and I are working on that.

I graduated with no job and no new places to physically go. God, however, had many new places for my spirit to travel in a familiar place called home. I got to do so many things there that made an old place look new. Then not long after that journey, God moved me here to Nashville to not pursue my original dream of a masters, but of ministry. He prepared for me great gifts that I had yet to open. I moved here to Nashville and dived into youth ministry. In many ways, this experience has been opposite of my immediate post grad life. I was relearning old things in a very new place instead of new things in an old place.

God is so faithful and loving while leading the blind that have the ability to see. It is such a touching experience that I have with God that is also coupled with embarassment and apologies much of the time. In the last year, I got to do multiple things that taught me how to find life in the small things. I got to take a cake decorating class and sell cakes for money, I got to manage a play for a local high school, see my first Braves game, spend more time with my niece and nephew, travel to the sweet places in life, counsel girls in crisis situations, read a number of novels, have family dinners, and messily somewhat pave the way for my best friend's post-grad experience that begins in about a week.

My best friend, Heather, is graduating from Wheaton in a week. She is headed home and preparing to have a tremendous experience in her first year. She is going to be beautiful while living there as she always is when doing new things. God is giving her so many gifts right now and preparing many more for her to open along the way. She is going to do beautifully. She loves life and understands more about it than most which makes her extremely wise. God gives us all the better gifts in life than we often choose for ourselves. He gives us power, love, and self-discipline. Those are the things that lead to a gracious path and full experience of life with our Lord. I am in awe of the next year and can't wait to live it with two of my best friends! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*photo of youth group taken by David Rubio

Leading From Behind

2010-04-08T10:47:00.003-05:00

"However, we do speak a wisdom among the mature, but not a wisdom of this age, or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. On the contrary, we speak God's hidden wisdom in a mystery, a wisdom God predestined before the ages for our glory." 1 Cor 2:6-7

What does it take to be a leader? Without fail, each time I hear the word leader I think of the playful song crafted from the movie Peter Pan. "We are following the leader, the leader, the leader...." We all follow a leader, but where is that leader located most of the time? What image do you get? Over the last few months I have learned that being a leader does not always look like the scene from Peter Pan where all followers are behind the person in front with his chest sticking out proudly. I am learning that it should look a lot more like the same scene, but with another leader that is the one at the end of the conga line. Leading from behind. Without leading from the behind, what happens when someone needs a drink of water or when someone needs to sit on the sidewalk and doesn't know the way?

This way of leading takes boldness. It takes confidence in something that we cannot always see or trust to work out like we expect. It takes boldness to both lead in the front and to lead from the back. It takes courage to be the one sticking out his chest even though you might be thinking on the inside, "I wonder if I put on the right walking shoes?" It also takes courage to lead from the back and trusting that the map you gave everyone is the one sufficient enough to get the followers to their goals and not to the state of Texas.

I have found that sometimes it is hard to be bold because it takes a confidence that is not of ourselves. It takes trust in the basic things the Lord grants. That is SO hard especially when you are still learning what those basic things are. We must trust in the wisdom that the Lord grants us that is "not a wisdom of this age, or of the rulers of this age". God has given us all what we need in our traveling backpack. In the new movie, Up in the Air, George Clooney's character is known for conducting a seminar discussing the things that you must pack in your "backpack". You pack all your possessions, your family, your hopes, and then you try and walk around with that burden. It is close to impossible. That is why we need to recognize that we only need the basics to be able to lead and be bold. We only need a wallet rather than a backpack. The basics of love and wisdom from the Lord.

I am sure there are other things that need to fit into the wallet of the Lord to be able to lead from the front and the back. I am still learning those essentials, but until then we are all leading with what we know to be true. "Now God has revealed these things to us by the Spirit for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God." Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Life...Take your shoes off and take a break!

2010-03-29T11:42:00.005-05:00

I know, I know, it has been ages since I last posted. It has been a crazy month full of unexpected twists and turns that did not give me any time to shout in the process to complete the joyful dance that is often quoted when talking of such a life. In the last month, my older brother, Nathan, got to come visit me along with my best friend, Heather. We have gotten our leadership team at work secure and complete with a new intern and my new partner in ministry. I bought my first plane ticket myself and then got in a car wreck a few days later which made me thankful for planes as a nice switch from a car. And dare I say the signs of being an adult have forced themselves upon me through filing my own taxes for the first time and having discussions of opening a retirement account.

Life comes at you fast and does not take you in to consideration when feeding its need for speed. I have tried everything to persuade life to slow down. Like taking it to antique shops and showing it what it used to look like in its golden days or redecorating my humble abode to intice life into desiring a relaxing spirit. I cook obsessively to convince my spirit to enjoy the tastes of the earth that take ages to appreciate, but with no aveil it just keeps on moving without ever taking notice of my efforts.

Then again, would I want my life any other way? With life moving at this speed, I have learned to acquire the best elbow and knee pads that relationships can buy and appreciating the slow things in life. I often think of my days of working at Hospice and remembering the frustrations I had with the slow environment of its nature. It allowed me to appreciate the speediness of some things and the beautiful slowness of others. My patient's lives had no choice, but to reluctantly slow down and take in the world. I learned so much that semester about taking my life's choices away. Now, exactly a year later I am considering it once again. There are beautiful things happening around me that I am missing. I have a new ministry and a new partner and I am missing it because I was giving in to my life's need for speed. My students are growing beyond their own spirit's capacity and I definitely don't want to miss that. My family is expanding and moving all the time. I sadly am missing that too.

Every year I choose a musical album and specific track that sums up my year's path and goals. The one I have chosen for 2009-2010 is Gomez's See the World. "You seem like a soldier that has lost his composure. You're wounded and playing a waiting game in no man's land where no one wants to play. See the world, find an old fashioned girl, and when all is said and done, the things that are given not won are the things that you want." I can relate to those lines sometimes almost instantly when I hear them and sometimes it takes me a lot longer to accept their truthfulness. So life take your shoes off and go take a water instead of a coffee break because we need to take it a little slower this time. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The Purple Cow

2010-02-23T11:22:00.002-06:00

Have you ever seen a brown cow? What about a black and white one? What about a purple one? I have absolutely never seen a purple cow quite literally, but figuratively speaking they are becoming more common. On Wednesday nights, I am helping teach a class entitled just as this blog post. The class is for the 7th and 8th graders in my youth group. The goal of the class is to teach them how to wade through the products of their own culture in their personal lives and understand them from a higher perspective. We are trekking through the forests of music, TV, movies, commercials, and electronic advances. We want to point out the purple cows in the world around them that look different and can affect them in a significant way.

Preparing for this class for me has been an extreme challenge. I have had to examine much of my own choices in culture and how those choices have and are forming me as a person without my awareness and permission. I have also learned to see other versions of purple cows within my own awesome youth group. This past weekend we were very blessed to take a group of students to Winterfest in Gatlinburg, TN. As we journeyed through the weekend, there were so many comments from fellow adults on how wonderful our youth group behaved and lived around the glitches that occurred, such as, losing our housing, not riding the preferred bus, or having to travel longer than expected.

One of the things I love about teenagers is that they are much more than what most people believe them to be. After you have met two or three teens you think you have them figured out as a whole, but I am here to say that there are Purple Cows among them. In fact, each teen that chooses to become a Christ follower is the purple cow of their generation. Do we ever take the time to point that out to them? How would it change their roles among each other?

I walked away from this weekend more convinced than ever that teens need to know that they themselves are the purple cows that make their generation the extraordinary one of this age and the ones that will produce the purple cows of their culture. There are so many desires and thirsts among our group that would surprise anyone who thought they "knew" what teenagers were really like and really about. I love working with teenagers because they make my life look so different and so extraordinary in the way they challenge me and push me to be better and more aware of who I am.

They are not afraid to stand up to what they do not agree with and mention where their hearts truly thirst to journey. Fear is almost rather a catalyst for them rather than a hindrance. It is inspiring to witness a purple cow in action and one day be able to live accordingly to the fruit of their labor. So next time you see a purple cow, stop and admire it, take pictures with it, and buy a t-shirt that exclaims its marvel. Because often times it is those things that will act as a mirror for this rare phenomenon. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Never What They Seem

2010-02-05T10:50:00.007-06:00

Over the last couple of years I have noticed that things are never as they seem. For example, in the picture above I was caught sleeping at Christmas party I went to a few months ago. By that picture, you would think that the party was a flop, boring, or lame. Not true at all! It was a blast or so I heard because I was too exhausted to stay awake after a month of being in youth ministry and four Christmas parties in one day. So you see I was not asleep in reaction to my immediate environment, but to the collection of the days behind me.

This concept of "not always what is seems" is one of the number one guidelines that you learn in earning a degree in social work. This person may have an obvious problem, but the problem is never what it seems. Nine times out of 10 there is something more behind that problem that encouraged what they are outwardly dealing with. All things are connected in people's lives. The loss of one thing creates an issue with another.We call this theory the systems theory, but you didn't come to read this blog entry to learn about theories.

I am constantly being reminded that things, people, situations are never as they seem. There is more to each of them that we may never see or consider. That is why relationships are so important. It is when we choose to love that we learn and are able to visualize the less obvious and understand the obvious. People are complex, but they do not have to stay complex. One of the reasons I fell in love with social work is the realization that people are complex until you see their humanity and need for just what you need as well. Some people hide in their complexities and that is when things become not always what they seem. When we hide, community is taken from others and restoration is taken from ourselves.

When I read the gospels, I often considered Jesus a complex being the majority of his life story here on earth until I read the story of the crucifixion. It is in this story that we realize that his purpose was not always what it seemed. There was something more to him that we see in the ultimate display of humanity in death. There was something more to his behavior, his words, and his love. Jesus did not hide within his misunderstood complexities, but rather allowed and invited community because of it. He invited relationship to himself to those around him. Maybe we should all acknowledge our own complexity and follow Jesus into the invitation of relationship and understanding of our complicated layers to those around us.

Until then, everything will remain not what it seems. Sometimes that distorted lack of reality and truth can become overwhelming or just the opposite, too comfortable. I encourage each of you to dig deep into the people around you. Dig deep into the situations you are in that leave you disheartened. Dig deep into the things of this life that break or fool your heart. Dig deep and I think that what you will find will not be easy, but a simple need that everyone has and can potentially fill with the Spirit of the Lord. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

How Low Can You Go?

2010-01-20T15:07:00.004-06:00

This past weekend was one of the craziest and most exciting weekends I have ever had. This past weekend I took my first trip with the Otter Creek youth group on our annual Mystery Trip. The kids had no idea where we were heading or where we were ending. This picture above shows their confusion and eagerness to discover what lied ahead 72 hours down the road. We were gone 72 hours total and spent 40 of those in a charter bus we had rented.

Each possible city along the way was considered by each teen and then passed by. Atlanta, Macon, Jacksonville, Orlando, and finally Miami. There was a bit of disappointment concerning Orlando for obvious reasons, but then came just utter confusion. What could be down that far? Then came the answer. We were going to Key West to camp out and snorkel. We came to a complete suprise of the Link family at the campground that night. The Links have been traveling the United States since the summer and will continue on until about late May. It was such a gift to be able to see old friends and familiar faces.

The next morning we got up and visited the most southern tip of the United States and had communion. After communion, we boarded a boat and went snorkeling on a reef. The sky was overcast and the wind was enough to rouse up some pretty rough waves, but continued to anticipate our long awaited event. We finally arrived and dropped anchor. It began to rain, but did not stop anyone from jumping in the water. Yet, the one thing that kept anyone from jumping in the water was sea sickness. People started to throw-up left and right over the boat. Those who did make it into the water were not disappointed. God's creation continued to move and amaze even though everything above it was chaos.

After about 45 minutes, we loaded back onto the boat and returned to shore. We loaded the bus and began our long journey home. Thankfully our return to Nashville was broken up by a pleasant and much needed stop to Julie(one of our youth leaders)sister's home to spend the night. We processed our weekend and retired for the rest of the night to count the remaining miles in our sleep. We got home to Nashville Monday afternoon around 4:30. It was an amazing trip full of laughs, sickness, sleep, and stories that all add up to tremendous memories. I could not have asked for a better first trip with my amazing students. God is truly faithful and alive in all we do with a full heart.

So much has changed about my life in the last year. After taking a trip like this it is hard for me to believe that a year ago I was working in Hospice and wondering where I was going to go to grad school. It is hard for me to believe that God has willingly led a blind stubborn fool to this beautiful and unexpected place. I am convinced that my whole life is a mystery trip guessing and wondering whether to stop or go at each destination and choice. It is the driver's seat where I want God to be, but also in the rearview mirror and the passenger seat. Surround my journey O Lord for I need you to be my vehicle. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!!

First Steps into the First...well...EVERYTHING!

2009-12-21T12:54:00.007-06:00

Just last week I celebrated my first month anniversary in my new job as a youth minister. For those of you that forgot, it is ok I will still accept cards and gifts. Ha! Many of you have been asking how the job's been going. The job has been going really well and I getting to learn a ton. It often can keep me very busy, but busy with things that I love to do and with people that I absolutely enjoy being with.

It has only been a month, but I have learned and experienced so much already. I am learning mostly how to plan for a large youth group and all that comes with it. Sometimes I hit the mark and sometimes I don't, but I am learning no matter. David always encouragingly reminds me that no matter how events, classes, or plans happen that it will all work out and may not even be remembered years later. Yet, I am pretty sure that there are several things that I will not forget from my first month. For example, those of you that are or remember being newly weds often comment on how hard it is to get used to cooking for two. Well, let me offer some reassurance in that you have it good friends. Try providing food and appropriate themed snacks for 100 or so teenagers.

Within, the first two weeks I had credit card in hand walking into Kroger with a charge to buy ice cream for our Purity Panel event. We wanted to buy the Purity brand ice cream in order to go along with the theme. Now here in our story is where I must plug in that in the process of my learning expected questions are already forming between David (my partner in the youth ministry) and I as a team. My personal favorite expected learning question for David is 'How much?' How much...do we get, should we spend, or are we expecting? This is a question that I will always be learning the answer to when it comes to a youth group our size. Now moving on to the story.

I proceed to the ice cream freezer in Kroger. I begin to pull out ice cream cartons and eventually clear out their stock in order to provide for our large "family" of teenagers. I then buy plenty of toppings and various Purity brand products. While roaming around with my now full cart I get comments and stares from each normal passing shopper. I pull up to the counter and purchase the ice cream and its accessories. I felt as though I was buying for the Dugger family birthday party. I ended up buying 14 1/2 gallons of ice cream, 4 bottles of chocolate syrup, 4 jars of carmel sauce, 3 jars of cherries, 2 jars of nuts, 4 cans of whipped cream, and 6 gallons of various Purity milk.

Another example of this 'How much?' phenominon, occured this past week for one of our Christmas parties. We wanted to have some fun snacks for our last class before Christmas so I purchased 10 dozen christmas cookies which led to me cleaning out half of Kroger's fresh cookie supply and various amounts of egg nog and boiled custard. Believe me though when I say that we eat MOST of what we buy for these events. Teenagers are always hungry and always prepared to be fed.

Other firsts you ask? Well, I was attending a Christmas party this past weekend and it snowed on my car for the first time in Nashville! Regina and Michael gave me a great lesson in snow/ice scraping my window shield. I have also had my first celebrity sighting. Thursday morning Heather and Sara were driving through on their way home so we naturally went to Panera to eat breakfast in Brentwood. Well, who should walk in, but Scott Hamilton, the professional figure skater.

Among other firsts, I have written my first parent e-mail that happened to be exceptionally wordy and long (whoops), taught my first 7-8th grade class, help plan my first real Wednesday night layout, put up my own outdoor Christmas lights, and traveled throughtout Nashville WITHOUT my GPS for a day. This move has brought about some very challenging and welcomed experiences. I suggest it for anyone who is sitting on their couch wondering whether this type of move in life is worth it. YES!!! I am having a blast, learning a ton, and getting to meet and invest in incredible people daily. And if you are thinking, "Where could I go to do that?" the answer is, of course, Nashville! I look forward to sharing other first stories with you, but until then enjoy your Christmas holidays as I know I will with it being my first Christmas out of college! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*photo courtesy of Regina Claud Hampton

The More to Life

2009-12-11T10:44:00.003-06:00

Jesus once said in relation to worry that, "Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes."* What a refreshing view on this achievement we are all striving toward that we call life. I also heard another good quote this morning by Robin on GMA, "Life is good when family becomes friends and friends become family." Life looks and feels more than what we perceive it to be. I look back on the last six months and think to myself how I made it out into the place I am stepping into.

I was speaking with a friend just yesterday about all the funny things I applied to do as a post graduation career. The list goes as follows: bank teller, school crossing gaurd, starbucks barista, barnes and nobles "consultant", Bath and Body Works sales associate, nanny, substitute teacher, and a secretary. Please hear me when I say that all of these are respected careers and provide a great opportunity to many, but I had a social work degree and no experience or personality in ANY of these openings. I was just that eager to make it to Nashville. At the end of that conversation, I thought to myself that I was glad that it was hard, otherwise,I would have taken something else over this amazing job I now have.

"Life is more than food and the body more than clothes." I have discovered in just a month that life is more than what we think we need. I am convinced that sometimes Satan tries to distract us with worries about the surface things to keep us from acknowledging the true needs we have as a people of God like community, disciplship, family, and love. We need what Robin exclaimed as a reality of support.
I have been so lucky so far to have support with every new wobbly step I have taken thus far in my new job. I feel like if I were sitting at God's perspective I would see this scene: the gallery inhaling and holding its breath as I began to step out and then sigh as 10 or more people come running to hold the door, hold my hand, and then hug me on the other side.

"Life is more than food and the body more than clothes." Worry gets me no where and it certainly does not allow me freedom to capture the life Jesus intended me to have after receiving his spirit. I am learning that life is more than I expected and sought for so long. For that I am thankful and relieved as I begin to learn what life truly contains because, otherwise, I think that I would have missed it with the worry for the unnecessary and lacked the necessary. I recognize that my worry will probably never be completely absent from my imperfect life, but I do intend to allow God to capture it when it creeps into the real life I hear and seek in the word. Well, I am just bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*Luke 12:23 (NIV)

Taste What Has Been

2009-12-01T16:20:00.003-06:00

I love the simple, yet profound words of Henri J.M. Nouwen. Reading his books is like having a moving conversation with a new friend, but the remnants of his wisdom take likeness to that of a lifetime mentor.

When I went home for Thanksgiving this past weekend, I had a package waiting on me in my empty bedroom. It had the return address of my best friend, Heather. I couldn't wait to rip it open and begin to utilize whatever tools she had sent me. Heather never sends anything in the mail that is ordinary or impractical. I opened the package and realized that I should have received this about three weeks ago in my weakness of uncertainty, but needed it now in my weakness of renewal. Heather gave me the "Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen along with some sweet pictures of paths and scriptures that referred to the path of life.

I wept through the whole unveiling of the sweet thought out present. I began reading the book immediately and fell in love with its down to earth and poignant message; You are chosen, blessed, broken, and given with love. It is a book that was written just before Nouwen died and addressed to a dear dear friend of his that was still doubting the lifestyle that Nouwen had chosen over his own. Each realization that Nouwen makes for this friend feels as though he is writing a letter to me in my own transition. Just take this excert for example:

"Augustine's words. 'My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God,' capture well this journey. I know that the fact that I am always searching for God, always struggling to discover the fullness of Love, always yearning for the complete truth, tells me that I have already been given a taste of God, of Love, and of Truth. I can only look for something that I have, to some degree, already found. How can I search for beauty and truth unless that beauty and truth are already known to me in the depth of my heart?"

This phrase spoke to me when I first read it and again as I type it. I am searching for something in life that I have tasted before. This gives me hope because it means that it is real and that it is attainable. The things that I search in this move are possible, but also unpredictable. I am still unsure of what those things are, but that is where they remain unpredicatble and exciting all the more. "Expect the unexpected", right? So now I am expecting the unexpected in my inner depths of relationship with God because just look where my physical journey has led me! I think God should take the lead in this too. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Grace from the Cubicle

2009-11-17T14:03:00.004-06:00

I come to you from a cubicle far far away. It is my first day in the office of Otter Creek as one of the new youth ministers and it has been so exciting and comforting! I felt a lot of things coming into this day in the office much of which was the unexpected. As a irrelevant side note, don't EVER challenge God with the statement of "expecting the unexpected" unless you are lacking excitement, spontoneity, and have a million and a half prophets in your life. I proposed that statement of arrogance to God exactly a year ago sitting on my dorm bed at Harding University and now I am speaking truth to its product from a cubicle in Otter Creek's church office.

Though in a new location with a new worldview, I am still under the provisions of my main disciple, Luke. Luke approached me about five days ago and presented this thought of Jesus to me. "Then he turned to his disciples and said privately, 'Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it." So I thought to myself out loud exactly what context that was meant for, but it spoke something personal to me totally out of its original context and into my futuristic corner of the story. I missed it all until now. All the signs, the knowledge, the blessing, the plan. With that said, I am not only excited for what is ahead for myself, but how blessed are those that have spoken truth into my blind life over the years.

God is moving in ways that we, the church, have never seen before and looks to speak in a level that only you can hear and in a volume that only I would understand. In the same coffee session Luke and I had, he also bestowed some grace upon me through this statement of Jesus a little bit before that, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." I fell in love with this lesson first because it carred such a lack of formality and expectation on who it is that can know of the kingdom of God. Then I fell in love with it for a whole new reason in that I have been those little children over the last six months. I have had to learn how to walk, talk, and receive God in ways that are new to me. With that said, God has been speaking things to me that I have had to learn from scratch and from a wisdom that I have yet to gain. To know that God speaks to the unlikely or the unexpected, bathed me in such grace and renewal towards my intellectual interaction with God.

I am so excited to see how God accelerates this time for the church into a place we have never had the courage to dream. As well to see, how it is that God will continue to interact with his people and community. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The Inner Eye on Change

2009-11-04T07:11:00.006-06:00

What an absence I have had! There is no way to truly sum up all the reasons I haven't posted in ages except a lot has changed since my last entry to this online journal. Some of it to be kept secret and some of it just too much to write or comprehend. The great news though is that I am finally moving to Nashville! No more wandering among the fold, but rather being found and carried to a place of belonging. God was doing some tremendous things while I wasn't looking and some even more real things when I was. It astounds me constantly that I serve a God who decides to work in my life when there is no desire and there is no commitment to be seen only felt.

With this exciting news and scary change, I have resorted to find knowledge and advice from the disciples of my heritage in Luke 9. It is in this chapter, that Jesus sends the twelve out with the most responsibility yet since there calling. I can truly imagine the nervousness, lack of confidence, and concern they feel for the opportunities they will have and the success rate of those possible opportunities. I mean they've seen it done a million times, but never on their own have they tested themselves.

This is of course how I feel in this new job. It is a tremendous opportunity and full of things that promote personal growth and influential change, but oh how those feelings of newness drown that out. Those of you that know me well know that change is terrifying for me. I love to pretend as though it is nothing, but my heart yields to my thoughts all too much in those times of drastic transformation. I wish Luke knew my need to hear the disciples thoughts on doing ministry, but as I continue to read that chapter I think maybe it was a good thing. You see later in that chapter the disciples did wondrous things while on their pilgrimage from Jesus, but returned only to argue about greatness and entitlement. So maybe it wouldn't have been helpful to hear their thoughts on beginnings because it certainly isn't to listen to their thoughts on success.

I am grateful for that portion of the story because it puts the rewards of ministry into focus. Our rewards will almost always be for someone else. For that, I am comfortable and satisfied, but I am aware of the things that can become blinding when in ministry. Jesus calls me confess of my love and commitment to transform into him daily. It is then that he will be my full reward. It is nail biting to read the part where the disciples walk into foreign towns without anything material or relational because that is just how I am perceiving my upcoming journey, but at the end of that part I always sigh because they return to Jesus their comfort and support. It is on this journey that I enter to a place where I am without those things too, but I also know that because of the Lord that I will gain and return to the things I "feel" that I lack. My feelings are fleeting and do not deserve the credit that is often given, but I look forward to when they are of positive mind and of great reward. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The Disciple and I

2009-10-05T09:13:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the weeks of great delay in writing for those few of you that actually read my blog. It has been a wild couple of weeks since my last post. This past week and weekend was spent preparing and then celebrating the marriage of Michael and Regina Hampton. Many of you know Regina personally and the rest of you just know her as the "best friend who lives in Nashville". The wedding itself was beautiful and A LOT of work, but well worth it to see her and Michael have a good time expressing themselves to one another. On a more personal note, I would like to brag on myself in the fact that I drove around the Nashville area all week without my GPS and did it with great flare. If you perceive this comment as self-centered, I advise you to go back a couple months worth of posts when I first tried to move to Nashville and I am 100% sure that you will be proud of me too.

Many of the things that came to mind over the course of the week and weekend obviously had a lot to do with the nature of commitment. I know that that seems like a cliche' thought, but I truly have wondered what it is that drives us to dive into things that have no insurance. Things like relationships, marriages, lifestyles, jobs. All those things require commitment, but no insurance to reassure the galavant ahead. Recently, I have started to read through the book of Luke. I have a hard relationship with Luke because as I read his take on Jesus I sense that he and I would not be great friends in real life. I mean look into it. He would want everything to be a secret and I just couldn't do that, whereas, John talks about the emotional heart-driven Jesus, Matthew speaks of our Savior as a Messiah who manages our religious chaos, and Mark talks about Jesus being someone who is calm, cool, an collected in the face of human trial. But Luke wants it all to be a secret and about Jesus' prodigal ability to heal the human body.

Anyway, I read through Luke 5 this morning and found this passage to be a bit unnerving. "After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. 'Follow me', Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him." I found it to irk me so because Luke made it look as though he JUST WENT! He makes me feel like a moron when I read that passage. But then I reflected on my emotions and the sudden life effecting insinuation that was made. When we read this, it seems as though Levi had no hinderances in following Jesus, but then I got to thinking about Levi with hope that Luke and I might could reconcile.

Picture Levi sitting at his table outside the very house that his old paralyzed friend from Kindergarten just walked out of. He gets curious and starts to stare at the door as if something brilliant was about to appear. Then he hears Jesus' words to the Pharisees and giggles to himself at the truth of the statements. As he continues to wait for that brilliant upstanding rich man to walk out the door, a man gets in the way of his view. A man from Nazareth is blocking the door way that will soon emit the man that he needs to know. He tries to look around him and then has the man from Nazareth come toward him, making it harder to see, and speaks in a voice that spoke moments before and asks him to follow.

He is amazed that a man that did and said such powerful things looks and walks like that. So he gets up to literally follow him, but involves himself in such a commitment that does not provide any insurance or reassurance to what it will require over the next three years. What if he was just thinking to himself, "Ok, I will follow you down the street, but I don't know about around the corner." When I have read this passage in the past, I often think that Levi's actions are proof that he knew that Jesus meant follow me with your life, but really did he know that?

God has plans for us all, otherwise, this world would be much more chaotic then it is already. Sometimes I commit to God in the moment not considering what that moment will require of me for a lifetime. Sometimes we make decisions in relationships and friendships that are in the moment, but don't realize that those decisions can take a lifetime to move past or avoid reoccurrence; a commitment we wouldn't otherwise sign up for. The difference between these two scenarios is that God's expectation of commitment is hard, but full of rewards and not rewards in heaven or on earth as we would think, but of love, grace, mercy, and peace. Those things will not come with the latter scenario unless the former is then applied. This is all very fresh and new to me, but I invite you to take a commitment and let it affect you from here on out. As for Luke and I's future, we shared a cup of coffee this morning and made a future date to do it again. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

*picture taken by Jocelyn Jesus

When it Rains it Pours...

2009-09-22T08:27:00.005-05:00

Have you ever got caught in the rain? I am not talking like a sprinkle of water, but real rain like the kind you see in the movie The Day After Tomorrow. That is exactly what happened to me twice this weekend. On Saturday, I had the sheer pleasure of driving up to Auburn and going to the greatest game yet this season for free with my older brother, Nathan. As we were walking up to the stadium, it began to sprinkle and then it began to pour onto us. We only walked a few yards when we were soaked from the hip down to our toes. We got into the stadium with about 70,000 other excited fans and remained stuck there for about an hour as the officials waited for lightening to quit striking. Now I have fought my way through crowds of all massive sizes at various worship conferences, but this was way different. Boistrous, excited, passionate fans crammed into a small space with the kick-off for what they think is the game of their life only a few feet out of a portal they can't get to nor is allowed to exit is not a rosy experience. After about an hour, we all shoved our way to the entrance to the field and began to sit down with 87,000 other people and chant for the game to begin. It was thrilling!

There was a similar reoccurrence on Sunday at the Braves game in Atlanta. A few weeks ago I found a great deal on tickets and wanted to go since I had never been to see the Braves game in all the years my youth group, family, and friends had gone. I only wanted to go with one person and that was my older brother. So early the next morning we climbed into the car and drove to Turner Field. It was so grand and full of anticipation. You could tell which of the fans do this every Sunday and who of the fans were just like me; babies to the sport. I teared up several times with excitement throughout the first four innings. We had amazing seats according to Nathan. We were four rows up right in center field. I didn't care because I was watching America's greatest past time live! Just as the game was getting good the rain began to sprinkle. We pulled on our ponchos and went about watching the game until it began to pour, again. Nathan and I looked at each other, shrugged, and went to grab a hot dog. After about an hour the rain cleared and we were back into the game with clear skies and sunshine.

I say all this to say that I had a blast. This was probably one of the best weekends I have ever had. Yes it rained, but there is something to be said for sticking it out and not complaining. When you don't complain, it is a lot easier to take things like a deathly down pour to steal the excitement of just being present at something like that. It was also great because it was the mental break I had needed so desperately all week. Last weekend was wonderful, but left me with lots of tears and naps (which I hate taking advantage of). I tried many things this past week to change that, such as, going to Barnes and Noble's cookbook section, reading, watching movies, walking, cleaning, family dinners, play practice, even just giving in to the naps, but nothing seemed to work. This weekend was perfect. All I was concerned about was being the loudest among 80,000 for the team that I love and soaking and marinating in a new environment at a sport I know nothing about. It was grand and it was perfect. I learned this weekend through all the rain that things are never as bad as they seems unless you point it out as such, otherwise, ignoring it and moving on makes the fun not only rain, but pour. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

What Are We Entitled To?

2009-09-19T09:08:00.002-05:00

So I don't have a fancy picture to go with this post nor do I have a great excuse that gets me out of the firing line for not posting recently. You must know, however, how many times a day I think about posting and what I should post. Often times it is a great discussion issue, but does not fit what so ever into what this blog is about except the fact that I experienced those situations while sitting around and growing. Many of you have asked how this past weekend went on my little escapade. Well, I will give you the vague version.

I interviewed for a very big opportunity in Nashville that includes working with teenagers, lots of them! It was a whirlwind weekend I must say. I arrived around lunch on Saturday and went straight into lunch/interview with the people who were chosen to help with the hiring process. After about two hours, I then went back to the original place of meeting and helped with a brewing activity on the horizon. I was beginning to get hungry and a bit more relaxed about the whole weekend when we arrived at our next destination. There we had an amazing tasting dinner with about 50 wonderful people that I would be working with and leaning on for support if this job opportunity came along. I crashed after two hours from my own personal annoyance at how boring my life was up to this point. These people rightfully wanted to enquire about similar things about me, but after answering two or three times I realized how boring I am. Bless those peoples hearts for wanting to know anyway. Then I crashed hard until the next morning.

Overall, the weekend went really well with a splash of exhaustion, but I think that is a sign of a weekend well spent. Other than that I have contemplated many things, but one of which that sticks out in my mind. Entitlement. I think that the age of entitlement has come to its peak. I am not going to name names of those who have pointed out the rise of this phenomenon, but I am going to call out the rest of us on it. All too often we think that we have "rights" to things that are not really supported by the most important thing we live by; God's word. We often feel that we have the right to privacy, the right to success, the right to make lots of money, the right to spend that money on crap, and the right to boast about it in everyday conversation. Don't get me wrong I am speaking to myself as well, but really people? We need to rethink the rights we really have and take those into consideration when living every day out.

The biggest danger of all in this line of thinking is that we feel we are entitled to grace and love of Jesus. Oh no, of course we would never say that out loud, but you don't have to because by example we are bullhorns. Jesus dealt with the issue of entitlement often. Not within himself, but among those he was leaving his work to which is even scarier. Remember the disciples arguing where they were going to sit in the kingdom of heaven? I can't imagine what Jesus was thinking or feeling during that eavesdropping. Oh wait! I can because I have those type of one way discussions all day every day! Suddenly, I have become this person who feels entitled to the best job in my interest, the least debt of them all, the right to rest when I want to, and the luxuries of being in my position. In the same breath, I expect to have grace and forgiveness without having to ask, I expect to get a new day for seventy years without fail, and I expect to be deserving of the message of jesus Christ.

God does gives us these things covered with grace, but I think there comes a point where God expects more than what we expect for and of ourselves. Entitlement is scary because it can make you set yourself apart from the community and cover the truth of what God has called us to in this life. Rationalization is entitlement's best friend and don't often separate without accountability. Just think about it. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Do You Really Want This?

2009-09-08T15:00:00.002-05:00

This picture was taken at an art opening last spring at Harding. My friends and I really like to try and take our free time to enjoy other people's expressions and take on life through visuals. We have been able to see amazing artists and one of a kind perspectives on the way life looks. Here lately life looks different everyday. I have been given an amazing opportunity to interview for a job that would include working with the intellectual driving forces of today's church leaders. It is in the field of youth ministry which I have a great bit of passion for, but have never done it quite like this. I don't have a lot of experience in youth ministry during the school year nor do I have experience working with this many students at once. I have just decided to take the whole process one step at a time and enjoy each passing moment. Yet, here lately I have had everyone and their brother ask me if this is a job I want.

My first reaction is always defensive. Of course I want this job! Who wouldn't? Then I explain that I am ok with any outcome and remain open to God's plans. The secret is that deep down I question that statement. You see when you really think you want something and then have several people question that desire it makes it difficult to not dwell on the things you wouldn't like about it. Long hours, singleness and celibacy for life (just a joke), giving up on previous plans and dreams, moving to a city with no boundaries, and a need for a bigger planner. Those things just seem to come up a lot when I really consider whether want has anything to do with it.

There are a lot of things that I want right now and in my future that just aren't plausible. I want to travel for the next decade and live in thousands of cities, I want to race in the Tour de France, I want a movie to be made about my quirky life, but those things are not happening right now. If I am truly open to God's will as I say that I am, then I must be just that. If God wants me in this job or at home, then I need to accept and move forward. God will hear me out in my wants, but he will tune me out when it comes to carrying me to my needs. So do I want this? I don't know. I hear that feeling and desires are fleeting and that I shouldn't trust them anyway so I'm not going to. The only want that I have today is a significant plan from God that comes with all parts and instructions included that will result in an awesome glorifying showcase. Wholeness here I come...Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The World in a Whisk

2009-08-29T21:56:00.005-05:00

So I sat here and sat here for an hour after seeing Julie and Julia trying to talk myself out of being a part of that group in the blogger-sphere that makes her prescene sporatically known just because she saw this amazing, life inspiring, new addition to my collection movie. Yet, here I am posting under the influence of the crossroads of media and real life.

I felt very inspired and connected with the characters in this film. I felt that my readers, whoever you may be, would understand too as soon as you go use the rest of your weekend allowance to see it. It is about two real women doing what they can to get by, but searching for a dream through just trying to find something to stay busy with. Well, at least that is Julia's perspective. Julie on the other hand has the busy part, but not the dream. Fits perfectly with the foul mood I was in yesterday.

I have been taking cake decorating classes the last three weeks and embark on my final one Monday. I am bit sad, but have found myself buried in baking books day after day praying for a client with a sweet creativity need that only I can fulfill. Alas, nothing yet. Nothing to prove my new lessons or new take on life, but it will come soon I am almost sure of it. I love cooking. I always have. Mostly, I love food because food always comes with people!

At Harding, I loved cooking for friends (mainly Hannah and Betsy) and watching their faces as they bit into something unintroduced into the world. I love putting seasons into food, but even more I love having the simplicity of life on a plate and in a cup. There is nothing more comforting than a cup of coffee and a brownie that is not afraid to love you back. Food is great! It brings lessons in life and emotions out on the table. I recall one night of anger that birthed fresh fried rice and vegetables that could feed an army and took three hours to cook. Paige, my old roomate, new the signs of me being upset or angry...Jenn's in the kitchen at an odd hour and saying nothing but "try this". Even now, as I go through my ups and downs of finding work and purpose I am expressing myself by cooking for my parents weekly.

Anyway, I wanted to please my best friend, Heather, by posting a few pictures of my first cake in its stages and my second round with cupcakes that were happily devoured by my sugar loving family. If you want anything decorated that is edible, come by All Wrapped Up and I promise I will do you one sweet! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

The Disney Janitorial Closet

2009-08-28T21:42:00.004-05:00

Here lately I have become rather hesitant to dream much. I mean I seem to dream a lot at night with no choice, but when I am awake and ready to interact is when my mind is questioning the small thing beating in my chest's logic to dream big dreams anymore. This may seem like a depressing post to you, but it really is rather a neutral topic.

I was not there this past Monday when my alma matter ushered in 1,000 new students to take seats in classes that less than four months ago were warmed by my behind. In those very seats, I was taught to dream through picking a major, writing a paper about it, and then recieving some high honor for dreaming such things.

During this particular day that lacked my prescence, I received several text messages from some of my dear friends that were just weary of being told about the economic climate at which they are about to embark on come December and May. I have been told numerous times that this is the worst time to be graduating from college since the year I was born. How ironic. My transition into life and now in to society look strangely similar. This journey has been rather rough for me and the rest of the millions of young go getters my age. I have come to a place that really does not lack opportunity or adventure, but lacks a bit of dreaming.

It is so hard to have a conversation about dreams these days. We are pushed and taught from a small age through videos about pretty girls and handsome young men that dreams come from the heart and are alway possible, but is that really true? Dreams seem pointless once you walk across that stage, get handed your diploma for social work, drive your stuff clear across the country where you then proudly display your accredidation on the shelf in your room, yet suddenly you turn to find yourself punching numbers into a cash register that was not made just for you or written about in your text book. I mean don't get me wrong I am enjoy my jobs every now and then and have learned a great deal, but this was not what I dreamed about.

What they never show in Cinderella is what she dreams next. Does her life end once she becomes a princess or does she find herself clutching the key to a massive janitorial closet that she has to revisit four hours a day seven days a week just to keep up her humble abode? I am just curious what people my age should be dreaming for in a time like this. It is character building to keep putting yourself on the line of rejection, but it is also dream destroying...ok, ok,...altering. I apologize if this post seems whiney and presents no evidence of situation improvement, but it is how I feel in times when millions of voices don't get Disney movies to preach the modern ideal. I am really loving my time here at home and doing some really cool things. It is just hard to see up when there are no stairs. Coming up...being stage manager for the high school play I never saw....Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Seeking for the Smallest of Things

2009-08-18T23:02:00.007-05:00

I have lived in Dothan, AL now for 19 years. I have always thought that I was from a big city. Then my best friend Heather moved to a suburb of Chicago, IL. I went to visit her at Wheaton College during her first year there. I quickly repented of my false hometown descriptions thanks to a stuffy and smelly bus ride to THE city. I am NOT from the city. Yes, by demographical standards we are a city, but not in this way. We did not have this much style.

So if you have read my blog AT ALL you have come to find that I have been caught in a world wind of an attempt at moving to a big city. You know the kind of big city that comes with tall buildings, constant noise, lots of lights, and too many choices. The type of city that fell into the rankings of Chicago. But I have come here to make a confession. I am actually looking for a small town beneath the facts that present a city to the five senses. You know the one I am talking about. The one that has the one diner with the waitress who knows your name or the bookstore that you can get lost not in the vastness, but its unique knowledge of true literature. The best example I can give you is Stars Hollow that holds the Gilmore Girls. The small town I am looking for may lack style, but holds character. I have found myself wanting character rather than style these days.

I want all the quirks. The wierd events, the hole in the wall stores, the one of a kind citizens, and the inn right up the street waiting to serve me my regualar moody meals. Even though I am not from the ideal type city, I still must look for my "small town" underneath it all. Sometimes I find myself pretending much of the time. For example, tonight I made myself a cup of coffee and parked myself in a corner in Barnes and Noble after grabbing all these obscure books with cool covers. I continued on by skimming the contents of each as if to have been recommended them by some curious store keeper that grew up with the author before their success.

I am not sure why I have wanted to go through these scavenger hunts and semi-questionable charades. I think maybe it is because I found the best home I have ever had in the most unlikely of places. Maybe this small town was such because we had to invent a life of limitless creativity out of an environment of limit and routine. Maybe I long for a small town because I was reminded recently of the love that can transpire from a place that may lack tall buildings, opportunities, and style. The kind of love that transforms it into a place with character, legends, and intimate relationship. Point in case Searcy, AR.

This past weekend I ventured to Searcy, AR to be in my best friend's wedding. Most of these girls you see above I met in Searcy while going to school and the rest were brought there for the blessed occassion of Jen and Chris Massey's wedding day. I have wonderful and cherished relationships with these girls and would not once choose to pass them up if given the chance. We are all very different and all complained quite often about living in Searcy, but I know that we would all tell you that our relationships with each other and our Fellowship families are what make that small dinky town so great!

My friend Erin (the one I have my arm around)and I were talking one night during my trip about the unique longing that comes with being in limbo between completions and new beginnings. Do you often feel as though you long for the last place you know you had purpose? While in school, I would always long to return to Albany, GA where I would participate in my summer internship. Now that I have graduated, I long to be back in Searcy with all my friends. I miss looking for things to do on a Friday night and ALWAYS settling on a good movie marathon in my room. I miss going to that gas station outside of Searcy with an old friend or two for breakfast. I miss walking to Midnight Oil and catching up on that book I never finished next to the semi-frosted window pane. I miss the excitement that came when we got to go to Little Rock and then the comfort of returning to the stop lights of Searcy where I would be the only one behind the line. Boy do I really want that small town feel again. I am so glad that I got a taste of it this weekend, but I guess from now on I will just have to live it up in my mind here in Dothan...unless I think someone might need a good laugh and then I might let them in on my little mental secret. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Congratulations Jen and Chris!!!

*Thanks to Jessica Medlin for the photos*

Trying New Things

2009-08-10T22:14:00.007-05:00

You may ask yourself how this picture is related to the title of this entry. That is a valid question, but I must warn you that the answer comes with a challenge. The story behind this picture and the following pictures has to do with a monotonous trip that Gracie and I took from Albany, GA to Dothan, AL about three weeks ago. I have always wanted to see a sunflower field. My eyes fill with tears every summer when I see the stunning images of the ones displayed for the public in France during the famous cycling tour that it has hosted over the last 100 years. Well, this particular day was the day that Gracie and I got to do things that we had never done before. As we were driving along jamming out to the ipod, I suddenly (and safely) pulled the car over to the side of the road and began scrambling to get Gracie and my camera out of the car as quickly as possible.

What caught my eye was unbelievable and stunning. You see two years ago when I ended my summer internship for the second time with no thought of returning, I began my usually predictable trip back home. On the way to Dothan, I became overwhelmed by my grief for the ending of my internship and cried out to God with a question of healing. It was a moment later that I drove past a sunflower field on my left. I have never seen that field since until this particular day. Gracie and I proceeded to illegally approach this field and take pictures.

Afterwards, we were so elated with the spirit of spontoneity that we made an afternoon of it. We then traveled to her grandparents to pick up her younger brother, Spence, and her cousin, Davis. We stopped and had lunch on their farm and rode golf carts until Gracie and I's died and had to be pushed back to its resting spot. Then we drove onwards to Dothan, but we had to do one more thing. Be in two places at once.

Gracie, Spence, and Davis all stradled the state line of Georgia and Alabama while cars zoomed past at rather uncomfortable distances. It was the spirit of adventure in their eyes that I will not soon forget. To see them do something they have yet to imagine was incredible. Was it small and cliche'? Maybe, but we took time to do it and to reflect on the fact that we did it. I have decided to try new things while in this distracted town of Dothan. I am currently in a cake decorating class that sends challenge through my veins and business hope in my heart. Next I hope to try Zumba, yoga, and dance classes at a local church. Other things are around the corner I just know it. The last four years have been spent perfecting things that I have always been good at, but now I want to add to my sense of adventure. I want to breathe fire into my senses and mold my heart when it becomes soft by one of those new things that I venture to pass or fail at.

This is not all about fun and games you see. I want to gain new experiences so that I can pass them on to those who never tried them. I want to be the third party to their sense of adventure and be the guest in the gallery of molded hearts in the end. I can't wait to round myself out a bit, but also meet others whose heart's joy will change the stranger dreaming on the couch of monotony. So here I go...the next cake boss. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

History of Endurance

2009-08-09T11:05:00.003-05:00

Ever since I was a junior in high school, I have been enthralled with the world of cycling. I saw Lance Armstrong put on the yellow jersey for the sixth time in his cycling career and found my heart on a bike of its own before my body ever tried. Shortly after that defining love for me, I went to St. Louis to meet my new niece Sydney. There I got to hang out with my stellar stepsister and her husband, Marc. I mentioned to Marc of my new love and that was when it all truly began.

Marc took me to a bike shop that his brother-in-law owned and had me fitted for the type of bike I would need when I was ready to buy one. We talked about different races that I could do and what it would take for me to prepare for such a grueling task on someone who has never done this sort of sport. As we dreamed and talked about all the ins and outs of cycling, an embarassing thought occurred to me...I had never ridden a bike with the brakes on the handle bars. So I sheepishly divulged this fact to Marc and my step-brother, Jamey. The next thing I knew the three of us were on brake handle bikes and riding through the corn fields in the suburbs of St. Louis. I was in love with the sport! I tried to prepare over the next six months for a race that would occur in my future college town, but missed one day with sickness and never rode the same again.

So you see and understand now why it is that this photo above is not so strange for someone like me. My best friend, Rae, and I were on our way to Houston, TX when I spotted this beauty on the back of a cycler's truck. I trailed him for 45 mins doing 80 mph just to stare and get a picture of course. So what do I do now since that unfortunate loss? I still watch or listen rather to the Tour de France yearly and occassionally ride on the flat roads of my neighborhood, but struggle to remain comfortable in something I once found as a gifted challenge.

I also have a rich history of racing in my dad. Growing up he used to race marathons, decathons, triathalons, or 5Ks monthly. My mother loved the world of exercise and sport, but had a delightful love for the sport, you guessed it, cycling. My dad still has a love for the sport of running and cycling, but does not participate competitively anymore. Yesterday, my dad informed me that his bike ride that morning lasted an hour and half with fourteen miles under his belt. I was so jealous. I used to be able to do half that and enjoy it, but now I can't ride ten minutes without thinking that the sun was sent to kill me that day. My dad kindly reminded me that he has a long history of endurance and that I don't, but I will. You see Daddy and I have decided as long as I am here in Dothan to race together this coming October in one of the local 5Ks. Stupid on my part? Maybe, but I get to build up an endurance that I have never expereienced and do it all under the instruction of one of the best sportsman I have known.

History of endurance is important for anyone. It's not just physical anymore. It is also mental. Daddy and I talked yesterday about how to create endurance in the mind while gaining endurance with your body. I find myself thinking, "Why is this so hard? or I am just going to stop doing this and say that I did." I think that the physical part is a piece of cake compared to the battle of conditioning that occurs within my head during my short daily runs. Do you find it hard to control your mind when you are trying to accomplish something great? I know I do. Controlling and filtering the lies from the warning signs of danger ahead is extremely difficult. Paul and James both say a great deal about the conditioning of the mind and soul while trying to accomplish the great goals of the Christian life. I think maybe I should start to head those calls to greatness within and let the greatness on the outside take care of itself. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile minute; hope to catch you on the next mile quite literally!

So Maybe it Struck a Cord....

2009-08-06T21:31:00.004-05:00

I have thought and thought since my last post what I would write next, but nothing has truly stuck until now. I have had quite the eventful week. I got a new job working in a delightful scrub shop, punctured my neck with a knitting needle (true story), and had my best friend return to school. I have been strong through every change and event, but tonight I find myself in bed facing reality head on.

I have a purpose here that is invisible and unheard of by anyone joining in this play of life.

During this process, I have often questioned why people would choose to stay in a place that I wouldn't choose to stay. Why not bigger places, different opportunities, different people or more worries, more temptations, etc. How arrogant of me! God could have them in a calling in that place. Or deeper still, who is to say that someone's dream in life is to be in the situation I am in currently? I could be achieving the dream of my neighbor, but without appreciation. Today at work my boss and I discussed the different gifts of those around us that we envy, but came to the conclusion that who is to say that a random conversation with a friend wasn't the one that wrote that song? Who is to say that the note you wrote last week is not the very thing that will lift that person's grades to get into college? Who is to say that the phone call you have been thinking about making would not be welcomed and contain a life changing vision for someone else?

What would happen if we began to live life as if you were constructing it for someone else? Do you think we would take more risks because the things we would do are affecting someone else? Do you think that we would try and shoot for God's will even more than we do for ourselves? The point is that everything we are doing is changing something for someone else's purpose. I have certainly experienced this phenominon. My path to purpose changes constantly because of something someone else did, achieved, or told me in a certain moment.

Please, please don't be afraid to say that one thought or hold back the cup coffee you owe that person any longer. I am living proof that those moments are what can drive a person to an heard of dream and invisible purpose awaiting them in their first stroke of life. Well, I just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

My Little Women

2009-07-26T18:01:00.004-05:00

*Please watch video before proceeding*

You see, to the casual observing eye this looks like a concert. In some opinions, even if you were there it was a concert and the oponions about the fact that this was camp would be similar, but let me guide you through the truth of this video and Bigstuf Camp.

This past week I had the amazing privilege of going to Bigstuf Camps in Daytona, FL with my former youth ministry, Westwood Church. Matt wanted to keep my attendance a surprise and so it was until we were headed out of town and clear out of unexpected arrival's way that my presence was revealed, but that is all beside the point. This camp is unlike any generations before me have ever experienced. We go to Florida, stay in a nice hotel, spend our free time on the beach, and line up three hours outside the doors seperating us from the experience that is unlike any concoction of the mind. Kids begin to line up about two hours before the doors open and about three hours before each session starts just to get good seats. Westwood youth group was no different. We crammed ourselves twice a day in a crowd with 3,000 other high school students and their youth ministers to await the blessed air conditioner and awesome seats on the other side of the giant glass doors.

Once we arrive inside we meet a convention center set up and decorated just to the inspired spirit of the teenager. There is rave music playing in the background before everything begins, a Compassion International booth for the teenagers to pick out a child to sponsor, and a store to purchase Bigstuf memorabilia. But when the lights go down and names like Steve Fee and Chrystina Finch enter the stage the teens' spirit change. At first, they check out the audience that watches their reactions, they receive the excitement that has been built, close their eyes, raise one hand out in front, and bit by bit they deliver themselves before our Lord.

This video was taken on the last night. The last night is usually jammed packed with awesome speakers and lots of worship. This video was taken on the fourth continuous hour of worship on Thursday night. I have the privilege among many to watch my students walk closer to the Lord without looking back to see who is holding their hand. I get to see tham take hold of our Lord and not let go until he whispers his comforts in their ear. I witness freedom happen in the lives of hundreds. This particular night I was able to witness my girls grow into little women. I guess they are not so little anymore. They are full grown women of God. They love him so much. They long to dedicate their vision in life to him. They long for a vision covered in the glory of Jesus Christ.

To see them participate in the celebration of our freedom in Christ with 3,000 others all their age, is something to get up and cheer about. Something to get up and catalyze. I used to think that teenagers are the future of the church, but now I wonder if they are the true version of the church. To worship with such passion and understand Jesus with such a raw heart! What would happen if we gave some of these 3,000 the responsibilities that we youth volunteers hog to ourselves? What if we allowed them to flourish in their visions within our church? I think it would be something to behold and something that could make the rest of us feel like Little Women. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch on the next mile!

Forcing Sabbatical

2009-07-13T08:26:00.002-05:00

"This is the first day of my sabbatical. I am excited and anxious, hopeful and fearful, tired and full of desire to do a thousand things. The coming year stretches out in front of me as a long, open field full of flowers and full of weeds. How will I cross that field? What will I have learned when I finally reach the other end?

I feel strange! Very happy and very scared at the same time. I have always dreamt about a whole year without appointments, meetings, lectures, travels, letters, and phone calls, a year completely open to let something radically new happen. But can I do it? Can I let go of all the things that make me feel useful and significant? I realize that I am quite addicted to being busy and experience a bit of withdrawl anxiety. I have to nail myself to a chair and control those wild impulses to get up and become busy with whatever draws my attention.

But underneath all these anxieties, there is an immense joy. Free at last! Free to think critically, to feel deeply, and to pray as never before. Free to write about the many experiences that I have stored up in my heart and mind during the last nine years. Free to deepen friendships and explore new ways of loving. Free most of all to fight with the Angel of God and ask for a new blessing. The past three months seemed like a steeplechase full of complex hurdles. I have often thought, 'How will I ever make it to September?' But now I am here I have made it, and I rejoice."

-Henri Nouwen Sabbatical Journey:The Diary of His Final Year

I awoke this morning feeling very tired. Tired from what though? I have had a couple of busy days this week, but nothing to create this ache and shiver when my feet touch the carpet this morning. I walked into the living room where as usual my stepmom is up and reading with her second cup of coffee before breakfast. I grabbed my two books that I read daily and set in with sleepy eyes. I read the seventh chapter of Mark. This particular chapter I use to relate to quite a bit. It is the chapter that depicts the style of Jesus' life during his ministry. He was constantly being touched, contacted, crowded, and used. Mark never fails to mention the compassion he took on all these acts, but he is not shy in discussing the importance Jesus practiced for solitude and rest.

I miss my old style of life. Of course it did frequently create times of high stress, tears, bad attitudes, and isolation in the end. Just as Henri Nouwen quoted above I miss the significance of being busy and useful. Even down to the three months he mentions as being a steeplechase has obviously been true for me as well. Yet, deep down I know the reason for my constant conflict. I am not waiting while seeking. It is as if I have lost something and I am only looking briefly in the appropriate locations for that lost item. It is time I relish in this time of rest and celebrate God. But that will come with a price no doubt. It will be misunderstood and it will be challenged by no other than me.

I feel as though I have been put on a forced sabbatical from my idea of comfort (being busy, financially comfortable, with my friends, etc.). It is time to wait and wait in the field not the battlefield depending on the day. There is something brewing on the horizon of this coming September and the year that follows. It could be something tangible or it could be something only I and God will understand. Either way I am only the follower of my life NOT the leader. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile.

Return of the Potter

2009-07-11T08:11:00.006-05:00

Return of the Jedi
*check out the clip before proceeding!

So for the last few days I have been pondering the reasons that the ending to this movie gives me chills everytime I watch it. I recognize that the majority of my entertainment within my childhood was Star Wars. I have an older brother who was the biggest fan of Star Wars you would ever meet. We watched the trilogy just about every weekend, but as kids he watched it for the action and cool alternate world and me? I was busy developing my first hollywood crush on Luke Skywalker, but that is beside the point. My brother loved it so much that my mom once took him to a Star Wars convention somewhere near our hometown. I tell you all that to say that as I got older I began to actually become interested in the plot and facts that support it. I developed an appreciation and dare I say a love for it. In fact, the last movie opened on the same night of my many senior banquets and I skipped the awards part of the banquet to preview the movie with some friends (I think I might regret that today actually). I was and never will be the big fan my brother was and is so why the chills for the ending of the movie?

I also fell in love with Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Twilight. Haven't you ever wondered this fact before? What is it about these books and movies that we connect with to the point of tears when all comes to an end and the puzzle is put together? I have put quite a bit of thought into this and I have decided it is because we feel as though we know the characters. We have grown and learned with them in their stories and have had the chance to parallel what we are learning in real life to what the characters are learning within their given life. I have connected most with the Harry Potter and Star Wars story lines because of my loss of a parent and trials that extend from that. I can relate to the fictional character of Harry when he sits in front of that mirror in the first book and looks on what could have been, but then I celebrate with Luke as he discovers the family he always knew he had. When our beloved characters learn something neither one of us saw coming, we feel close to them as we process the details of the situation as they do. We eventually are able to predict how they will react and what they plan to do.

When I saw the rendition of the ending to Return of the Jedi, I teared up because I was finally able to understand Luke's character and the power of a person's understanding of his or herself within the realm of the bigger picture. It is also funny because we also develop different ideas of the scary and dangerous as the character does. Last night, Gracie, Amy, and I watched the first of the Harry Potter movies to usher in the upcoming new movie. As I was watching and putting the pieces together in my head with the final book I had just reread, I considered how not scary that his situations were in the first book at age 11 compared to his situations in the seventh book at age 18. But when I saw the first movie and read the first book the troll was scary and the face of Voldemort was even more terrifying. Again, my ideas of danger and tragedy have changed along with Harry's.

When we have read books that have served the purpose of showcasing someone's story, we latch on to them because we want the chance to not grow alone. We have the chance to watch the intimate details of someone's story as we experience our own intimate moments in privacy. I am not sure that any of this is going to add any wisdom or comfort to your life after reading it, but I just find it interesting that we are so thirsty to be a part of someone even if they are not real. Can you imagine the significance and irony we would experience when we have invested in those around us like we do in these characters? We would see the fruits of God's will and the love that he poured into each relationship we had. We would have the privilege of growing with those relationships as they experience the intimate moments in a life filled with God. Just a thought. I would love to hear anybody's personal theories on the trilogy phenomenon through comments or real life discussions! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Purposefully Weary

2009-07-02T22:30:00.002-05:00

I have waited almost a full week to respond to my latest possibility. I wanted to give everyone in the interview process some respect before spewing my experience's result. Do you ever replay past conversations in your head or out loud? Yeah, me niether...this conversation needed several playbacks. The interview I had recently did not go well as I had hoped. It was nothing that was inflicted except that I lacked the time frame the employer wanted me to have. In light of that deficiency, she got rather upset and spoke before reflection. Needless to say I am not sure that it is going to work out. I left rather exhausted and hurt, again. Believe me I am trying to grow thick skin for the job hunting process, but for it to be thick it takes time.

For some time now, I have tried very hard to become a tough servant for Christ. Not rough, but tough rather. I have always had this childlike dream of being a warrior or hero of sorts. As I have gotten older, it has evolved into the desire to be a warrior on Christ's behalf. I learned a few years ago from some trusted spiritual directors that you must remain tough and fueled by compassion that is a direct result of love. I just don't appreciate the process of developing this thick skin the world now requires as a basic accessory in the closet of life. When Michael Jackson first passed away, I was sad for the person who had such an impact on our culture, but did not think much about it past that. Ever since then I have become very agitated by the air time that his death explanations have been receiving. It seems each day as I flip through channels to find some news I hear something different about Michael. As that has happened, I have developed more and more compassion on the man that we are so quick to judge and scorn.

Yes, there were things that he may or may not have done in his lifetime that I did not agree with in the slightest, but think about it in this perspective that was presented to me by a pastor recently. What if we had the privilege of hearing or seeing a conversation between Michael and our Lord at any point throughout his life? Do you think that we would think of him differently and develop more compassion toward the person he wanted to be and became? As I have been thinking about the accessory of thick skin this past week, I have thought of Michael. He has had a lifetime to develop such a trait and never could develop it fast enough before something else would scar him. I did not intend on this post becoming a tribute to the King of Pop, but rather a tribute to the thick skin that seems to protect me faster than any arm I could throw up. Christ has jumped in front of me constantly and consistently for 22 years. I am tough because I have had the privilege to watch him do so in person. I have had the chance to observe the intimacy between my Lord and those I love and those I have never met on numerous occassions. I have had the chance to be humbled by the humaness that we all share. The struggle we all partake in for purpose. But not just any purpose, but our purpose that no one else can fulfill.

With that said, I must confess that I am purpose weary. I am back to square one and for the first time admit that maybe Nashville is not it. Maybe that is not where the Spirit is leading and with that said, I am terrified of the next turn. I fear that what I do now is not enough for where I am suppose to be. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile right where I am suppose to be!

Dr. Smith's Ethics

2009-06-25T22:26:00.004-05:00

Last fall as a part of my undergraduate program at Harding, I was required to take an ethics class. I don't remember a whole lot during that class except that keeping Heather Mitchell awake next to me was more vital to our whole table's chance of staying out of the stern gaze of Dr. Smith himself. It seems though that since this job search has begun his ethics lessons drilled a hole into my subconscious and harvested a few bits of knowledge. I have found that people can become branded and wilted from being in certain areas of the work force. There have been a couple of times that I have been asked to not really lie, but more "ice things over". I understand that their intentions were not to seem this way, but where I grew up "icing over" was a slippery slope into punishment. I was taught that avoiding the truth or fact was wrong and dishonest. Your subconscious can become jaded after so many years of learning what people need to hear and teaching what people want to hear.

I am returning to Nashville yet again on a glimmer of hope that I have yet to acknowledge. I am afraid, that's right, afraid to put my hopes on the line again. As Regina told her bible study, it is rather a win win situation that God has designed this time. Is it really though? Who is winning other than me? Who will benefit other than me? I have continually tried to be honest with myself about my purpose for going to Nashville. I told Regina within that same conversation that I never thought that I would ever intentionally and consciously value honesty, but now I do from those around me and from the spirit within me. Honesty is the best policy because it is through revealing the reality of the good and the bad that those who are asking for the results of honesty are learning to love you. To really love you. Not just like you for what they perceive, but what they know and what they hope in you in light of those realities.

Will this be the lead that I follow? Who knows except the One I speak all my concerns to and no that isn't always my six best friends. God and I were talking the other day and I told him something he has been trying to teach me for a very long time and will be our sole basis for a growing relationship for the rest of my life and that is this: When I took your name, your Spirit, and your Son I chose to follow in my own life and lead those who want to follow what it is I am. I am not the leader in my own life, but the follower. As the wise writer of the famous Walt Disney film Peter Pan, I am following the leader, the leader. I am following the leader where ever he may go...Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

2009-06-19T18:21:00.003-05:00

I felt that this picture was the only one that currently represents my spirit toward God most appropriately. I just received a job recently that has turned out to not be my ultimate dream job, but the dream job for a 22 year old creativist (nobody go and make theology out of that word please...). I get to bake, wrap, and listen to chill music all day long. The best part? The environment is in a house built in the sixties. Believe me for someone like me who drinks atmosphere, this is heaven. Last night my best friend, Heather, lovingly and naively makes the comment, "I can't believe you are going to be home for the summer." Normally that comment would just be a sign from her that she is excited and affirming my decisions, but here is why it was said in such absent knowledge. I leaned over only minutes after her comment and checked my e-mail. Within my e-mail, was the offer I was waiting for last week, a month ago, or even last semester.

I got offered the opportunity to hope for a well-endowed future in Nashville. I still must be beckoned to an interview and approved through some activity trials, but here it is right in front of me. The possible moment I have been waiting for and I responded with fear and tears. The two best friends and signs of any human being. The job is being a nanny to one child. The hours are long, but do-able for someone in my position and the pay is beyond what I would ever ask for, but why am I questioning it and wishing it had ever come to my e-mail address? I don't get it. God blesses me here and then he blesses me 500 miles away and then expects me to choose both for now and then choose one or the other not long after that. My parents were incredibly supportive of this opportunity so I expressed my interest and so rollith the ball of chance.

Maybe I am afraid of putting hope into this move after so much let down. Maybe I am baffled by the way things have panned out. Or maybe I am just happy to be settled at home. I would have never found this joy for home most likely earlier in life, but now I am. For someone who does not like change much, this mindset, location, and heart change is difficult. Don't get me wrong I do want to live in Nashville, but I want my heart to be prepared and this time it wasn't. The thing that it was prepared for was accepting defeat for now and nuzzle in at home. God thinks otherwise and thus was born the creeper "really!" face you see above staring at you. I am speaking of this change and chance as though it is in my pocket and I must clarify and process that it is not. Many chances have walked their way by my door and have not even bothered to stay for tea. It will only be a matter of time before we see whether this one will behave with the same rudeness or come in for a long-term stay. I guess I better get out the milk and sugar just to be prepared. Except this time no matter what happens, I plan to have tea guests already. Ones that will never leave me, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. O Lord, prepare my heart and create healing in such a wake of change. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Thin Places

2009-06-16T22:59:00.004-05:00

So doorways have opened and new characters have been ushered into the story. That is right I finally got a job. It is part time at a local southern hospitality store in Dothan. Let me answer your leading question before you mouth it toward the computer screen. Nashville is still on the map. I certainly have not given up on that dream, but God has flung open a door and some windows for the time being in another direction. The truth is that Nashville is just a bit too far out of my reach this very literal second, but tomorrow is a new day that leads to new weeks whenever Nashville is ready to welcome me in.

Yesterday morning I awoke literally thinking that this could be the day that things begin to change. I got dressed for a new day of job hunting and recieved a phone call of desperation for help in a local store. It is the first time I had been offered a job I had no experience at and was hired anyway. I couldn't believe it. I was talking to my best friend, Regina, about it hours later becuase of our common game of phone tag and I came to a new place in my mind. I can do whatever I choose. I can now see from this spot that I truly am in a position to explore and reach out in the world. My oh so insiginificant situation was blinding for a short time. I have no doubt that this transition is not over and far from finished, but there is hope on the horizon or better yet blinding of another kind.

I accepted that my reaching out does not have to be stable or final. I have been trying new things from day one when I arrived in a packed car across the Tennessee line. I am doing unheard of things by going six hours back and forth. Venturing to Georgia for respite and then finally landing something in AL for now. God is doing something amazing, I can sense it just the slightest bit. I think about my possibilities and my desires to compare. They seem so vast and outlandish. When I arrive in these contemplative moods, I often drift to thinking of a close friend of mine that is currently somewhere in the Congo of Africa. His heart has thirsted beyond his own means for those people and now he is touching them for the first time.

Ryan is one of many that I have come in contact with that has his possibilities and dreams lining up in the harmonious river of the Spirit. Ironic as that statement is it is full of such truth. The evidence? Meet him and then you will know. As I have searched, failed, rised, and stepped out repeatedly, I have thought of him stepping off the plane onto the soil of Africa and finding one of the many "thin places" that his dreams and God's possibilities meet. Where are yours? Where are mine? Maybe mine are never meant to stay the same, but accumulate. I think I am right where I must be in this minute and second quite literally. I cannot speak for tomorrow's thin place, but for now I have arrived. I am told that I write heavy, but I must say that the beauty of God and his works are heavy and result in becoming light. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Reality does not always bite..sometimes it can hug too!

2009-06-11T13:11:00.004-05:00

So last night was sad. It was the last night of VBS, but also time for me to depart from my convent of the week. It is always sad for me to leave Albany. I am always right on schedule when tears flow at the thought of nothing else delaying my leave. I only live two hours away and it isn't like I am never coming back, but it seems as though everytime I ago a new experience happens that sadly comes with an end. Last night was especially hard because Matt and Tammy's daughter and my butterfly, Emerson, was ready to go to the house for bed. She looked in my direction and beckoned me with her cute chubby hand and said, "Jennifer, you come home with me?" I had to answer sadly that I wouldn't be coming this time as I had all the previous nights. I cried, Tammy cried, and Emerson was puzzled.

Within the context of my situation, being in Albany free of care and responsibility was, well, freeing. I love to laugh and it never fails that a combination of reminiscing, old friends, and old jokes will get those abs of mine in a knot.
I just wanted to come and write to you guys about the joy of living scripture. I have only ever seen people live out scripture once or twice in my life. This week was my turn. It is funny the things God can do to get you hooked on his written wisdom. I have always believed that God's word is alive, but to experience adds to that piece of truth. I guess we are always living and breathing scripture, but to have your eyes opened to it is, to me, so much more eye opening than any sunset or piece of art could ever inspire. If you are out there in the reality of this economy and looking for a place to belong among those who are working or studying, I encourage you to seek God here in the reality of this Psalmist's situation:

Monday:
Psalm 16:1-4

Tuesday:
Psalm 16:5-8

Wednesday:
Psalm 16:9-11

Well, thanks Albanians for such a great piece of summer bliss. Love you guys! I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to see you on the next mile!

House of Refuge...

2009-06-09T13:59:00.009-05:00

Where am I now? Nashville, Dothan, Searcy, Africa? Nope I am in my growing corner, Albany, GA. I came to visit here on Sunday afternoon and possibly spend the night, but it has turned into a three day refuge. I needed to get my head straight and I needed to do it immediately. This seems to be the only place things have ever seemed to make sense. My job, my relationships, my purpose. I decided to seek refuge with two of my mentors. Almost a contemporary convent if you will. Why Albany? This is the place that I have been the last three summers in a youth internship. Most people that live in Albany want out. Me? i just keep coming back and finding myself.

I have been reflecting, journaling, and digging into God's word faster and deeper than I have in almost two years. Matt has a hammock that he purchased in Honduras last summer. I rigged it up in the back yard yesterday and spent almost four hours out there in a cycle of silence, deliverance, anger, and hope. I focused on scriptures that have been given to me along the pathway. My prayer in my current state of searching for significance is this:
"Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch GOD do his work of salvation for you today." -Exodus 14:13
"I will bless the Lord who gives me counsel. My heart teaches me night after night. I have set the Lord before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not fall."-Psalm 16:7-8
The first verse is so important to me because sometimes I pray for deliverance and wonder if deliverance is what I need. Is that truly necessary for me now? This journey certainly has made me feel as though I am the man on the side of the road that the Samaritan man looks on with pity. I feel beaten, bruised, and occassionally abandoned by our God, but know that it is not true. My heart knows it is not true, but my head has been filled with such believable lies. Thankfully at this moment in time my Samaritans have looked down on me with love and given me some refuge of understanding. I am nearing the end of this healing sabbatical. I look forward to returning home to my amazing parents with new knowledge and refreshed ideas of what will be next. Now, I just need to find that knowledge and refreshed concept of plans. God is daily teaching me to live in the moment and love the ones you're with for they may not be here tomorrow. That is my purpose now and forevermore.

I have realized that I have always wondered what I would be like without responsibility and titles. I guess in God's way I am receiving those answers. Sometimes I do not like what I see and sometimes I find a thrill in what God can actually do with nothing. Seek me and find me O Lord for I am in need of an adjustment in my goals. Maybe it is time to better those around me rather than seeking things that better just me. Ever since I made the decision to go to Harding for my benefit, I guess I never stopped basing my decisions on me as the baseline. Curious? Yes. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Tammy Matthews and I at a Reds vs. Pirates game...

Matt Matthews and I in Honduras...

Nervous Insomnia

2009-06-05T23:21:00.005-05:00

This picture was taken when I went to Honduras with Westwood Church last summer. I saw it in the city of Tegucigalpa. I saw it and thought immediately of my boss who spends his time trying to keep all of his electronic contraptions from becoming one of the sights you see above. So what does it have to do with the title of this particular entry? I was looking through my pictures at the late hour of 11:20 tonight trying to find one that depicted the nervous insomnia that I am feeling.

I started experiencing nervous insomnia when I got into youth ministry. Many different things happen in ministry. Some you can control and some you can't. Some good and some bad. I tended to experience this with the bad that were in my reach and out of my reach. As a result, I would find myself spending long nights in a recliner with two frozen waffles dissappearing before my eyes. I think Honduras was actually the last time that I had one of these annoying inconveniences. They seem to come about when big things are happening that I just can't explain or control. So here I am on the evening that I return from my third trip to Nashville, completely wide eyed ready to wake with the birds. I don't think that the lack of sleep is coming from things that are going wrong, but rather something that is going right under the surface. Nothing is going right above ground, mind you, so all of this is occurring deep deep within. All seemingly familiar six hours of my trip were spent chewing on several things. So I will share them with you.

I spent a good portion of my down-non-seeking job time with an old friend of my stepsister's and her husband. They live in the Nashville area and graciously offered me a place to stay. I had a blast staying with them. They are a couple that finds such joy in the idea and reason for life. They do not have kids, but if they could voice their opinion through my words they would say that they indeed do have kids. Three of them in fact all short, hairy, and in love with their parents. In addition to the three pups, they also have a very cool habitat of 2 rabbits, 2 chinchilas, 2 turtles, and 3 (?) guinea pigs. Anyway, I loved them all, but especially with my little LuLu. This was the third dog that Ashley and Rick adopted after they were married. She is a gorgeous lab mix that has ESP as Rick would put it.

LuLu silently spoke to my heart and emotions all week. If I were to come back to the house and seem sad, she would lay with me or lick me on the cheek. We had a bond from day one and now on night three, I miss her. Sometimes I wish I had a human being such as LuLu that could sense my underlying feelings and explain them to me through actions. Sounds familiar I suppose to exactly as Jesus tried to depict the human life in a way that could be felt other than what we were told. I loved spending time with Ashley and Rick not only because they had cool pets and they themselves were wonderful to be around, but they showed me that life could be lived in other ways than I had been telling myself. They reminded me why I actually chose Nashville in the first place.

Ashley and Rick find life and energy in the opportunities around them even the ones that don't make sense. Risk was the word that frequent my mind throughout the week and on my drive home today. What is risk anyway? Isn't everything a risk because nothing is a garauntee? So I ask myself all day, are you full of risk or not? Sometimes I would say that I am and others I wouldn't. It is a risk in and of itself for me to move to Nashville, but I am not doing it right away without boundaries. So in lies my question.

The other thing that I was forced to paunder was the idea of living life as I desired. What is it that I want to do that will not be seemingly possible when the life I ultimately want comes about? Where do I want to go that could be hindered by someone else's dreams? Rick and Ashley have certainly sought and continue to catch the things that they would like to do in their lives. In fact, Ashley just ran her first half marathon this past April and Rick is going to one of his dream mountains in July just to climb to the mystery awaiting him at the top. One of my dreams is to move to Nashville and see what its small corners and crevices have to offer me as lessons. But at certains times during this whole process, I have felt as though I am running that first half marathon right up a mountain that whispers clues to its mysteries. Maybe slowing down and realizing that running the marathon is conditioning me for the climb and I shouldn't be doing both.

It is amazing the words that will flow from someone as tired as I feel. Now the only dreams I want to discuss are the ones at the top of the mountain of my REM cycle in about 20 minutes. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Learning Myself Part 2

2009-05-27T09:55:00.006-05:00

On Wednesday of last week, I decided I would go visit my great Aunt Arlene. This is an aunt that looks and smells just like my grandmother. I truly did not know who she was until I was about the age of 10. I asked Bama who her neighbor was and she then told me of her dear sister Arlene. They were always very close in location and in spirit. As my grandmother described this magical woman, I knew I had to meet her. So my cousin and I sauntered over to her yard and introduced ourselves as if we had always known each other. We were then invited to come and play in her house with some dolls she had made. That was just the beginning of learning this creative and artsy aunt of mine.

I had forgotten over the years that one summer day spent at her house until last week. She invited me in unannounced on my part. She hung up the phone with my Aunt Bebe and explained that Bebe had just spent an hour telling her about my visit with her the day before. My great aunt who is gracefully in her 80's got a look on her face that could have out shined a child on Christmas morning. "Bebe tells me you like depression glass." I hit the family soft spot once again and got a tour of my Aunt Arlene's depression glass collection. Each piece did not come without a story or a gasp from my mouth. There were pieces that were given to my Great Grandmother when my Aunt Arlene was born. There were pieces that were given to her from all sorts of people in her life from years past. It turns out though that my Aunt Arlene decorates with intention just like someone else I know. Every piece of art hanging on the wall had either been done by her or someone she knew. Pictures, blankets, bags, dolls, and even chairs were all created with great love and passion by her and her husband. My Aunt Arlene had a gift for the arts. Once the revival tour had ended, we leaned against the sink near a bright window looking out at her back garden and wheat field. We talked about her childhood and growing up with four girls in the house. She told me the story of Granny's house across the street, the land that our family now lives on, and of course stories of my grandparents that are now on her shoulders to tell.

She told me about days now when she can look out the window and picture my grandparent's car pulling out from their driveway on Friday afternoons going to their favorite restaurant about an hour away. She dreams of those days when she would bake pies and take them to Bama to be scrutinized and shared. She reminisced about the days when they would plant flowers and hang laundry up together. The most special story she shared with me was about a snowy day in their childhood. My grandmother and her sisters grew up very very poor. On Christmas, they would receive one toy and an orange and that was what they knew as a terrific holiday. My great grandfather was a farmer and rented a small piece of land not far from the land that now resides in our family. One day they got snowed into their house. My great grandmother took every dress and coat in the house and covered up all four girls, grabbed a shovel and dug with my great grandfather out in the snow. She got pneumonia that day and never really seemed to be the same. She described the anticipation the sisters would have at waiting for their father to return from the store with food and medicine. Not long after this tough time, my grandfather was able to purchase the land that our family now owns and had great pride in it. My Aunt Arlene told me with tears in her eyes that her father wanted more than anything to buy the little piece of land that they rented up on the hill, but was not able to. "I remember that being the only time ever seeing Daddy cry."

I teared up at hearing the background and tough times that my family came from. In a matter of minutes, I became so grateful for the trip that we had to Virginia and the family that I had left. In a few months, my dad is going to return to Virginia to look into selling my Papa and Bama's home that they lived in for so long. My Aunt Arlene and I were able to shed some tears at the possible loss of such a beautiful emblem that does not seem to mean much to my generation. I wish I were in the time of life to buy that house, but I am not. I can only pray that there will be a small promising family that can buy it and bring the sense of family that my grandparents once dreamed of. It is amazing the way that your past can exist far beyond the years you have. It is cool to think that I am one of four best culminations of family history. I don't want the cool stories or traits to end with me. I would like to continue a past for my future children. I hope that this move to Nashville is the next best step to doing just that. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Learning Myself

2009-05-21T17:58:00.011-05:00

L to R: Bama, Granny, and Aunt Joyce; Aunt Arlene and Aunt Bebe

This past week has been quite a surprising gift. In light of my Papa's passing, I got to learn more about myself in relation to my family this week then I have seeking over the last 21 years. My older cousin Wayne is what we call the family storyteller. He has numerous touching and embarrassing stories on every member of our family. I was able to spend some precious time standing near my cousin Wayne as he vividly described heated arguments and battles over Rook and Croquet games between my Papa and his brothers. Another historical story among our family is how Papa, Bama, my Uncle Lynn, and Aunt Barbara would take these wild vacations only to return with brand new cars purchased by my grandfather and great uncle. The night of the viewing my brother and I reconvened to reflect on these wild stories about our beloved Papa. We both agreed that those stories did not describe our quiet and simple Papa. All of my memories of Papa are surrounded around a man that was quiet, simple, laid back, and level headed unless extremely tested. These stories we heard described a man that was more like me. I couldn't believe my ears as he was described as a temper exercised, social expert, and seasoned traveler.

The next day my brother and I went to see our great Aunt Bebe and Uncle Waverly. My Aunt and Uncle are a part of what I call old southern. Virginia is not quite the deep southern Alabamians know, but it is the original southern of colonial times. Their phrases are sophisticated summations and abbreviations. Their accents are elegant southern that take you back to scenes of Gone With the Wind. Sometimes I find myself understanding their foreign phrases and other times being confused at my uncle's thick elegant wording. Anyway I digress. Ever since I was young I always remember Uncle Waverly owning dogs and raising something in an egg only to immediately kill it. This trip enlightened me on that whole bird murdering issue. It comes about that my Uncle Waverly has raised bird dogs as a hobby and a living. My Aunt Bebe aids him when she can and finds great pride in her award winning pups, especially when they beat Uncle Waverly's. These dogs have won national awards for their retrieval and pointing skills. It also comes out that many famous people have come to him for the prime duck hunting experience. This trip explained my dad's love for dog training and hunting.

As my brother and uncle continued to discuss dogs and outdoor life, my Bebe (i.e. the woman at the top of the above picture) snuck me off to go through our family's depression glass collection. I fell in love immediately. The glass: breath taking and the stories behind each piece: beautiful. I touched things my great grandmother touched and gasped at the beauty of the same items my grandmother once found fancy with as well. I had a new hobby that afternoon. Bebe gave me a generous gift to start my collection. My whole worldview was changed by my choosing a pitcher that once belonged to my great grandmother (i.e. the woman in the middle of the above picture).

I was dumbfounded to learn of so much love and personality in my family. To hear that my Bama used to argue with her sisters until she was greater in age. To find that our families have lived within feet of each other on land that has been in our family for almost 100 years was magical to me. I didn't grow up knowing that type of history. Don't get me wrong I have loved my childhood in Alabama, but I knew there was always something missing; living and breathing heritage. I physically touched my history and the inspiration for my being. I heard stories that sounded more like my experiences and loves in life than people I barely knew. "There are more out there like me", was the weird phrase that kept scrolling through my brain. Taste and see the beauty of life if you have grown up with your heritage in reach. Realize what you have is rare and that it is not easily attained once forgotten.

To be continued...Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

He Never Saw...

2009-05-14T15:56:00.004-05:00

I am not sure why this is my first place to come in this instance, but here I am as raw as I can be. My Papa passed away about 20 minutes ago. I am not real sure what to feel first. I hurt for my daddy and what he must be thinking on the plane right now. My dad and aunt made the decision to put Papa on a Hospice program about three months ago and as expected his health declined. My Aunt Kim called Daddy exactly 24 hours ago and told daddy that he should fly up immediately as Papa was showing signs of an active death. Daddy wants to speak at Papa's funeral because it is his only way to prove and honor the man that dad so longs to become.

You see my grandmother passed away just a little over a year ago. She and my Papa were as close as anyone had ever seen a marriage blossom. To lose her in his world was like living on earth without the sky. We knew the moment that she passed he would want to rejoin her as soon as he could pray for the Lord to take him. I am extremely sad to my Papa go because he never got to see me in my graduation gown or talk to me that day because the nature of his health was so terrible. Daddy says he knows that I called because he was able to listen to my message over and over, but not able to dial a phone and respond. It breaks my heart to know that there are long awaited events that he will never be able to see to their fullness. I have been talking a lot lately about a gift God has recently brought to my attention. It is one that has a lot of restarts and beginnings, but no endings. It is the nature of that gift to never see things to their fullness or end. Such is life that I have come to find.

He never got to see and neither did she. My grandmother's passing is what threw me into a pit that I exited not too long ago. I pray that this event does not induce the same. I actually think that this could induce a great amount of joy and excitement among my family to know the reunion that my grandfather must be having with my grandmother. They loved so deeply that it created a landslide that people are willingly riding to find such a love that they shared. Their love abounded the example that Christ perfectly displayed for us. I have never seen it more genuinely practiced than between my grandparents. They never saw the wisdom and longing that their relationship created, but maybe that is how it should always be. Us never knowing. I miss my Papa a great deal already, but he is now doing the one thing he ALWAYS did well, loving my grandmother. As a grandfather, I will miss his seriousness and unusual love for Klondike bars, but the rest I am having the blessing of observing between my parents and my Daddy with his grandchildren. I hope that I made him proud by graduating college with his name on my diploma and no one elses. I am a Martin and it is that that he saw come to fruition; potentially great things in his name. I love you Papa!!!

So it Came and Went

2009-05-11T13:53:00.003-05:00

I am finally and officially done with college! Hopefully I am not done with my education, but I am done with the most foundational step of my future. So now what am I doing? Well, I am currently residing in my home in Dothan, AL until further notice. I am searching anxiously for a job in Nashville while I am here. Saturday was such a surreal experience. When all the names had been called and diploma covers given, the crowd went nuts. All I could do in the midst of such praise was laugh and cry at the same time. I looked around at the crowd of about 6,000 and saw my family, my best friends, my mentors, and club members stand in the honor of my work over the last four years. Afterward, we celebrated with the best of people in the home of the Shipman's. Again, I looked around and thought to myself, "Who am I to have all these cool people love me and celebrate with me?" I felt such a swell in my heart on Saturday. This was the first day in almost three months that I did not let the taunting anxieties of the future bother me or consume me. They were not aloud to touch my moment of complete achievement and loving bliss.

It is true that I am sitting in a place I never planned to arrive. My stay is uncertain and so is my job. I am in a place that shows no sign of destiny or purpose, but this is a change that I welcome. God is doing something under the surface of my heart; I can feel it. For me to state it with feeling, is quite the healing stage for me. There was one point this year where I didn't feel much nor did I care much. God has delivered me from that pit of dwelling for now until he decides I must go back to my desert to produce more harvest. I can feel his progress for once and be hopeful on a small level. Do I have that peace I once described desiring? No way, but peace isn't always a sign of hope or success. I think God pushes some of us through that lack of peace and serenity. Peace like a river, haha really isn't peaceful unless it is dry. I do not want to be dry. I have already been there and do not plan to go back, but then again obviously you can't plan.

My best friend, Jen, told me recently during one of my panic attacks about life that she believed that Satan was distracting me. "With worry, I know," was my immediate response. But her intent was more than I expected. "It isn't just worry," she said, "it is worry about the wrong things." She went on to explain that I have not even given one ounce of thought to the fact that I not only have a job or home yet but that they pale in comparison to the fact that I do not have a large support system there, a church family, or anyone to disciple me. "Those are the things that matter." God can provide all those things and more, but I must stop seeking him in the basics of life and seek him in the basics of purpose. In giving me a job, he might give me a ministry or a boss that will disciple me. In giving me a great home, he might provide an awesome support system and friends. There is so much more than what the world tells you to perceive about the after party of college. Just as there was more to perceive when looking at my support system in that house on Saturday. Was I blood related to everyone in that house? No, but they all provided for me at some point as if I were. Did they all raise me from birth? No, but they raised me from one step to the next to now. Did they all know each other? Nope, but they all bring out things they love in me. I think I have learned more about this wild journey in the last three days than I have seeking in the last three months. Oh the wonders of it all! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Ashes...

2009-05-04T11:02:00.003-05:00

So I have heard over the last few days about an unsettling topic that was discussed during Harding's chapel this past Wednesday. I did not give it much thought until this morning when I downloaded it from Itunes. If you are interested in the context of my following responses, go to Itunes store and click on Harding University Chapel- Spring 2009 and it is the last entry under Audio.

I weep for there to be ashes of the church so that it may rise up once again with a face that we should know so well. This was my initial response to the words of this man whom has taught at Harding for a sum of fifty years. I do think that Mr. Allen is the eptimey of the Nehemiah 4:13-14 verse that says, "So I stationed armed gaurds at the most vulnerable places of the wall and assigned people by families with their swords, lances, and bows. After looking things over I stood up and spoke to the nobles, officials, and everyone else" "Don't be afraid of them. Put your minds on the Master, great and awesome, and then fight for your brothers, your sons, ,and your daughters, and your wives, and your homes." There was a time when some of the things that our heritage holds needed to be fought for within the Christian faith, but here is the news bulletin...THAT TIME HAS PAST.

There are new things to fight for, such as, those out there that don't look like us or act like us. Similarity is not evidence for righteousness and love. Who told our ancestors that? Even our relationships with Christ will not be the same. If anyone is uncomfortable with diversity and the newness that growth must bring, then you are in the wrong crowd. Do we quickly forget that Christ resembled none of what we know physically, mentally, or dare I say theologically? We try, but will never reach what God fully understands because we need Him first and only rather than his product. His product and his ripple on this world was the church, but we need him now more than ever to understand why it is we need the community that we call church. My wise father once told me in one of our discussions that we the church rely too much on Paul's teachings. We often use Paul's example and teaching far more than Christ and forget to relate those back to where Paul graciously received his knowledge.

Another thing I have learned along my walk among the theologians before us, is that you cannot use words to encompass whole ideas. The following thought was made by my friend, Michael Wright. "You cannot use the word postmodernism to cover all that you don't agree with." Postmodernism is dangerous do not get me wrong, but it has opened doors up for us as believers to truly understand our personal faith and adjust how it is reflected to the masses. Mr. Allen is a true warrior of our time because without him as many many others in the last 2,000 years we would not understand the importance of passion and necessity within Christian faith. Yet, Our idea of a building that somehow awkwardly resembles an ancient community that has long past, is not what those of the First Century Church meant to leave behind. They meant to leave behind a noble and fighting spirit that holds the image of Christ for those who find themselves searching. I think it is time for our generation to step up and raise the church from its ashes with a face that we should know so well; Jesus Christ.

2009-05-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

I like to post pictures on my blog because I feel like it gives a visual to those who hate to read in the first place, much less, read something on a computer screen and it also brings in those with a desire to see the unusual backed up with words. This unusual picture was taken when Rae and I went to see our good friend Tony in Houston, TX. This picture was taken in his grandparent's front yard. Tony was taking us there to not only meet his incredible grandparents, but also to see his grandfather's car collection (which actually happened to be a museum in their backyard, but that is another story). We drove around the corner of his grandparent's land and there it was...the statue of George Washington himself. At fifteen feet tall it stood larger than life. "Hmmm", I thought to myself, "I have never seen such a large yard ornament." You couldn't miss it!

I feel graduation is standing just as that statue was. I am rounding the corner of reflection week only to see a big fifteen foot statue of my future taunting me in my own yard. Boxes are everywhere, everything is off our hospital walls, roommates are studying and simutaneously pulling their hair out, people are crying, and others are trying on their graduation gowns. Me? I am just avoiding it all. I am packing as slow as Christmas, ignoring the gift of no finals, holding back tears, and shoving my graduation gown into my overnight bag. I must face this head on, but how do I do that when I feel like my head is as big as George Washington's and cut off at the neck (Sadly enough, because as a once strapping general he would have been rather handsome as a whole person anyway...). Which do I do first? Cry, pack then cry, pack, hang out, and then cry, or help my roommates stress cry, pack, and then cry some more as I try to put my gown on?

I think I am mostly terrified because there is nothing waiting for me on the other side of Saturday. I am really nervous that I will not be able to enjoy graduation because I will be so lonely afterwards without anything for me. Saturday is going to be a rather wonderful expereince. Not only am I graduating, but a large chunk of the families I have ever been a part of are all going to be present in one place for the first time in almost four years! Of course my family is huge, so unfortunately my two stepsisters will not be able to make it and my stepbrother is graduating from ACU on the same day as me and will be cheered on by my wonderful stepmother. Yet, my Dad and brother will be entering town on Friday, which is more than enough, but also my best friend, Heather, and her whole family will be there too. But it does not just stop there. Some close family friends of ours the Valentines will also be at our afternoon gathering. I cannot wait.

I do have a lot to celebrate on Saturday, but what about afterwards? Who ever talks and celebrates the after life of college? I guess we will find out what there is in the after party we call life. If any of you who read this blog and are in the after life currently, would you mind posting what it is you think those of us readers who are about to join you have to look forward to? We don't have many who are telling us what is out there. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Get Real and Don't Panic

2009-05-02T10:27:00.004-05:00

So I woke up this morning to continual storms here in the great Searcy, AR area. Normally this would be a soothing and blessed occassion except that this weather is interrupting the special occassion of one close friend of mine this evening. You see my friend, Annie Moore, is gettng married this evening outside. It is no longer outside though so don't panic for her it is all under control because it has been moved to campus. I couldn't think of any thought provoking realizations or questions that I have had over the last two days so I want to tell you about the best purchase my friend Rae and I found about this point in the semester this past fall.

Rae and I get a kick at finding novelty mugs for each other that no one else would have or understand or appreciate properly. Almost every holiday or depressing situation we purchase one of these fine mugs. Well, to know my best friend Rae at all you must understand that she does not put up with any bull hockey. This is the nice way of putting that she is a realist and only wants life to be in its fullness of good, bad, and the ugly because that is the true side of life if you will. To further explain her she often compares her life to her favorite character Charlie Brown. Niether one of us enjoys living in the shadows of something that means nothing and does not hold the potential for change. For example, the movies we watch often have an artsy quality about them, but normally contain some type of underdog or human interest plot, such as, Dan in Real Life or Doubt. This is only one example in which we try to express our love for the inner person and its connection with the outside world that is presented to us.

Last fall, we had our first fall break in the history of Harding. So Rae and I as usual are seizing the moment together, who else do we need? So while everyone else is going home, going skiing, or heading to a weekend in big cities, we do something completely different. We go to Little Rock! Isn't that creative?! We headed up to Little Rock to check out some places we had never been and some places we like to frequent no matter where we are. We were on our way to the Old Mill and saw a sign for a huge sale at Pier 1! We thought to ourselves...I bet they heard Harding was on fall break and wanted to take advantage of that...so we swung into the parking lot to appreciate the treasures of Pier 1 only through our eyes...or so we thought. We entered the store and immediately went to the kitchen section. We gandered at all the beautiful things we hope to own one day when we are no longer being strangled by the finances of Harding. As we are gauking at every trinket,we ran upon the mug section. We saw some that caught our eyes immediately and on sale nonetheless! It was that love and connection of our inner selves to the outside world that I had talked about earlier at first sight. They were these beutiful mugs that held both our life struggles and our life mottos on them. Rae's was GET REAL and mine was DON'T PANIC. Rae bought them for us on the spot with no debates like we normally have when we shop.

Now you may think this story is a flop, but to Rae and I this was the ultimate shopping find that we had ever made together. How often do you find your life motto on a mug that you will probably frequent as much as we do? I will never forget that moment of sensation when we felt complete with each other and with those mugs. Get out, bargain shop, and find your expression on a mug then get back to us. I love you Rae!! Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Four Years, 10 hours, and a Crazy Decision Ago...

2009-04-29T15:23:00.002-05:00

So I thought it would be fun to post a photo of my last blessed graduation day four years ago! These two strapping gentlemen are my brother and step-brother who are both older than me. One is out of school forever and becoming extremely gifted in everything and the other just can't seem to get out of school. I must say that each of them have rubbed off on me in various ways, thus leading me to a wild professional dreamer that faces future schooling to be practical and accomplish those wild dreams. Anyway, this photograph has always reminded me of a time similar to the one I am in now. I left this day wondering if I was doing the right thing by moving 10 hours away to a place with no Alabama traditions and comforts. Will God prosper with me in this place? Will he bless my decision? Will he provide my greatest need of community?

These questions were real and asked in a much different manner than they are now considering that the other side of this passage is life and the world that I have been taught about, but never really shown to its full. As I continue to wait on the Lord and beleive in the truths that 2Cor 1:20 holds, I think to myself the phrase that people are quite frequently dropping on me..."God will provide". Will he provide? Will he feed me and cloth me? I struggle with this quite frankly.

What if what God provides is not what we imagine to be comfortable or safe? What if he wants me in the middle of no where with no job and prospects of making it? Do people ask themselves that often when they make that statement or do they say it just because it is what fits in that awkward silence after I have meekly stated that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WILL DO! Maybe that was a cynical question, but really what if God does not provide in the way most people expect. If he supplies less than what I expect, does that make him any less powerful or full of blessing? I mean there are all kinds of people in this country and other countries who are suffering from the lack of simple neccessities. Will God provide to them too just as much as people believe he will provide for me. So maybe you have caught me in the middle of my struggle with cynicisim or maybe you caught me in the center of true questioning.

I was having this similar disucussion with my friend Monique this past Saturday over a plate of pancakes, which I found to influence a bout of truth from anyone. Anyway Monique reminded me of the verse that states that God will cloth the lilies of the valley and that his eye is on the sparrow and how much more will he look after me. I guess my idea of safety needs to be challenged and changed, but at the same time I must trust God's plan for me. I must trust a plan that is not based on anyone elses experience or theology for that matter. It is between his heart and mine that this true idea of providence will come to light in my life. I am still waiting on the Lord and what he has for me just as much as when I started this blog, but in some way God will provide the right plan for me that has not been experienced by anyone else...Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Pi Theta Phi

2009-04-27T22:14:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was such a great day! It was beautiful outside and I got the chance to go to a Knight's function. Knight's is a men's social club here on campus that has more personality than a group of comedians put together with some boistrous four year olds. They are great and keep laughter a part of life here on campus. Afterwards, I attended my social club, Pi Theta Phi's, senior banquet. I had thought about this banquet off and on all week, well, really all four years. Thinking each time, "How do you sum up four years of experience, tears, growing pains, scars, and individualized wisdom up into two minutes of unrequited delivery?" I didn't know until the microphone was handed to me yesterday afternoon.

I am not sure whether what I had to say will ever apply to anyone else like I came to acquire it. Life treats us all different and we all gather and interpret things differently which makes it hard to pass on the important stuff. Yet, the things that I had to say came out so smooth and confident! Out of me! Then again Holy Spirit does fit into the tiniest of crevices including my selfish thoughts and quickly acting vocals. I felt so moved by what God had to speak through me that I just knew I needed to go home and process my own delivery that night. So I did and this is me passing it one to those of my readers that are moving on to any new milestone in life. For God to deliver knowledge that was not made to pass on, can not be worth much. What Christ had to say is still being passed on and continually written within his people. I just suggest that you substitute your stepping stone into what has been mine over the last four years; Pi Theta Phi.

I must begin by saying that I did not for see my involvement in Pi Theta Phi. I always thought I wanted to be in another social club on campus and make a lot of friends that I would make good memories with. So if you get to hear more about my experience with this PTP at all you will quickly realize that it has been so much more than that and it holds many sacred things among its spirit.

"You can not plan your life. You want to plan your life, your professors want you to, your advisors want you to, and your parents want you to, but you can't. I never planned to be in Pi Theta Phi. I pledged as a sophomore because I orginally wanted to pledge Zeta Rho and decided last minute to be in PTP, yet did not get in. I am extremely grateful for that because I had no idea what it meant and who I really was. You will try to plan, but there is so much more out there than you truly imagine yourself doing."

"Secondly, you must know that PTP will mean something so different in the end, where we are sitting, than what it did the day that you pledged. It will change its purpose in your life and it will also ultimately change its prescence too. This morning at church we sang a song with the line that says Everlasting, when all else fades..these colors will fade, but people don't. These girls are some of my best friends and life partners that will walk beside me in this life. Understand that the purpose of clubs is to make you a better person that you cannot be by yourself."

"Third, invest in each other as deeply as you possibly can. Everyone in here deserves to be invested in especially by your club sisters. Everyone of you have something to offer and you deserve to be given the chance and benefit of the doubt to offer that."

These are a few of the things that I have learned over my last four years, but especially the last three years being in PTP. I am not sure what will be my next uplifting community, but I am searching hard to find where that is. A blessed and gentle friend of mine said one of the most affirming things anyone could of said to me yesterday. He told me that he truly hopes that I find a place where I can speak wisdom to people who are not of the expected audience. He said that I have a gift of speech and to use that in a place that will allow it to flourish and bless. I couldn't believe what affirming words I was hearing! I have been dreaming that dream for quite some time now, but have never chosen to embrace until this semester and now this! Thank you God for speaking to me when my ears and heart are so incompetent to handle such truths.

God will affirm you when the time comes. He will knock on your door of opportunity until you answer even if it means blocking the door way until you sigh and agree to only step foot on the other side with your hand in His helping you over that deep deep threshhold of uncertainty. Thank you God for what you see and what we will never. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

2009-04-22T10:46:00.002-05:00

This awesome picture is of one of my most unique and driven friends, Heather Mitchell. This picture was taken last spring as part of a promotional video for a class I was teaching on women's missions. Yesterday Heather and I had coffee at one of our favorite places, Midnight Oil. Heather and I could not be more of an example of polar opposites. She is an earthy, laid back, spontaneous, story-filled individual. Heather and I met our sophomore year when we both decided to pledge our social club Pi Theta Phi. We were both sophomores and stoked about having an outlet to lead and make memories. I could not to this day tell you what drew me to Heather and attached us to each other's hip in that week, but it is what we call history.

Heather and I went on to be devo directors together fall of this year and accountability partners among seven of the most driven girls I know. Even though we would both agree that God made us with a different mind set and a different purpose, we both know without words that he has allowed us to desire similar things in him. Coffee yesterday was such a gift. Then again when is coffee not ever a gift, but receiving that gift with a close friend is like reading a good book or watching a great commericial about the future of the earth. (Those are the commercials that make me feel warm inside). Heather and I discussed many many things that are going through our heart and minds simultaneously. We both appreciate the value of having theological discussions, but long for ways to express that value. Sometimes it becomes frustrating because it can cause a cloudiness that distracts our thirst for the simple action of loving a mysterious God. And then sometimes we come to an understanding that we never thought ourselves capable.

Tonight I attended a gathering called Lost & Found here in Searcy. Some dear friends of Heather and I's have been invisioning this coming for some time now and can rest easy that it has come to fruition leaving behind an aroma that is sweet yet somewhat unsettling for the spirit. This was a gathering that leaves you examining our God outside your worldview and without limits. I praise God for people like Michael and John who follow through with ideas that were created by God. He is the only one that can create from nothing for it is from nothing that we came and will never return. My God can never be described and though that throws me out of my comfort and hope in what I want from life, I am full of a new hope that guides me to the peace of not understanding and more seeking.

My wise stepsister once told me that you are not a better person for leaving the church. What she meant was that no matter how much we get frustrated with how church is being done or what it might be becoming then we must go to the roots and understand the purpose of the church and the purpose of having a faith. To experience God and to share it among the multitudes. We must visualize and experience God in the fullest of the earth to which he created and seek our experiences with him in the darkest parts of our reality. We must also focus on where he dwells within our paths. Too much focus on humanity as a whole gives us a scapegoat for how we conduct our relationship toward Christ. Too much focus on "I" can create even more of an individualistic society that we already experience. God is so full of grace for our human expression and attempts at not missing the point.

In the last chapter of Luke, his very own do not recognize him even though all the evidence they knew of him was present. They missed him and they missed the point, Him. Oh the grace God has for me as I walk and miss the point over and over again with words and with intimacy among his prescence. Thank you Heather for jump starting this journey of seeking and not understanding. It will be one to fight for and not give up. Here is usually where I give my little tag line that sums my next anticipation for growth, but tonight I just want to stand here for a little longer.

Being Lost

2009-04-19T22:32:00.004-05:00

First off, I just need to tell you all out there that staying home only has its gems when you have fun vivacious people to live with. As I write this entry, I am reflecting on my insightful weekend and watching my gorgeous roommates workout to a dance fitness DVD on a laptop set up on the kitchen bar and I am on the couch in front of the bar typing. So I am getting a good kick out of it not because they are funny looking, but because in some wierd world within my head I am a dance judge and they are trying really hard to win the prize by getting my attention away from writing this blog. HAHAHA!!!!

This weekend was the last and vital trip to Nashville before I become a perminant resident of its glorious interstates and non-existent exits. I say it this way because when I arrived on Thursday night at my best friend Regina's house, I thought to myself this is going to be good and do-able. So Friday morning I got up and went to a map to find directions to my destinations the old fashioned way. Who needs Garmin, James Bond, or whoever you choose to tell you where to go out of a little box when you can use the eyes God gave you to look at a piece of paper and an exit sign? I DO!!

Before Regina went to work, we looked over the map I was viewing and decided that all I needed to do was take the Broadway exit to get to Hillsboro Village, UT-Nashville's building, and then home. I can do that I thought. YOU CAN DO THIS! (as Rae would say) So I headed out about 12:00 that afternoon to be back at 2:30 when Regina got home from work. That didn't happen. First, there was no Broadway exit on the interstate. Instead I drove out of Nashville area toward Knoxville. Ok I can fix this because I have done this before. So I turn around to take a close exit to the one I needed to take originally. So I turn around and drive about 20 mins back into Nashville, only to find that the exit I saw and was now anxiously looking for only exists on the other side of the interstate. So I have to take the next exit and go the other direction for about 10 mins. So I do this and decide since I am taking all my directions backwards then I need to turn backwards too. Not so. I drove in opposite directions for 45 min a turn which totaled to three turns in the end! I was exasperated and on the verge of saying some not so nice things to my invisible person in the car.

I finally got to the school and went in. That only ended up being a ten minute visit because the school is literally just an office suite. After that I thought, I need a good break shopping in Hillsboro. So I headed in that direction, again, using the handy dandy old fashioned directions I got from the map. That just thrusted me into the wrong area and onto one way streets. Regina called me after being off work for about an hour and asked, "What are you doing?" "TRYING TO COME HOME!" I was done. I couldn't take being lost anymore. I was tired of driving in an unpredictable part of town. An unpredicatble part of town, where at one point you would think that it was safe and the next you were scrambling to get to the automatic lock on the door. I cried all the way back to Regina's.

Now this is not the first time I have ever been lost in Nashville, but this was supposed to be simple! It was fool proof because I had done it the old fashioned way. The tried and true way that father's in the 60's created memories and inspired movies that bring family togetherness, such as, National Lampoon's Vacation. My movie inspirational moments were more along the lines of The Hills Have Eyes. This got me thinking as I was crying on the way back to Regina's.

In between thinking, I can't do this, what am I thinking, I HATE Nashville, I thought why am I crying? Why is this breaking my heart so? It was because I realized that being lost is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. You have no landmarks, no past, and no idea where your future is. I immediately thought of a line from one of my favorite songs by Coldplay, Lost. "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost..." I began to think about this statement and the truth that it held for me in that moment. Just because I felt like I was losing a battle doesn't mean that I am actually lost. God knows where each of us reside within the walk of life. We may feel as though we are losing battles daily, but AMEN that we are not actually lost. We are full of forgiveness for where we have been, direction for where we are now, and potential for what the next exit holds.

God has never been lost. He has created each exit that we have unfortunately designed for ourselves to avoid, but that just leads us to somewhere else that may put us one step closer to where God wants us in the end. I do feel very lost right now in life. I have no idea where I have been this last year because I have only known how to live weekly not daily, and I have no idea what the purpose of half the things that I am dealing with now, nor do I know what is around the next exit in Nashville. This is what I do know...God is the map and I am the parent trying to make this ride worth while. With those two combinations surely this will be a benchmark in who I am about to become. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

2009-04-15T11:29:00.004-05:00

So I found that it is hard to write outside myself. There is so much happening around me that I have had the privilege to put my hand into that it is difficult to not speak from my vantage point. Since I am still working my current internship I get to drive one hour to the office and one hour back to my dorm everyday! During these drives I get a lot of dancing time, thinking opportunities, and crying moments. Over the last week or so I have become increasingly reflective during my hour to work and very quiet during my hour to the dorm.

I think about the past a lot on the way to work and then I think about change on the way home from work; everyday. The one past and change that seems to stare me in the eyes is the fact that I will no longer be living in Albany. Even now as I type this I shed tears over the experiences that make my heart leap and swell. I have remenised (?) a lot this week about the worst weeks in Albany like the time Greg and Matt went out of town and left me with an empty office, broken internet, and a best friend that liked to make up for the lack of teasing for the week (curve balls ha!). But also thinking about the best weeks like Honduras, Sharon's baptism, and just eating out with my girls and my bosses. Matt told me once that the next move I make in life needs to be one of intention and change.

You see when I was told that I was in the pit of despair. I needed something that would change my world because where it was had windows with no glass and a door locked from the inside. I needed out. So what did I do? I chose to move to Nashville. But isn't ironic that the thing we often fight is the very thing that we need? I hate change. I anticipate it, I look forward to it, but I have never been great at doing it. But I must do it for it is what I need.

Change never seems to come into anyone's life gracefully and leave without a mark or tattoo on your spirit from then onward. So if you say you don't have a tattoo...you do. I only have one external tattoo, but lots of internal tattoos in my life from the multitude of change that is constantly taking place for me. I am graduating in less then a month, moving two weeks after that, my supervisor is considering leave, my best friends are getting married, and I have yet to see the one change I want in the middle of all this. I picture it as a situation where everythig is moving in circles and the spirit of peace that I long for is in the middle of the chaos. Ironic, huh?

I also find it amazing that though we each hate change in its own way we experience it daily. God tells us that each day is a new day because of his grace and love for us. I make and have changes everyday because no day will repeat itself. Maybe I do change a little bit better than I thought, but on a more micro scale. New days are needed and a must do. Without them it would be like a bad groundhog day all the time! Change is hard and maybe it comes easier with age as I am told most things do. I just know that I want to change today and make it different from yesterday and tomorrow and gain a new tattoo of peace along the way. I am sorry if this entry seems to make no sense, but this is what my heart looks like in this moment maybe tomorrow it will be a little more organized. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Words aren't enough...

2009-04-11T09:44:00.005-05:00

So I am visiting some of my close friends Jess and Alex in Dallas, TX. And to Jess' detailed heart she lives in Dallas proper. Jess was the K-Life director in little old Searcy, AR when I began to work with K-Life. During that long year, I became very close with her and my fellow female leaders. Anyway, that is the relationship that brought me to this blessed place of Uncle Julio's and Medlin eggs Benedict.

When Sarah, Kalli, and I arrived late last night, Jess informed us that our first activity the next day was beginning at 7:15. *sigh* ok. I know that when we come see Jess that every activity that takes place while here in Dallas is intentional and totally worth it! So the next morning we got up at 7:00, climbed in the car, and headed to the DFW airport. We were headed to welcome in the soldiers for their R&R from Iraq. I couldn't wait.

I began to cry the moment we stepped into the airport doors. There were all types of people standing around holding the one thing that gave us a common heart; the flag. As we were waiting at the exit for the soldiers to unboard the plane, a woman sprinted past us with a baby that was less than a year old. She was stopped and asked if the father had seen the baby yet and with tear filled eyes she choked out a no. The organizer of this event ushered her with haste to the front of the line right next to the door that would be issuing this precious baby's father.

I cried then too. Then the soldiers began to flood in. I clapped and clapped and tried to choke out my appreciation to the men & women, but it just didn't seem enough. I mean think about it I am saying a phrase that is commonly reciprocated with a "you're welcome". Thank you; thank you for putting your life on the line so that I may go to school and graduate, so that I can eat at my favorite restaurants, and appreciate my favorite people whenever I want. And the common phrase to say back is you're welcome! You're welcome, I would do it again, you are free to ask me to put my life on the line. That just doesn't seem to make sense. Words were just not enough this morning. Except the words that were issued from the young soldier when he held his new daughter in his arms. As the man came through the doors, he immediately turned to the left and we knew even from the end of the precession that he was the one. He continued to walk through the clapping and cheering whispering to his daughter, I love you, over and over.

I love you is all that seems to cover things like what the soldiers do and what Jesus did. Now I am not much for making cheesy connections to Jesus' untouched actions for us, but this one hit me in the middle of DFW. All Christ wants from us is love because that is all we have got to give. Yes, we can give our lives and that is what we should do, but even our lives are not worth what Jesus' life was at the time of his sacrifice. Maybe my love to Christ is my life. Maybe my love comes with actions and proof. If that is true, then I must admit that my last year of life has been somewhat of a waste. I know that everything happens for a reason and that all things good and perfect will be used to his glory, but I think sometimes that God has to scrape the bottom of my pit to find those good things to work into glory. What a small donation to God am I, but I am so thankful that God's grace is great and his love greater. I love him and I daily try to live him. Well, I am just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Company of Angels

2009-04-10T08:10:00.002-05:00

So I realize my intention was to post daily on here, but this week that fell through. I have not been home a night one day this week which for this semester is unusual. Yet, this morning I do not have class and I am going to seize the morning and talk about my day yesterday.

I am currently interning for a social work agency here in Arkansas. I have my own case load that I have been seeing all semester. Normally I would be extremely against typing this story on the internet, but this just has to be shared. One of the patients I see is suffering from a terminal diagnosis that keeps her from communicating. She loves for me to sing to her when I visit. She normally will not acknowledge my prescence unless I do this. So I came in yesterday and sang to her. She then looked extremely haggard on her face. I looked at her in the eye and said, "I am here for you and you alone. That is it. That is why I am here." She heaved a big sigh and realeased it. She then began to try and go to sleep, but kept startling awake to see if I was there. I finally told her I would stay until she feel asleep and that is just what she did.

This may not sound like much to you, but this dear sweet person has not been able to communicate physically or verbally for a long time. She has come to the place where small actions mean everything to the person with her. And as I am sure you are wondering, I cried. I didn't blubber, but I cried. All I kept thinking was this is the closest I have yet to come to angels communicating through this woman by using the very same thing that created us in the beginning. A breath of air. God breathed into us, nothing, at the time and allowed us to walk around and change lives because of it. My perspective, my worldview, my heart...was changed by a deep breath that isn't even ours to claim.

This woman is ready to go. She has been hanging on for quite some time. I told her that it was ok to go if she wanted to. I am leaving my agency next week. I am sad to not see what will happen to my patient, but she is in good hands and in good prescence. Well, I just a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Uniqueness

2009-04-03T09:56:00.004-05:00

I have been so excited to write about this ever since I heard it yesterday. I must give full credit to the spark to Gracie. The last three summers of my life have been devoted to teenagers. I just love them, whereas, the rest of the world cringes at the word that describes one of the most tumultuous life transitions since the "terrible twos". I adore spending time with teenagers because I have often found that they hold the key to life in their heads and their hearts they just don't know it. It begins in the teenage years, that the key to life and living it starts to unfold through foundational experiences that eventually push them on to changing experiences that no longer just affect them, but those around them.

Anyway, I love Gracie. We met in Albany, GA where I have spent this devoted time in a youth internship. (Remember that because you will hear a lot about it) Gracie was in my youth group for one and half of those summer then she and her family moved to my hometown where I now get to see her much more often. We talk about every couple of weeks just to play catch up and micro manage life. Ok, now to the profound thought. We were discussing the concept of normal. I had made the simple observation that nothing that is normal in life has ever occurred as such. "What is normal anyway?" Nothing is normal. To say something is normal there must some comparative action happening. So what are we comparing life to? Everyone does life different and with each step we take it is new to everyone of us. No one has done this before in this way.

So we concluded that the way I do things are unique and my future will be nothing short of that. But the conversation did not stop there. Gracie, stated to me that then again nothing is unique either. If everything is unique, then we are experiencing something similar and normal with the rest of the human race, uniqueness. What a profound thought on life! I was so excited to get off the phone with her just so I could think about it some more. Uniqueness in and of itself is normal, but maybe it is the way we treat it and the way we allow that uniqueness to define us is what will truly set us apart from everyone else. But even as I type this I think there is a large part of me that wants to be normal in my uniqueness as a human being. God has designed me and humans for that matter to relate on some level. I guess what it boils down to is that everyone has something in common. Even the stranger you will never speak to. It just matters your willingness to find out. Well, I am a bamboo shoot growing a mile a minute; hope to catch you on the next mile!

Really!

2009-04-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

So am I really still awake at this hour? You bet ya! I am heading to Houston, TX tomorrow with one of my best friends to visit a friend. I have never met this friend and nor can I guarantee our meeting to be sparks, but nonetheless I am excited.

I am awake because I have been working on these blessed cards that announce my second coming out of school. Do I really need to spoof these things up so that people who see me everyday and have seen me at my worst can stare at my face in perfection for eternity until the picture rots in a drawer somewhere?

*sigh* that felt good....I am so tired. It has been a long day and a long week at that. This road trip is just what I need to be rejuvenated. Eight hours of bliss with my best friend and then three days with apparently one of the coolest kids in Houston. Are you jealous much?